"It Only Takes Once?" HA!

Moving

2008-01-24T13:16:00.000-05:00

3 years of blogging here. Too much frustration. So, I've made the switch. Update your bookmarks and links! You can now join me here:
http://kitkatxyz.wordpress.com/

UPDATE: Should you check-in here and see changes to the look or layout, it's just me playing with some of the new features offered here. Still liking the other place better, so likely a permanent switch. But, before I move the kid's blog, I want to be certain.

My Day

2008-01-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

5:30 Wake-up. Get dressed. Brush teeth. Make tea. Eat breakfast. Check email. Pack school bag.
6:00 Get the kiddo up and nurse him.
6:10 Get puked on.
6:15 Change kid's clothes. Change my clothes. Brush his teeth.
6:25 Bundle up. Head to van.
6:30 Leave for school.
7:05 Arrive at school. Put things away.
7:15 Start school/work day.
7:45 Breakfast. Clean up applesauce kiddo spit at me when refusing to eat.
8:30 Routine diaper changes.
9:00 Extra diaper change for kid with runny poop.
9:15 Sit kids down for snack. Turn just in time to see one lean over chair and puke all over floor.
9:17 Clean up child. Clean up floor.
10:20 Puking child goes home.
11:15 Lunch.
11:30 Pooping child goes home.
11:45 Give my kid sponge bath, change his diaper and clothes after his runny poop.
12:00 Naptime. (Whew!)
2:30 Wake-up. Routine diaper changes.
3:23 Turn to see my son standing in puddle of runny poop, back and legs of jeans soaked.
3:25 Clean up the kiddo.
3:40 Clean poop off floor, play mats and carpet.
4:15 Leave for home.
5:15 SHOWER (much desired after all that)
5:45 Start load of laundry with all the puked on, pooped on clothes.
7:00 Leave for handbells.
9:00 Return from handbells to find little guy sound asleep on hubby's lap.
9:05 Take kid. Change diaper. Give antibiotic. Nurse back to sleep.
9:15 Lay him down. Immediately get puked on.
9:20 Hand kiddo to hubby. Change my clothes. Change his clothes. Move to rocking chair while hubby changes sheets.
9:40 Kiddo back asleep, this time on my lap. Say prayers he is asleep for the night and no more puking or pooping.
10:45 Post this blog entry. So far, so good. Head for bed.

Somehow, I knew when getting puked on first thing in the morning, I would be in for a rough day. We'll be spending tomorrow at home, in hopes that he gets over the stomach bug that has obviously affected his class.

I. Can't. Do. This.

2008-01-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

Okay. "Can't" is probably too strong of a word. Because I CAN do this. And I know that. I remind myself regularly that lots of women work and raise a family. But, as I sat last night, nursing the kiddo to sleep and crying because of how I had lost my temper and yelled at him while getting him ready for bed, "I Can't DO This" is exactly what was going through my mind. And it wasn't even a real "yell." I just raised my voice and spoke sternly. And he cried. And it was for him doing normal, toddler things. (squirming around while I was trying to get him into his pajamas)

I felt AWFUL for it. I should not be losing my temper with him over something so petty. No way. And it's only because I am SO FREAKING TIRED. Exhausted, really. Beyond that. 2 weeks of work. Chasing, lifting, entertaining, changing, and cleaning up after toddlers all day long. The kiddo is in my class, which is nice to be with him during the day. But, we get home and he finally has mommy all to himself so he is incredibly clingy and needy from the time we walk in the door until he is asleep. And on weekends, he's the same way. I can barely leave the room without him screaming. Something they say will get better, but I've been back to work for over a month and no change. Saturday and Sunday he nurses all day long while he's awake and asleep. Of course, "sleep" is a relative term. I'm up 4-6 (or more) times a night, every night, with him still wanting to nurse. And then we get up and do it all over again the next day.

The hubby has been wonderful-- he helps out with dinner, bathtime, getting our things together for the next day, and pretty much anything I need-- I would be even more lost if not for him. I would suck as a single-mom... don't know how they do it. Amazing! But, in my emotional, tear-filled state last night, all I could think about was how much the job thing is NOT working.

The job was supposed to make things better for our family-- more money coming in to get caught up on our bills and hopefully, get ahead. (We're SO far behind right now, I'm struggling to see an end in sight.) Over 1/2 my paycheck goes to daycare and gas. And it is abosolutely not fair to my kid that his mommy has no energy or patience for him because she's too worn out from taking care of other people's kids all day. So, I'm struggling to see how this is "better."

I know night-weaning seems like the obvious answer. But, neither he nor I is ready for that. He is a horrible eater still. Improving since starting school, but still has a way to go. He has food sensitivities-- one being dairy-- so I can't just give him milk in a cup instead of the b*oob. He's already a peanut and starting to fall on the growth charts. He needs those calories. It isn't comfort nursing he's doing at night... he's tanking up. He still needs it. And it isn't fair of me to force him to give it up because we decided I should go back to work and now am running out of steam. Add to that, he's been sick from the first day we walked in the door. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if he weren't still nursing.

I don't know what the answer is. Or if there is an answer. I just know that what we're doing right now isn't working. For the kiddo or for me.

While you wait...

2008-01-16T15:02:00.000-05:00

Second full week at work. Second ear infection in the little guy. Actually, they think the first one just didn't fully clear up. So, second round of antibiotics. And second round of hourly night wakings. And crabby, cranky, fussy baby that won't let me have 2 seconds of peace.

So, while you wait for me to find some time to write a real post. Share with me. What's the worst gift you got for the holidays??? C'mon. You know there was something you didn't like. Now's your chance. If not this year, then pick from a previous gift. Vent about your dh/mil/bf's bad taste. You're safe here. Your family doesn't read my blog. Vent away.

Should I start? This year... it was a placemat/napkin set made by my MIL. Nice gift. Love the placemats she makes. But, she used fabric that was given to her by MY mom. That, of course, my mom had offered to me first and I had turned down because I thought it was rather ugly and totally not in my taste. *SIGH* But, hey. She tried. And they ARE better than the matching fleece vests she made for the hubby and I last year. Which, btw, have never been off the top shelf of the closet.

Okay. Your turn. Get it off your chest.

Happy New Year & Such

2008-01-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

Let's see. Today is the 7th. Almost the 8th. And I'd said one thing I wanted to do this year was post more regularly on this blog. Hmmm...... not looking good for me so far, is it?

I returned to work in December, part time, and this week is my first full time week. It's a crazy long story I don't have time to go into now. But, I am back in child care. And little man is currently in my classroom, so I still get to spend my days with him.

He was diagnosed with pneumonia just a few days before Christmas. Viral, thankfully, and by the time we figured out what was causing the fever, he was nearing the end of it and was better by the holiday. Last Friday, he spiked yet another fever and found he has an ear infection. It's only been a few weeks and I already hate the daycare germs!

With all the sickies, sleep has been horrible, at best. Some nights he is literally up every. single. hour. It never bothered me when I was home with him. I just slept in with him and napped when he napped. Now that I'm getting up at 5:45, getting us both ready and out the door, working all day chasing 5 toddlers around, and doing it all on choppy sleep. Ugh. I'm beat! And it's only Monday.

So, that's the quick rundown. Time is limited. With luck, he'll get back to better sleep soon and I'll get more than 5 minutes on here before my tired ass is crawling into bed, dreading the first waking. And hating the early morning alarm.

He Turned One...

2007-12-04T08:10:00.000-05:00

Yes. My little man is one year old now! So, hard to believe. And also the reason I've been away for yet another month. What, with getting things all together and organized for his party, which was quickly followed by Thanksgiving and the holiday season kick-off. It's been busy, busy!

The little man is all toddler. He's running and climbing and into everything. My mornings start with a grin and a "hi-eeeee" ("hi" is always said with a drawn-out E on the end of it) when he sees me. So cute! And always puts a smile on my face. We are also greeted with that sweet, sing-songy "hi-eeeeee" anytime he sees us after leaving the room, and when he comes up to you and greets you with it because he wants something from you.

Just the other night, he told us "no" (Doe!) when we were telling him to do something he didn't want to do. (sit down in his rocking chair) Until that point, "Doe!" had been reserved for shouting at the dog when she barks.

He's finally starting to eat some table food. Mostly crackers and toast. But, it's a start.

Still nursing several times a day and at night. Someday, I'll get to sleep again.

He's full of personality and smiles and always makes us laugh. He loves to push his cars around and make a "vroom" sound. His favorite game is "whoa, whoa, whoa"--- which is us holding his hands and rocking back and forth while singing "Row Your Boat." He likes playing chase with the dog. And pushing buttons on the tv. He chatters all day long, takes one nap in the afternoon, and chatters non-stop until bedtime.

I still have a hard time believing he is one year old, now. And a hard time believing I've been a mommy for that long. It's been an incredible year and not a day goes by that I don't count my biggest blessing... my little guy... and give thanks for all he has brought to our lives. My little miracle. And the light of my life.

Ummmm....

2007-10-30T08:14:00.000-04:00

Really? It's been a month since that last post? How did that happen? I swear I wrote that just a week ago!

Things are busy. Going and doing. Getting ready for Halloween. And cleaning and preparing for the kiddo's first birthday. I can't believe he turns one in just a couple of weeks! The year has gone too fast.

Thanks for the tips/reassurance on the food post. He's regularly eating 3 meals a day now. Still all purees. I make all his food, but finally caved and bought some Stage 3 jars. I'm hoping the extra texture in those will help him make the transition. I've tried leaving the food I make more textured when I puree it... but he's wanted nothing to do with it. So far, he's eating the jarred stuff without gagging... which is a good start. And yesterday, I gave him a piece of toast and he actually ate a couple bites of it. Slow progress.... but progress, none the less!

I often sit down at the computer with the intention of writing a post. Check my email. Check the groups. And by that time, the kid is hanging on my leg, and either a) shoving the keyboard tray back under the desk and away from my hands so I'll pay attention to him. or b) SCREAMING because he wants to play with the keyboard and I won't let him. Either way, it makes if nearly impossible to write. And, since he doesn't sleep worth a darn, I don't get much writing time then, either. The short time he sleeps in his bed and I do get free time, I'm usually trying to get caught up on a million and twelve things.

Stick with me. He's bound to get over this phase and learn to sleep and cooperate to give me a few minutes of time. Someday.......................

Food Troubles

2007-09-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

Well... this isn't the post I was alluding to in my prior one. But, this is a topic of more concern for me at the moment, so let me put it out there and get your advice.

My little man is 10 1/2 months old now. (hard to believe, isn't it?) At his 9 month dr. visit, the doc said we definitely needed to be up to 3 meals a day (we were doing 2 at the time) and that we should be moving to table food. Something I pretty much knew already. Problem is...........

He. Won't. Eat.

I do good to get the 2 bowls of food in him a day. I've tried working a third meal in at different times in his day, but no matter where I put it, he won't eat it. I've tried adding an earlier meal... somewhere between 8:30 & 9:30 when he first wakes up. But, he doesn't want to eat when he first wakes. He snuggles and nurses and plays a bit and then I can FINALLY get him to take food between 10 & 10:30. Which makes noon too soon for lunch.

He goes down for his nap around 1 most days... depending on when he wakes.

He eats dinner at 7, when the hubby & I sit down to eat. So... logic says, put the next meal somewhere in the middle of things.

I'e tried before nap. I've tried after nap. He just won't eat it. He much prefers to just nurse.

I know breastmilk is best for him, and all he really needs the first year. But by now, shouldn't he be eating more? I know at the daycare, our toddlers were fed a meal or snack (they alternated) every 2 hours because their little bodies need the calories since they're so busy. And he's much closer to toddler than baby these days, so I worry.

Add to that, the texture thing. I make all his food. And it is all pureed smooth. We try giving him bits of things: cheerios, cooked veggies, etc. He picks them up..... and tosses them right to the floor. Stuff doesn't even get close to his mouth. He won't even try. And we've even offered french fries when we're out, hoping that might do it... but, no. Right to the floor it goes. He does NOT like texture.

Last night, I started feeding him dinner. Carrots. And apple chicken. Both things he's had before and liked. Chicken wasn't quite as smooth as usual. He had 1 bite, gagged, started signing "all done" and refused to eat another bit of anything. Typical for him. And sometimes the "no-eat-after-gagging-on-texture" refusal lasts a couple of days before he'll finally eat again.

But. Nothing small goes to his mouth. If he's playing and fights a scrap of paper or something, he reaches out his hand to give it to me. I've never had to do a finger sweep to get something out of his mouth that he shouldn't have. He just doesn't chew stuff like that. He has a couple of toys (and the foam table guards!) that he'll mouth, and that's it.

So... what to do? The educator inside, reminds me that all kids are different and he'll eat bigger amounts and more texture when he's ready. But, the mommy worries.

Ours will be the kid whose first birthday photos are not of him covered in cake... but of him nice and neat, eating a bowl of oatmeal.

Anyone Out There?

2007-09-24T12:07:00.000-04:00

Is anyone even still out there, checking up on my slacker blog posting? Have a post brewing. Need your advice/opinions/stories. Just wondering if you've all given up on me and if there is anyone left to get advice from.

Stay tuned...

He Has 6 Teeth...

2007-08-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

... and Yes! He's STILL NURSING!!! [shock!] [gasp!] [horror!]

NO! I don't have a problem with it. Obviously. But... 2 weeks camping with my mother-in-law, being home for 2 weeks getting unpacked and settled back into a routine... and I swear if I hear that comment from her one more time, I just might have to scream!

For 4+ weeks now... since the kiddo got all his top teeth in at once... my mil makes comment about me still nursing him, at every chance she gets. Standing around at a shop and someone talking to the kiddo says something to the effect of "Look at all those teeth you have." MIL pipes in with "Yes. And she's still nursing!" As if it is any of their concern or business what I am doing with my b*oobs.

Mind you... I'm not at all private about that. I am very much a public nurser. Church. Restaurants. Mall. Walking through the store. Zoo. You name it. I am not at all concerned with "whipping it out" and feeding my kid. And we don't use a cover up or blanket... so it's all out there for viewing. I tried several times with a cover. But he just grabs it and pulls it off because he doesn't like his face covered... so I gave up. Public nursing it is.

But, when we're nursing in public, that's MY call. I get to say how it goes and who gets to know about it. (You'd be surprised at how discreet we can be nursing in the carrier. Most people have no clue what's going on.) It is NOT for her to say who gets to hear about what I do with my b*reasts.

And it's not like she is proud of the fact that I'm still nursing him. Her tone does NOT come across that way at all. More like I'm some weirdo. She usually follows the announcement with a story about how she nursed both her boys til they were around 6 months and then when they started getting teeth decided she'd "had enough of that" and weaned them. Like her way is the way it should be. (2 weeks camping. Got a lot of that. "I did it this way with my boys and they turned out just fine").

Good for her. But, that doesn't work for us. We are going strong, with no intention of stopping anytime soon.

And I don't fully understand WHY it is such a big deal to her. Sister-in-law nursed the nephew until he was a year old. Granted, she weaned him practically the day he turned one. But... he had teeth and nursed til then and nothing was ever said about it. So, I'm not sure why it's a big deal for me to be doing it. I can only imagine the comments that will come when I don't wean him at one and tell her I plan on going until he's at least 2.

********************

Saw a very close friend a few days ago. Hadn't seen her in a while, so she hadn't seen the kiddo with all his teeth. Asked me if I was still nursing. Yes. Asked "but doesn't that hurt?" So... I gave her this analogy: "You have a mouth full of teeth. Does it hurt when you give a guy a bl*ow job?" We both laughed. But, then she understood... having never nursed a baby. Teeth don't matter.

Maybe if MIL continues... I'll use that analogy with her.

Busy-ness

2007-07-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

Summer has been busy. The kiddo gets more and more annoyed spending time back here, so I get less and less computer time. He much prefers being in the living room where he can crawl and pull up and cruise and play with his toys and get into everything he isn't supposed to.

He's growing like crazy. 8 months old now. Cut 3 teeth last week. Already had 2. Desperately wants to walk... but can't seem to figure out in order to do so, he needs to stop trying to jump all the time. (still loves his jumperoo)

Bought a new minivan. 07 Honda Odyssey. Love love love my mommy-mobile!

Leave for our annual camping trip on Saturday. Have been busy getting ready for that, and will be even busier this week with everything.

So, that's where I've disappeared to. And why I'll continue to be gone for a while.

Oh... and, I'm eagerly awaiting...

She'd be 2

2007-06-09T08:21:00.000-04:00

Well... 2 1/2 really, since she was due in January. Erin would be 2 1/2.

It was 3 years ago today, that we stared at the ultrasound screen and no longer saw a beating little heart. We cried, scheduled the D&C, and our lives were forever changed.

I feel bad that I didn't remember. It is only because one of the bulletin board groups I post with mentioned it....... and then I had to go look up the actual date. As it is, I still feel bad that in my "mom of newborn" sleep deprived haze, I didn't remember her due date back in January. This date took a nudging, but it is remembered.... both with a sense of sadness.... and a sense of accomplishment.

Not to say that Erin is forgotten. Sure, the dates may not be marked on my calendar as reminders of when the actual events took place. But, she is not forgotten. I still think of her often. Wonder what it would be like to have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, instead of an almost 7 month old little boy. How different our lives would be. Yes, there's that whole "if you'd had her you wouldn't have him" thing. Which is true. And I love my son more than anything and am so very, very blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

But that doesn't mean I love her less. She was our first child. People on earth may not realize or acknowledge that. But, Heaven knows. And I know she is up there, looking down on us and watching over her little brother.... even now as he sleeps. He is lucky to have such a special guardian angel.

And it doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish things had worked differently with her. That I hadn't had to endure the D&C and the depression that followed. The surgery and procedures. The drugs and shots. The trying and failing. Over. and over. and over.

Then I look at him. With his smile that lights up the room. And his laugh that melts my heart. And I know. I know that losing Erin had to happen. It brought the hubby and I closer as a couple and made us stronger. It has helped me to savor each and every moment of life with the kiddo. It gave us the baby we were meant to raise.

Is it sad..... or even wrong..... to say that losing Erin had to happen? Maybe. But I don't think so. I think it was something beyond our control. It was God's plan. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I think of her and miss her often. Yes, it seemed so horribly unfair at the time. But... three years later.... as I look at her ultrasound, still sitting on the shelf in our living room... and then look down at the baby boy sleeping in my arms.... I realize things are exactly as they should be.

Another... Part 2

2007-06-08T08:07:00.000-04:00

It seems our decision to only have 1 child has bothered some people. Some have been brave and left their concerns in the comment section. Others have only mentioned it to me in person or through email.

Thank you. I appreciate all of it. I really do. And I guess I should have made it more clear that our decision is not "set in stone." As with all things... we are free to change our minds at some point in the future. But that is the decision that is best, and "right" for us at this time.

And really... let's look at the most common arguments I'm given as to WHY we should reconsider our decision. I hear 2 the most often...

"I've never met an 'only' who didn't wish they had a sibling."
Maybe. Probably. But when you asked them... did you ask an only child who wanted a playmate, or an adult? And if you asked an adult... what were their reasons? Because it would have been nice to have a friend growing up? Because they always thought it would be neat to have a brother or sister? Or are they lonely into adulthood? Is their wish to have a sibling a carryover from the past... or is it current and strong in the present and looking to the future? Is there something they feel is missing in their adult lives that could only be filled by a sibling? For that matter.... how do they know a sibling would fill it... having never had one to know what the experience is like? Not to mention....... I know plenty of adults who have very "strained" relationships with their siblings... some to the point of wishing they were an 'only'....... so it can go both ways.

and the other I hear the most...

"What about when you're gone? Do you want him to be alone?"
Of course I don't. But, I would like to think that as parents... we'll raise him so he wouldn't have to be. To be a warm, friendly adult with friends and family of his own. Maybe he'll get married. Maybe he won't. That choice will be up to him. But, not having a sibling does not banish him to a lifetime of loneliness. He already has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. And a church family. And friends. Why does the loss of his parents mean he would suddenly be alone? I don't think that it does.

Believe me. I've thought about these things hundreds of times. And all the "what ifs" you can muster. Want to know the truth? Part of me is afraid to have another. There. I said it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of having a girl. (don't want one... at all!) I'm afraid of going through another miscarriage. I'm afraid of what it would do to us financially. I'm afraid of how a second child would take time from the first.

Fear aside. There is no one, right answer. You just have to weigh the good, the bad and the ugly and come up with the choice that fits best. Right now... for us... that is to have one child.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T18:14:00.001-04:00

My what a differece a few years can make..................

Three years ago, on Mother's Day, I got my first positive pregnancy test. Our honeymoon baby, Erin. We were thrilled and shared the wonderful news with our families at lunch later that day. A few weeks later, the heartbeat we had previously seen beating was gone and I had a D&C. And then spiraled into the darkness and depression and despair that followed.

Two years ago, on Mother's Day, I was angry and bitter. Sad over what I should have had. Hurt because I didn't have it. Frustrated that in all of our trying, I still wasn't even pregnant again. Longing so desperately to have a child of my own.

One year ago, on Mother's Day, I was happy and pregnant. I had just entered the second trimester and the morning sickness was coming to an end. I was finally starting to relax about being pregnant and to believe I really might be a mommy after all was said and done. But still felt sadness at what I had lost, and knowing I had so many friends also feeling especially sad on that day.

This year, on Mother's Day, I sit and hold my beautiful little boy. 6 months old, yesterday. As a celebration of how our lives and my Mother's Days have come full circle, my little man was baptised this morning. I could think of no better day to celebrate all that he is and will hopefully one day become. No better day to say "I finally made it!" And no better way to turn what has been a sad, hurtful day, into one that will now be celebrated with beautiful memories.

Many of my IF blogging friends found mommyhood this past year. A glorious gift I know none of us would ever think of giving up... even through the sleepless nights and tantrums. Hug your little ones tightly and always remember what a special blessing they are.

But, I know just as many out there sit feeling hopeless and lost on this day. Sad to have had the possibility of a baby taken away from them with a miscarriage or stillbirth or child death. For some of you, the world may not know that you were ever a mommy, but remember that you are, and cherish the times you did have.

And, I know many are still trying. Hoping. Longing. Wanting. Day after day. Cycle after cycle. The want to have a child of your own runs deep. Each failed cycle brings with it the feeling of loss. The celebration of motherhood stings and brings sadness, wondering if your wish will ever be fulfilled. Hang onto that desire.

Mother's Day is many different things to many different people. It seems it all depends on your perspective on the day. And where you are in your journey. Each place along the infertility road finds a mother of one kind or another. A woman who is strong and loving and determined.

Whether you hold your child in your arms, in your heart, or in your dreams, may you find peace and love on this day. A day for Mommy's of all kinds.

Three Years

2007-04-24T07:52:00.000-04:00

To My Hubby...

Can you believe it was three years ago today? My how time has flown. Let's see. What was year number three like for us?

It started near the end of the first trimester of pregnancy.
Morning sickness
Fatigue
Morning sickness
Hearing baby's heartbeat for the first time
Learning we would be having a boy
Weight gain
Mood swings
Camping at 6+ months pg
Stretch marks
Modified bed rest
Labor
Emergency c-section
23 weeks of being parents...

By far, the best year we've had to date. You were by my side through the worst time in my life. And this year, we celebrated the best time in our lives. You brought me water, even when the sound of my puking was making you sick yourself. You change poopy diapers, even though the smell makes you gag. You've fixed countless dinners and adjusted pillows to the point there was barely enough space in bed for you. And when the kiddo left his bassinet, you never even blinked at me leaving our bed to share the futon with him. I know in this last year I haven't always been so good at expressing it... but do know that I love you so very, very much.

On that day 3 years ago, I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I did on that special day. But now, when I see you with our son, like the times when you're explaining the "ways of the world" to him as only a daddy can do, I wonder how my chest can possibly hold my heart it has grown so big. This journey has been a wild one, and I would never have come this far if it weren't for you. There's no one I'd rather be traveling this road with. I only hope, like this third year, the rest of it stays smooth.

I Love You!!!

Crunchiness

2007-04-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

Yes. Another not-forgotten post from my list. And, since today is Earth Day... it seemed like the perfect time to finally find a few minutes to write it.

I would assume most of you have heard to the term "crunchy" when referring to lifestyle. It's used regularly on the internet bulletin boards I frequent so surely I'm not the only one aware of it. For those who don't know, "crunchy" refers to what some would stereotype as the tree hugging, granola eating hippie crowd. Granted, none of the crunchy people I know are actually like that, but you get the idea. As it turns out, as a parent I'm fairly crunchy. Not a true, all crunch granola. More of a trailmix--- some granola crunch, but still some soft and chewy dried fruits mixed in. And I'm finding more and more ways to be crunchier. And I feel good about it.

We practice "attachment" or "natural" parenting. I breastfeed. We both babywear. We cosleep. We never leave the kiddo to cry. All parts of being AP. What I didn't realize though, is that doing this would lead to more ways to be crunchy and leave me ever looking for more we can do.

Maybe it just comes with being a parent. Why wouldn't I want to do what I can to protect the earth? The environment? The very place my child has to grow up in and one day live in on his own. He deserves a clean, healthy environment. As do his children. And their children.

In the past several months, I've learned that being crunchy really doesn't take any more time or effort. Interestingly enough, many of the things we're currently doing or have a plan to implement not only are helping to save the environment, but they're also saving us money. So, in honor of Earth Day, here are some of the things we're already doing. And a few, simple things we plan to start doing. If you aren't already, consider working one or two of these things into your life. Every little bit helps!

~ We cloth diaper and use cloth wipes. Something that will save about a ton of landfill waste by the time the kiddo potty learns. And will save us an estimated $1200 over that time as well. (and because I can't resist, a picture of our environmentally friendly diaper stash:)

~ I breastfeed. No formula cans going into the trash. (ok. so that's not something anyone can do, or may choose to do. And certainly not a decision to make simply based on the environmental aspect. But, let's face it. Helping the environment is another benefit of it)

~ We got rid of all chemical cleaning products. I clean with vinegar and baking soda. The two toughest things to clean in our house are the textured surface of the bathtub and the ceramic top on the stove. Since I made the switch, these two items sparkle like they never have before! The kiddo can be in the room with me while I clean and I don't have to worry about the fumes he's breathing in. And, since he's becoming more and more mobile, I don't have to worry about him getting into and ingesting a potentially deadly household cleaner. It's much easier on my asthma, too.

~ We only run the dishwasher when it is full. And only run it overnight.

~ The hubby rides his bicycle to work about 8 months of the year. The other 4 months he rides the bus (cold and snow).

~ Turn of lights when not in the room. I still struggle with this one sometimes, but I'm getting better!

~ We get paper sacks at the grocery store checkout and then donate them to the soup kitchen at our church.

And some things we're working on implementing:
~ Switch to energy efficient light bulbs, as ours burn out and we have to buy more.
~ Skip the plastic bag at the checkout. Take our own cloth bags to use. The plastic ones we do have, we save and donate to the daycare I worked at so they are at least getting reused.
~ Recycle. I think we can pay to have it picked up with our regular trash. If not, since I'm home now, I just can't find an excuse to continue to not do it.
~ Use more cloth around the house, for cleaning, etc., rather than always reaching for the paper towels.
~ Do full loads of laundry in cold water. Well, except for the diapers. Those will always be washed on hot.
~ Did you see the "Go Green" episode of Oprah this week? According to that, if we all use just one less napkin a day, we can keep a billion pounds of waste out of the landfills each year.

Use one less napkin and change a light bulb. See. It really isn't that hard. Join me. How "crunchy" are you? Do feel free to share your ideas.

Happy Easter!!!

2007-04-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

Another?

2007-04-05T08:27:00.000-04:00

I'm betting you all think I forgot about my list... don't you? I still find it funny, that of the few who commented on that post, Another? is the one you most wanted to hear. Personally, I thought it was the most boring title and obvious of topics. Yet... it also seems to be the hardest for me to blog about. But... it's time.

Yes, "Another" is in reference to another baby. Even when I was pregnant, I was getting asked the question "When are you going to have another?" I laughed at it then. However... now the answer is "We aren't."

When I was growing up, I always wanted 4 kids. There were three in my family. My two brothers and me. I was always "odd man out" when we'd go places or do things. "The boys" were best buds, always had a playmate, closer in age. It was the natural pairing. And of course, my parents were a couple. Which just left me. So, when I said I wanted more than two kids, 4 seemed like the natural option because I refused to have 3 and always have one feel left out, like I did.

But... then my 20's came and went without even discussing marriage... let alone kids. 4 started to seem like too many. I wouldn't be starting until later in life. And, I started realizing just how expensive a kid can be. So, then the number became 2. Yes, 2 kids would be just perfect.

And then my 30's came. I didn't get married until I was 31 (turned 32 a few months later). We wanted kids and started trying right away. And then came miscarriage. And infertility. And surgery. And drugs. And then we got lucky.

I'll be 35 this year. The son will turn 1 a few months later. The hubby and I have discussed it many, many times and each time we come to the same conclusion: Andrew will likely be an only child. I just don't know that I can go through it all again. I just did the "high-risk" pregnancy thing. Another pregnancy will put me in the high risk category again... simply because of my age. I don't know that I have the energy for that.

If we were to have another, I would want them spaced out. My doctor already told me that because of my history and then having a c-section, I shouldn't even CONSIDER getting pregnant until the kiddo is a year old. Honestly, at his point, I can't imagine being pregnant again so soon. Nor, would I want to be. I want time to spend with this child. To be able to devote my time and attention to him in these early years that are so important. I wouldn't want another until this one is closer to school-age. Then, I'd be able to have time and attention to devote to a new baby as well. The hubby feels the same way. I know, I know........... LOTS of people have kids only a couple years apart. Perfectly fine for them (and you, if that should be the case).... but it isn't for US.

So, that puts me closer to 40 before having another baby? Again, I know lots of people do it. But, it isn't for me. I don't WANT to be having another baby at 40. (and, by the way, when did 40 suddenly get to be so close?) Not to mention.... that whole miscarriage and infertility thing. Who KNOWS how long it would even take us to get pg again? So what does that mean? Start trying early, in case it takes a while, and then end up with the kids closer together than we'd like?

And a miscarriage. UGH. I can't do that again. The last one nearly destroyed me... sending me into a darkness and depression like I have never known. Having a baby now, I am even more aware of what I would be missing out on if I miscarried again. I don't think I have it in me emotionally to go through that again. Nor, to explain to Andrew that no he isn't getting a baby brother or sister and why is mommy so sad. Yikes.

Not to mention, the financial aspects. We are barely getting by for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have it any other way and the sacrifices are worth it. But it is very hard. And if we had another, I would want to be home with him/her also. Barely getting by + another mouth to feed = doesn't make much sense. It wouldn't be practical or wise. Could we make it work if we had to? Sure. I'm sure we could. But, why would we? I'm of the mindset that if you're going to have a baby, you should be able to care for and provide for that child. We could do it. But it would be even tighter. I don't want my kids to have to do without, or to miss out on things that we can't afford, simply because I feel the need to have a bigger family. Seems rather selfish to me.

So, at this point, it is an only child for us. Which brings me to the reason this post is suddenly more appropriate.

Knowing our decision to have only one child, as he has been outgrowing things, they've gotten packed up to either sell or give away. I've kept a few things as mementos, but most of it is being moved on. All but one of his small sized diapers has been sold off to buy the next size up. His clothes are boxed up, waiting for me to find them a new, loving home. And yesterday, we sold his infant carrier and bassinet. And, as I was getting them together for the couple to pick up last night, I started crying.

I couldn't seem to help it. Getting rid of the baby things made me sad. Sad that my baby is growing so fast. No longer a newborn needing newborn things. Still a baby, yes. But not a tiny, little newborn anymore.

And sad that it made our decision to not have another baby seem all that much more real and permanent. I like the idea of a second child. Of my little man having a sibling to grow up with. It's always been my dream. But, not having another child is the right choice for us. And the one that makes sense. It is the logical, practical, smart choice for our family. It just doesn't take care of the emotional side. And it is the emotional side, which hasn't quite caught up with the practical side, that would still like another.

Checking in...

2007-03-26T20:37:00.000-04:00

My friends, I haven't forgotten you. I had every intention of blogging this evening... but seem to have some tummy bug. The babe hasn't been sleeping well for over a week now, so I'm already exhausted... and tonight my stomach is a mess and I feel like crap. Is there a reason they'll go weeks at a time, sleeping wonderfully, and then suddenly STOP sleeping well? I thought teething... but Tylenol before bed hasn't helped. Hungry... so I tried offering more during the day. Growth spurt.... but the messed up sleep from those usually only lasts a couple days. Gas... but he's always had some issues with this and gets gas drops before bed every night. I'm really at a loss, and it's really starting to get to me.

Anyways... since I just don't have time for a full post, I thought I'd share my latest scrapbook page. I've discovered digital scrapbooking, and while my pages aren't near as spectacular as some I've seen, I'm really enjoying it when I have a free minute or two. Have a look... and I promise to get back to you soon.

St. Pat's

2007-03-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

One Year Ago

2007-03-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

The E.T. picture was just too cute not to share. But... This is the post that should have gone up on Friday.

One Year Ago, I woke up to this:

Now, every morning, I wake up to this:

How is it possible that in a year's time I've gone from just learning I was pregnant to having a sweet, smiley, almost 4 month old? Somehow, in those first few minutes of seeing the positive test and realizing I was, indeed, pregnant, I knew this.... THIS... would be the pregnancy that made it. And that we would have a healthy baby boy at the end of it. From day one, I knew all would be well and baby would be a boy. I always referred to baby as "him".... never "her" or "it." Because, I knew. There were still moments of worry and concern, but also an overal sense of peace and calm that meant baby was okay and we would one day be holding him.

And here we are. Where I now spend most of my day holding him. And loving him. And still staring at him in awe and amazement that he is here. And he is ours. And he is perfect.

Being a mommy is nothing like I imagined. And so much more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed of. It is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. And, for as hard as it ever is, it is even more rewarding. Certainly, people told me of how hard it would be. How tired I would feel. How exhausted I would become. But I had no idea to what extent that would all be true. There have been days that I look back and wonder how I ever made it through. I'm still shocked that my body really can function on such little sleep. There have been times when I've sat, holding my crying little boy, wanting nothing more than to calm him and get him to sleep, and crying myself that I can't seem to accomplish either. It has been mentally and physically exhausting.... though those sleepless nights are, for the most part, now behind us.

But then there are the times when he is nursing and falls asleep at my breast. Laying there so sweet and innocent and angelic looking. Or when he hears my voice and sees my face, his lights up with the biggest, toothless grin. Or when he naps on my chest, all snuggled up and warm. Or when you talk to him and he coos and laughs right back. Or listening to him when he first wakes up in the morning.... talking and cooing and laughing at nothing..... just the thought that he is a baby and he is happy and he is loved.... that, in his little world, mommy and daddy are here and that makes his world perfect.

One year ago, I had no idea what we were soon to be facing. And now, I can't imagine ever going back. Pregnancy was rough. The first few weeks with a newborn were even rougher. But, through it all, I feel I am so incredibly lucky.... and so very, very blessed. I only have to look at his beautiful, little face to be reminded of that.... and then, even the roughest of times, feel like the miracle they are.

E.T. Phone Home

2007-03-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

Those are only Build-a-Bear animals with him..... and only about HALF of the collection.

100 Days...

2007-02-20T11:22:00.001-05:00

... of watching you grow.
... of getting to know you.
... of seeing you move on the outside, instead of feeling you on the inside.
... of meals at Mom's Cafe. Open 24/7.
... of experiencing so many "firsts." First smile. First laugh. First time rolling over. And on and on.
... of enjoying your smile.
... of changing diapers. (nearly 1,000 at this point, give or take)
... of having fun at playtime.
... of sharing our families and pasttimes with you.
... of comforting your tears.
... of the greatest joy we have ever known.
... of never-ending happiness.
... of loving you.

From this:

To this:

... in 100 Days.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2007-02-14T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, his diaper says "Chick Magnet." The joys of cloth dipes! They're way too cute!!!

Blogiversary

2007-02-09T01:03:00.001-05:00

I find it hard to believe, but it was two years ago today that I started this little place in the blogosphere that I call my own. Even harder to believe is everything the last two years has brought me. Comparatively, my journey through infertility was short. Not quite two full years before a bfp in a successful pregnancy. And, in two more months, when we hit 3 years, our son will have just turned 5 months old.

Yet, the infertility still haunts. Still lingers. Still creeps into my mind each and every day. It is true when they say you never "get over it." You may have a baby, through birth or adoption, yet "infertile" is still an adjective very much in your vocabulary.

Two years of blogging. Two years of ups and downs and highs and lows. And you've all been there with me... supporting me through it all. So, on this blogiversary, I say Thank You. I could never have made it this far without you.

(Ironic that Blogger chose this log-in... today... to make me switch to their new format, too.)

Way to Go, COLTS!

2007-02-04T23:58:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl Champs!!!

I Didn't Forget

2007-01-29T19:34:00.000-05:00

I promise I haven't forgotten you, my friends. All those posts and several more are swirling around in my head, just begging to be written. But, the kiddo has been fighting a cold for two weeks now, which has left me very little free time. Been to the doctor twice for it, and it is "just a cold" but it has him fussy and clingy and I do good if I can put him down for more than 5 minutes at a time.

He seems to be doing better today. No runny nose. But, now he's either going through a growth spurt, or making up for not eating as well while he's been feeling ill. Today, we've been on an every two hour plan for eating, with little time in between, and not being happy if we aren't being held. He's finally down for a nap, which is why I have a couple minutes to check in.

More to come soon. I promise.

Future Posts

2007-01-13T16:33:00.000-05:00

With any luck, I'll manage to get posts done for all of these topics. But, blogging opportunities are rare lately. So, until then, here are the titles currently on my list:

Another?
Who? What? When? Where? Why?
Crunchiness

Any preferences for what you want to hear first?

Another Year...

2007-01-01T20:58:00.000-05:00

Really? It is 2007 already? I swear 2006 was the fastest year on record. For one that started like any other, I can honestly say it ended up being one of the best ever for me. My heart still aches for all of my IF friends out there in blogland. However, I gratefully celebrate the joy of my son.

And "grateful" is truly the right word. After the IF struggles, I can't help but feel I look at my child differently than someone who may not have had to work so hard and endure so much to get there. But... enough of that. Let's review the year, shall we? (Since I started reading everyone else's blogs while I had a few minutes and realized it is a new year and the "review" is the thing to do this week)

Here's a little something from a "highlight" post each month. Clicking the title will take you to the post. For anything else, links are in the archives section to your right.

January: For Erin
My dear, sweet Erin,

You were due one year ago today. Which means, we should be celebrating your first birthday about now. Instead, we celebrate the very short time we had with you, with our arms empty...

February: in-fûr tl
I absolutely don't mean to be bitchy here. But after so many, many times of telling someone about my fertility problems only to hear of their "stint" with infertility, I just can't take it anymore. Let's not call this bitching, but rather, educating.

March: This One Should Bring Out the Lurkers
I woke this morning around 3:15, thanks to my bladder. As typical, I laid there trying to decide if I really needed to get up and pee, or if I could wait a couple more hours until my alarm went off. After about 10 minutes of arguing with myself in my head, I finally decided to get up and go, figuring I'd sleep better after that if I did. This is what I then discovered:

April: The Sweetest Sound...
We heard the baby's heartbeat today. Amazing. And such a feeling of joy. And relief. Doctor had some troubles finding it since the placenta is on the front part of my uterus and doing a great job of hiding the baby right now. But, after a couple minutes of trying... there it was. Loud and clear and oh so beautiful.

May: It's A...
Baby!

Things went great at today's appointment. My cervix is actually closed up tighter than they expect it to be at this point. YAY! The doctor believes that all will be good and we won't have any problems with it.

June: Halfway
20 weeks down... 20 to go. I think it's finally starting to sink in that we really could end up with a baby out of this. But the scars of miscarriage and infertility remain. And there is still fear that something could go wrong.

July: Vacation
In just a very short while, we will be heading out for our last big trip before BabyR arrives. After this year, camping in Copper Harbor will never be the same. Yes... camping. At six months pregnant. And yes, camping for us means living in a tent. I can't begin to count the number of people who have told me I'll be hot and miserable.

August: Edgy and Hormones and Tired... Oh, My!
I've read/heard countless times about the changes the third trimeseter brings. Mainly how uncomfortable it is and how emotional one tends to get. But... ummm... where were the warnings that these things come on about 30 seconds after you enter said trimester and progressively get worse???

September: Shock
There's a crib in my house. A real, honest-to-goodness, baby crib. In MY house. Look. Here's a picture to prove it:

October: The Nursery
I know I said these would be up yesterday. But, last night we decided to go buy a new digital camera before baby arrives. Ours was dropped earlier this year and just hasn't worked the same since then. So... we found one we liked that was in our price range and made the purchase.

November: He's Here
Andrew Eric Jay. 7lbs. 19 1/2 inches. 12:18pm via emergency csection. Will post details when home in few days.

December: Andrew's Arrival-- Some Final Thoughts
First of all, thanks for being patient with me while I got those four long posts out. As much as I know you all wanted to hear the story, the great length and detail in it was purely for my benefit. I want to remember as much as I possibly can about that day and blogging was a good way to document it.

If you actually read all of that, I'm impressed. Your "reward" for making it through the entire post:
My many best wishes for a fabulous 2007! I hope it brings you whatever you truly seek... and that love and happiness are a big part of it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2006-12-23T10:02:00.000-05:00

Season’s Greetings!

We hope this finds you all doing well. It’s hard to believe the year is already nearing its end.

Our 2006 was all about a baby. We learned on March 2, we were expecting, and from there on out… for obvious reasons… baby things seemed to take over our lives. Morning sickness, ultrasounds, and doctor visits were a big part of the first half of the year. Baby continued to grow and thrive. Kat’s belly just grew.

The end of May, we learned we would be having a baby boy. Eric and Kat were both thrilled with the news. Kat had said from day one it was a boy, so was glad to be right… and Eric was glad to be carrying on the family tradition of baby boys. We already had a name for him, but much to other’s dismay, we chose to keep the name to ourselves until baby was born. It drove both of our moms a bit crazy, but we certainly had fun with it.

Before we knew it, we were over half-way through the pregnancy and preparing for our annual Copper Harbor vacation. The weather in the U.P. was unusually warm this year! Unlike past years where we’ve done lots of sight-seeing, visiting old, familiar places, we spent much of our time hanging around camp and relaxing. Every afternoon, Eric and Pepper would go for a long walk and Kat would nap. Family and many friends were there… and while we would often go our separate ways during the day… you could count on meeting up with everyone in town in the evening for ice cream. The trip was a much welcomed break and an ideal vacation.

We returned home to baby showers and preparations. At her family shower, all 3 of Kat’s great aunts arrived from around the country along with her aunt from Utah and cousins from various states. It was a very big and wonderful surprise to have everyone together to celebrate our little one. The biggest task in preparations was to complete baby’s nursery. A friend of Kat’s came over and painted a mural of animals on the walls. Eric stripped and stained his old dresser for us to have in baby’s room and did a fabulous job with it. He also painted and hung shelves for the many bears in our Build-a-Bear collection. It is a much talked about and well loved room because it looks so incredible!

Music seasons started back up in the fall. Kat continues to ring handbells at church… but decided to take at least the fall season off from playing with the Scottish Rite Orchestra… something she started doing last year and enjoyed. Their first concert was scheduled a week before Baby’s due date… so she didn’t think it was something she could easily commit to.

On November 12, we welcomed our son, Andrew Eric Jay, into the world. His in-utero acrobatics had him wrapped up over 3 times in his umbilical cord, which meant an emergency c-section delivery… but Andrew and Kat both have done well and recovered nicely. Pictures and stories and updates on Andrew’s development are shared on our blog for family and friends to follow: (SORRY. Blog address deleted. You know my rules about Baby's Blog. EMAIL me if you want to see it.) Feel free to give it a visit and leave a comment or two!

Eric took some time off to be with Kat and baby, returning to work on November 27. Kat is now a stay-at-home mom, having left her job at KinderCare in mid-October. Pepper has adjusted nicely to having a baby around, and is quite the protector. Andrew is a beautiful, happy baby. He eats every 2-3 hours and naps in between, with a good 4-5 hour stretch at night. Every day brings something new and wonderful and we are very grateful for the blessings in our lives.

We couldn’t be any happier or have asked for a better year. Many wishes and prayers that 2007 brings all of you much peace and love and blessings.

Kat, Eric and Andrew

Andrew's Arrival-- Some Final Thoughts

2006-12-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

First of all, thanks for being patient with me while I got those four long posts out. As much as I know you all wanted to hear the story, the great length and detail in it was purely for my benefit. I want to remember as much as I possibly can about that day and blogging was a good way to document it.

Honestly, it's been one month and I still can't believe he's really here and he's really mine. In those wee hours of the morning when we're up for a feeding, and I'm sleep deprived and hormonally emotional, I look at him with such awe and amazement it completely melts my heart. It has been such a huge adjustment, yet I can not imagine life without him in it. Everything just seems so perfect. He's perfect. And I am completely in love with him. Yet, everyday... it seems my love for him grows. How is that possible?

My life is forever changed. There's the obvious external things. Like, before Andrew was here, when I'd go to bed at night, the fan had to be on for noise and the room always had to be completely dark. I even put a small stuffed animal over the alarm clock because the glow from the numbers would bother me. Now... the fan is on, but turned down to low... and there is a nightlight right next to my side of the bed so I can see Andrew as he sleeps. And the sleep deprivation is so much, that I don't even notice those things. He goes down, and the minute my head hits the pillow, I'm out too.

It has been an amazing month. Yes, a month. I can't believe he is already a month old. I swear we just brought him home yesterday. But, our month has been full of adjustments. Getting to know Andrew. His likes and dislikes and needs. And him getting to know us. Sometimes I feel bad because the hubby will be holding him and he'll be fussy and nothing will work... and then I'll take him and he'll calm down. I remind hubby not to take it personally... I have the magic, milk-making boobies and Andrew knows that. But... I do still feel bad for hubby in those moments. Andrew knows him and loves him, it is quite obvious... just not so much at those times.

He's growing and changing each and every day. And I keep loving him more and more. There are literally, times when I feel my love for him so strong and so deep it brings me to tears. I cried the first time I held him in the recovery room... when I finally had a calm few minutes to just look at his face and take in everything that had just happened. And to realize that this tiny, little being was, in fact, my son. MY son. A living, breathing part of me. And an equal part of the most amazing man I know. How incredibly blessed are we?

One month has passed already. And I look forward to each and every day and month we have to come.

SMILE!!!

2006-12-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

Andrew's Arrival-- Part 4

2006-11-29T08:50:00.000-05:00

Now that things are settling back down from the busy holiday weekend, let's see if I can finish this up while the little guy is napping.

Things are stabalized. I'm stuck on my back at some funky angle. It's going on 11AM. My doctor (well, the one on call with the practice that day-- not my "official" listed doc) makes it to the hospital and checks me. Still about a 9. She orders the epidural be turned down so I can start getting some sensation back for being able to push... expecting we'll be to that point within an hour.

I try to relax and rest a bit... especially after the scare with his heartrate. My mom asks some questions about what they had done regarding the scalp probe on the baby, etc. I am impressed that the hubby can answer them all--- he really DID pay attention in childbirth prep class--- and the nurse is there to fill in any missing details. She also hands hubby a set of scrubs and explains that if we go through all of that again, he is to start putting them on and be ready for a c-section because if it comes to that things will move very fast and she wants him to be ready. Once everyone is calmed back down and settled, the nurse leaves for a while, saying she'll be back to check on me in a little bit.

Mom, the hubby and I sit there and talk... trying to take everything in. It's clear we're all still worried about things, but do our best to lighten the mood. Hubby comes over and sits at my side to hold my hand. We're chatting with the very faint sound of baby's heartbeat in the background. (The nurse had turned the volume down so it was just enough to be heard, but not enough to drive you insane with the constant thump, thump, thumping). Something about the heartrate caught my attention so I looked up at the monitor and saw his heartrate had dropped again. I said something about it to the hubby, who immediately hit the nurse's call button. No need for that. She was already on her way into the room, having seen the drop on the monitor herself. (all the monitors feed to the nurse's station at our hospital so they can all be monitored from there)

No sooner than my nurse had made it into the room and my doctor followed... and then what seemed like a million other people. I know the resident was one of them, and another nurse or two, but it all gets a little hazy after that. They all start working and doing their things. My doctor checked me, and I was at a 10, but baby's heartrate was most critical at that point. The doctor was pushing/scratching on his head, trying to get it to come back up. She couldn't feel any part of the umbilical cord, so it wasn't a prolapse, but she was pretty certain he was somehow laying on it causing the heartrate drop. They jostled my positions and pushed on my tummy trying to stimulate him... but his heartrate remained low so they said that was it. Off to the OR. It was right around noon.

The anesthesiologist met us in the hallway and started explaining to me what would happen. They got me in the room and moved onto the table. They hooked the monitor back up, and baby's heartrate had come back up, so he was doing okay... but given the situation, my doc said no chances and they prepped for a c-section.

I had the epidural in, so the anesthesiologist started pumping me full of medication. The drape was up, so I couldn't see what they were doing to my abdomen. From the feel of things, lots of cleaning and scrubbing and then poking with something sharp and pointed until I told them I was numb and couldn't feel the pokes anymore. Next thing I knew, the hubby was sitting next to me, rubbing my arm. I couldn't really turn to see him, since I was so numb and shaking like mad, but he was there. I think the seriousness of the whole situation finally hit me when I could hear him crying. Then the doctor started the first cut and the anesthes. called the time... 12:15.

The anesthes. was great. He talked to me the whole time, explaining what exactly I would be feeling.... pressure, pulling, stretching... and then he said "here comes that elephant on your chest I warned you about" which actually meant they had pulled baby out and set him on my chest while they cleared his lungs. Baby boy. 12:18. It only took 3 minutes from cut to birth. He started fussing and crying almost immediately, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The doc held him up over the screen for just a few seconds so we could see him, then he was taken over to be examined. NICU was present to make sure he was okay, since they didn't know about oxygen levels with his heartrate dropping. Apgars of 8 and 9 and seemed perfectly healthy.

As the doctor pulled him out, we heard her say "Well there's the problem" which she later explained. The "problem" was that in all of his uterine acrobatics, Andrew had wrapped his umbilical cord around his body 3 times, in various locations. A vaginal delivery would never have been possible... at least not without extreme risk to him and/or me.

While they cleaned Andrew up, the doctors took care of putting me back together. Baby peed all over the floor. And it took about 5 minutes for him to find his fingers and start sucking on them. They did his footprints, including one in his baby book for us. Measured and weighed and all that routine stuff. Bundled him up and handed him to the hubby, who brought him over for me to see our beautiful, little boy. Hubby and baby sat right by my head for the rest of the surgery. They finished up, moved me to a "real" bed, handed me Andrew and had me in recovery around 1PM.

By the time he was an hour old, we were at our first attempt at nursing. He only went for a few minutes, but he took right to it and has been great at it ever since. The monster amounts of drugs played with my blood pressure and had them concerned for a while. At one point it was around 70/40... though I don't remember the exact numbers. So... they pumped me full of fluids in an effort to bring it back up... and monitored it very closely for the next several hours.

I was in the recovery room about an hour. They cleaned me up and gave Andrew his bath. My mom and my in-laws got to come back and see me and meet Andrew. And then they moved me upstairs to a post-partum room, where we spent the next few days getting to know each other and recovering. Baby and hubby stayed with me the entire time. Friends and family came to visit. And on Wednesday... we came home... with a healthy baby in our arms. Family of 3.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure I don't even need to say it. We're all quite clear on what I am most thankful for this year. So, instead, let me just wish you all a happy turkey day!!!

Andrew's Arrival-- Part 3

2006-11-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

Let's see. So... I just got the epidural and am feeling much, MUCH better. Hubby came back in and started making phone calls to let people know I had been admitted and this was it. After he got through the list, I had him call my mom back and remind her to call my dad. Turns out, she was up and dressed and getting ready to head to the hospital. I guess she decided the birth of her grandson was more important than singing in choir at church that morning!

Mom showed up and her, the hubby and I sat around for a few pretty uneventful hours. I'd feel just a bit of pressure with the contractions, but was not having any pain or discomfort. I tried to nap a bit, but was much too excited. And, in all of this, I couldn't get rid of the "shakes." From early on while laboring at home, I'd get the shakes in my legs. Uncontrollable shaking. For a while at the hospital, it was my whole body that would shake. After the epi, the shaking calmed back down and was just the occassional deal. Until I started getting further along and the contractions getting stronger. Then it was back to my whole body shaking again. Really made it hard to nap through. But, like I said, I was too excited to sleep anyways.

After a couple of hours, the nurse checked me and I had made it to 8cm. I was still progressing, so still no breaking my water. Somewhere around 10:15 AM, my nurse checked me again. She said my water was so far down into the canal she could barely do the check for fear she might break it. But, she was guessing me to be at about a 9. We talked, and since I was so close at that point and it was right there, I agreed to let them break my water at this point. We figured it would be just the thing needed to get him to drop that extra bit and get me dilated the rest of the way. So... the nurse went to call my doctor and to tell the resident and have her come do the procedure.

The resident came in, went to do an internal check, and broke my water while doing it since it was right there. She agreed with the nurse that I was about a 9 and it shouldn't be more than an hour or so and I'd be pushing this baby out. That was at 10:37AM. (the nurse actually gave us the exact times later on). At 10:40AM, nurse was suddenly shifting my position around in the bed and pushing the call button for extra help. Andrew's heartrate had crashed and wasn't coming back up.

I was immediately surrounded by a half-dozen people that I'm pretty sure just materialized through the walls. They cathetered me, put a scalp monitor on the baby, put me on oxygen and continued to poke and jostle and shift. The resident breifly explained what was going on and said they needed to be ready to do a c-section if his heartrate didn't come back up. Thankfully, it did... though they had me sign the consent form, just in case.

They had found a position that baby was happy in and basically told me I couldn't move from there. It was not at all comfortable, but after all of that, I wasn't moving an inch! All I cared about was keeping his heartrate steady and keeping him okay. I was scared to death in all of that, yet managed to stay very calm. I think I was too worried to freak out, for fear it would make things harder on Andrew. It also helped that while everything was happening at such a lightening speed, the doctors and nurses remained very calm. There was definitely a sense of urgency in the room. But never a sense of panic... which made it easier on all of us.

Story Interruption

2006-11-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

We're sorry. But the birth story you were expecting to read has been momentarily interrupted. In its place, is a shameless pic of one really cute baby. (Andrew's hospital pics arrived in the mail today!) We will resume our normal story telling, as soon as possible.

Andrew's Arrival-- Part 2

2006-11-19T20:13:00.000-05:00

So where were we??? Ah, yes. The doctor told me to labor at home for a while and I pretty much told her she was crazy. She agreed we could go to the hospital and said she would call them to let them know we were on our way. That was just a little after 3AM.

Got off the phone and got ready to go. My bag had been packed for weeks, so the hubby just had to put it in the car. And it was the middle of the night, so we both had to get dressed. That part took the longest. Going to the bathroom and then trying to put on clothes while contracting every three minutes with contractions that were lasting two minutes really, truly sucks. We finally left the house at 3:30... though it took almost another 10 minutes to pull out of the driveway by the time I was able to get enough of a break in the contractions I could actually climb up into the truck.

On the way there, I told hubby I didn't care what my birth plan said, I wanted an epidural. For that to make sense, you have to understand that I was TERRIFIED at the thought of an epidural. To me, that was the scariest thing about facing childbirth and I was adamant I did NOT want to have one. It wasn't about being all "natural" or drug free... just about not putting a needle in my spine. And, in my birth plan, it stated that the thought of an epidural scared the bejeezus out of me and I didn't want one. And if I did ask for one, it meant the pain was unbelievably intense for me.

Fortunately, the hospital isn't far... and at that early hour there was very little traffic, so we were sitting in the hospital getting checked in by 4AM. Clearly, the registrar deals with this often... she was very good about not trying to talk to me during contractions and being very patient while I breathed through them until I could continue. I had already preregistered, so there were just a couple of things to sign. And, since one of them was for the baby, the hubby was able to sign it so I could keep breathing. Then they put me in a wheelchair and took me upstairs to triage.

The nurse came in asked me a gazillion questions and put me on the monitors. Like everyone else we dealt with at the hospital, she was very patient and never tried to rush things while I was going through contractions. She asked if I wanted and epidural, and I told her I had said "No way" my entire pregnancy but was now seriously reconsidering. The monitor showed I was definitely having contractions (DUH!), baby was still doing just fine and upon checking I was already dilated to 5cm. HA! And the doctor said I probably wasn't doing much! The nurse left to call the doctor and let her know what was going on.

I again told hubby I was getting the epi. And, just as I had coached him a thousand times to do, he asked me at least a dozen times if I was CERTAIN that's what I wanted and reminded me of how much I had said I didn't want one. Yep. Give me the epi. I already hadn't slept in 24 hours. I was dealing with some blinding pain. And I was getting absolutely no rest time between contrax because they were lasting so long. I wanted to be able to relax a little bit and to fully enjoy my son's entrance into the world, rather than be totally exhausted and in so much pain. Of course, hubby agreed it was my choice... he just wanted me to be sure of it and not something I would regret later. So... and epi for me.

The nurse came back in , with wheelchair, and said the doctor agreed it was time to admit me so we could have a baby. She said the dr approved my getting the epi at this point and also wanted my water broken once it was in. And, then she helped me get in the chair and off we went to our labor & delivery room.

Got to the room, went to the bathroom and then the nurse called anesthesiology. She tried to start an IV on me... something I've never had a problem with... but after the thing blew in two different spots, she gave up and said she'd have the anesthesiologist do it when he came in to do my epi. She had the second try in and offered me some Nubain to "take the edge off," which I agreed to, but the IV blew as she was putting it in... so I don't know that I got much of it. If so, it didn't seem to work worth a darn.

Hubby went down to get a few things from the truck while the anest. came in to do the epi. Thankfully, he understood my fear and was very good about explaining every little thing to me. And the nurse stood right in front of me and held my hand and talked me through the contractions while he was working. Between contrax, she was good about just trying some chit-chat so I wouldn't be focused on what the anest. was doing. I have to admit, he was very good and other than the initial stick for numbing, I never felt a thing. It was over in just a few minutes and a couple of contractions later, I was feeling relief. Thank goodness!........

Andrew's Arrival-- Part 1

2006-11-18T17:10:00.000-05:00

I know many are waiting to hear the birth story. Am going to try getting it posted over the next couple of days and posts. Mainly, because I'm sure it will be lengthy, and am just as sure the little guy won't give me a solid block of time enough to do it all at once. At least not with the way he's been eating the last couple of days. I swear I don't know where he puts it all! But anyways!

I woke up around 3:30 Saturday (11/11) morning to go to the bathroom. While up, I got hit with a contraction like I'd never felt before. It hurt and definitely required some focused breathing, but was over in a minute, so I didn't think much of it. I continued to have contractions like that the rest of the morning... though without any regularity to them. At most, they were about 20 minutes apart. Just long enough that they kept me from getting any more sleep because just as I'd finaly doze off, the next one would come along and wake me up again.

We got up around 7 or so and went about our usual day. Showered. Figured out what errands we needed to run. Ate some breakfast. I continued to have the off and on contraction, some fairly painful, some nothing more than the braxton-hicks I'd grown so used to, and still nothing ever closer than 10 minutes apart... but generally closer to 20-30 minutes.

We went to the mall to visit my friend at Build-a-Bear and walk around a bit. If this was indeed pre-labor, I figured the walking might help. Chatted with J for a while and purchased the latest animal for our collection. The walking made the contractions stronger... to the point I had to stop and wait for them to pass sometimes... but, once I stopped walking, the contractions stopped too. At this point, I was still convinced they were more of the BH and they were just getting stronger, as they had been doing all week.

From there, we went to Target to pick up a couple of things and then went home. The lack of sleep and contracting had me feeling overall yucky, so I ate some soup for lunch and took a short nap. Was hard to sleep, so my nap only lasted about 30 minutes. The day wore on and turned to evening and the contractions got stronger and started coming more often. We decided to try timing them. Still nothing closer than 10 minutes. By 9:30, they had stretched back out to almost 30 minutes. Clearly, I was still dealing with the obnoxious pre-labor stuff and the "real thing" was not going to happen until my induction scheduled in two more days.

We went to bed around 11 or so, and I laid in bed and watched TV for a bit while the hubby snoozed. I couldn't get comfortable, no matter what I tried, and was feeling very restless. Finally, I fell asleep around midnight. The sleep was very short-lived. At 12:45 I was jerked from my sleep by a very strong, intense, painful contraction. I couldn't even move it hurt so bad! Once it passed, I got up and went to the bathroom, where I experienced another contraction like that. Went out, got a blanket and sat on the birthing ball as yet another contraction started. That made 3 in 15 minutes. Poor hubby. When the 4th contraction started, he was awakened by my punching his leg and shouting "Get UP!" in a none-t0-pleasant voice.

He got up and started timing the contrax, and would rub my lower back through each one to help me get through the pain. I stayed on the birthing ball, because standing made them sooo much worse. My doctor's orders were to call once the contractions were 5 minutes apart and had been going on for at least 2 hours... which meant we had a while ahead of us. Mine had started at the 5 minute mark and stayed there. Occassionally, they'd stretch to 7 or get as close as 3, but 5 was pretty much the norm.

Unfortunately, instead of the nice "feel it ease up, get stronger and stronger, peak and go away, lasting for about a minute" contractions they described in our childbirth class and in everything else I had ever read.......... my contractions started strong, stayed strong, and lasted 1 1/2 to 2 muinutes each time. We were going on 3AM, I'd been contracting for 2 straight hours like that, and was already exhausted having been awake for close to 24 hours at this point. Time to call the doctor.

The on-call doc returned our call very quickly. She asked what I was dilated to at my last appt, which was Friday (11/10) and at that point I was only at 1cm. Described everything to her and she said she felt like it was still early enough that the contrax were probably not doing much yet to change my cervix, and suggested I continue to labor at home. I told her they were feeling really intense and I was having a hard time getting through them, so she said I could go to the hospital if I wanted, but be prepared to be sent home if I wasn't dilated enough yet.

So little did she know............

Home at Last

2006-11-15T22:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all your Congrats and well wishes!! We are home and all doing well. Andrew's birthday certainly had it's moments of scariness, but we are thankfully home with a beautiful, healthy little boy. Many details to share, but it's late and he's ready to eat again. (Such the champion nurser already!!) However, I had to show off my little man:

In the OR, just a few minutes old:

Mommy's first time holding Andrew:

Two days old:

Getting ready to go home:

Our new family:

He's Here

2006-11-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

Andrew Eric Jay. 7lbs. 19 1/2 inches. 12:18pm via emergency csection. Will post details when home in few days.

Can You Keep A Secret????

2006-11-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

I wrote this post months ago... when we were in the process of painting baby's room. I've hesitated to post it, for reasons you'll soon see... but, while dealing with contractions at 6AM this morning, decided it would be okay to post now. The world will know within a few days anyways:

I'm too excited to keep it a secret any longer. So... I'm going to show you the one element in Baby's room that NO ONE in our families has seen. Nor will they see it until after Baby is here. I'm trusting ALL of you to keep this secret. I suppose it helps to know that none of you know any of our family members. And, for the most part, you don't even really know me... in person anyways. To the best of my knowledge, I have only one family member who even knows about this blog... and I fully trust her to not tell. So... here it is:

Yes. That's his first name. The cool part, is that coincidentally his name has 6 letters in it... and the quilt has 6 animals in it... so we painted one letter to match each animal:

His name will go on the wall, between the giraffe and zebra, above his crib. Call me crazy... but I think the whole deal with the letters and animals matching up is so neat... I've been excited about it ever since we picked the name and the nursery theme and I realized they would match up. It's been driving me a bit nuts that I can't show them off to people. Like I said... I'm a little crazy.

PS-- No promises this post will remain up. Even with knowing no one will ruin our surprise, I'm still a little nervous about putting it out there... so I may just take it back down in a few days. We'll see.

40 w 4 d

2006-11-10T19:39:00.000-05:00

Yes. Still here. Still pregnant. Another NST and visit with the doctor today. Baby is still doing just fine and is VERY "reactive." They like to see at least 2 accelerations/decels in the heartrate within 30 minutes while on the machine. He had 4 or 5 in twenty minutes. Pretty standard for him, as he HATES it when they strap all the monitors on my belly. Really gets him agitated. But, at least we know he's healthy.

Blood pressure was fine. And... after 8 straight hours of contractions yesterday... I'm a whole 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. Yep. 8 hours worth. They started around 1:30AM after I got up to use the bathroom. 15-20 minutes apart. By 6ish, they were about 10 minutes apart. And around 7:30, they moved to 5 minutes and were feeling more intense. I was beginning to think we might actually be getting somewhere. But... by 9:30 they had completely stopped and I finally was able to get a little more sleep.

Can't say they were completely non-productive, since I did have a little cervical change. But they certainly didn't do a whole hell of a lot. The effacing part is the best news though, since it should make for Monday's induction to go a little smoother. At this point, we're looking at a baby sometime Tuesday.

Although.... there are still one or two things that will have him come before then... just because he's been that ornery. The doctor I like the least is on call all weekend... so I can see him coming for her to have to deliver... just because. OR... I can see us heading off to the hospital sometime Monday morning in labor... just because the induction is scheduled that evening. My friend's 3-year-old, when asked this evening, said he'll be born on Monday... while giving her a look and a tone like she was completely stupid for even asking because it should be common knowledge. He also said the baby doesn't cry a lot and has a little bit of dark hair. Am very anxious to see if his predictions prove correct.

40 w 1 d

2006-11-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

Had dr. visit yesterday. Blood pressure is back to a nice, healthy 118/64. Spent 30 minutes on the monitor and baby is doing fine. Cervix is still long and closed. UGH!

Appears he's not coming out without the doctor making him. Will see. Having contractions more and more often.... just not often enough for them to count for anything. It seems I have a stretch between 7 and 10 every evening that the contrax start happening 7-10 minutes apart and last a few hours... and then nothing.

I took a list of questions about induction with me yesterday and the nurse sat and went through every single one with me until I was satisfied. Not like I had anything better to do while I was hooked up to the machine.... and she was quite happy and patient to do it. I'd still prefer he come on his own, but I do feel a little better about the induction option, should it come to that.

One way or another... we should have a baby by Tuesday.

Still Here...

2006-11-05T18:19:00.000-05:00

Sorry. Not off having a baby yet. Just feeling constantly tired and an overall feeling of general yuckiness today, so haven't been online much since Friday. Figure I should get the rest now, while I can. Will need it for labor... and certainly be missing it once he's here.

Went to the mall yesterday morning and walked. Lots of contractions at the time. Stopped as soon as we got in the car and I sat down.

Mom came over last night and cooked dinner for us. Tacos. YUM! And... just in case there was any question... we debunked the "spicy food for labor" myth. Baby was very active after I ate it... and I had contractions at 7 minutes apart for about 2 hours... but, they stopped, I chewed a couple of TUMS, went to bed and slept great all night long.

Contractions at 10 minutes all through church this morning. Then nothing.

Seriously... enough of the practice. Let's get this show on the road! Maybe tonight's full moon will do it...

39 w 4 d

2006-11-03T18:10:00.000-05:00

Let's see.... at 10 weeks I went to a perinatologist and was labeled "high risk" for preterm labor. We monitored my cervix every two weeks for months... until we got to the point that baby had a decent survival rate if he had come early.

Now... at 39 w 4 d... just 3 days before my due date... we have an induction on the schedule should he decide to come late. I could only laugh.

I'm convinced, even moreso after this doctor visit, that things will go one of two ways with my cervix. It's either never going to dilate or change on its own, leaving me with a c-section... or it's going to go really, really fast. I'd prefer the fast option... as I really, REALLY don't want a c/s.

Dr visit today showed no change in my cervix. She seems to think I'll still go sometime this week and we won't need the induction... but wanted to get it on the books, just in case. And, we scheduled 2 NSTs for next week to keep a close eye on things and make sure baby is still doing okay on the inside..... a place he evidently likes a lot. Induction is scheduled for evening of the 13th... which means a likely birthday of the 14th.

Don't really want the induction option, either. Will take any prayers and labor vibes you care to send this way that this little boy decides to pick a date of his own... not wait for the doctor to evict him.

STILL Haven't Had That Baby!

2006-11-02T15:14:00.000-05:00

Amazing, isn't it? Here I am, 4 days before my due date and I STILL haven't had my baby. And my doctor is okay with that. What a SHOCK!

Okay... without so much sarcasm now. Still hanging around and waiting for the little one to decide what his birthday will be. We made it past Halloween, so I'm fine with any day he should pick now. I just sooo didn't want a Halloween baby. I kept insisting that was the only day I would cross my legs for. But, it didn't come to that, so no worries.

I do find there to be some sort of irony in the fact that early in this pg, I was labeled at "high risk" for pre-term labor. All that extra monitoring. And now, I sit here at full term. Still very pregnant. And beginning to fear he's going to be just ornery enough to come after his due date.

I have been having a lot more contractions the last two days. They hurt way more than they used to. But there is still no rhyme or reason to them, which means they aren't yet "real" labor. The last two mornings they've woke me around 4AM and continued off and on for a few hours. Plus, I've been feeling rather icky in general. So... I'm hoping that means we're getting close. The hubby and I are both very anxious to meet this little guy. Go to the doctor tomorrow, and with any luck, there will be some progress.

Hoping to be posting a birth story soon...

Questions

2006-10-31T09:19:00.000-05:00

Is it just that I'm tired and hormonal and ready to be done with pregnancy? It has to be that. Surely these wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't already cranky and miserable, right? Or does every pg women hate hearing these same questions over and over and over... and wish you could give the answer that's REALLY on your mind, instead of the "smile and be polite about it" one?

1. When are you due again?
November 6.
The simplest answer for this one really is to just spout off the date. But come ON. How many times do we have to tell you? And how many times do you really need to ask?

2. You STILL haven't had that baby?
Yes I have. I just loved the look so much I stuck a basketball under my shirt.
It's a pretty obvious answer. Why point it out?

3. So how are you feeling?
I'm swollen all over, my back hurts, my boobs leak and I haven't slept well in weeks. Getting comfortable is impossible. I'm carrying around an extra 25 pounds and have a person inside of me who can't sit still for 5 minutes. How do you think I feel?
I actually had a conversation with our minister about this one very early on it my pregnancy. Once people found out I was pg, they stopped with the standard "Hi. How are you?" that prompts the polite "Fine, thanks. You?" No. I don't think I've heard "How are you?" since getting pg. Each and everytime now it is "How are you feeling?" And trust me. You don't REALLY want to know.

4. What did the doctor say? Any news on when?
That I'm pregnant.
This one always comes from people who know you have recently had an appointment. But I just don't know what they are expecting the doctor to say. I'm pregnant. I know they're hoping to hear that I could be going into labor soon and how big the doc thinks the baby will be. But... it's a DOCTOR. Not a fortune teller. I've known women to go in at 38 weeks and show absolutely no signs of progress and have their baby that night. And just as many women to be dilated to a 3 at 36 weeks and not deliver until 42. I just don't put much stock into any of the numbers and all I really want to hear at the doctor is that baby and I are still doing fine.

5. Any contractions yet?
Only Every. Single. Day. for the last 15 to 20 weeks. Who cares?
Rates right up there with the numbers at the doctor. Braxton-Hicks. Practice. Lots and lots and lots of them, but they do nothing. They don't mean a thing if they ain't got that scream...

And last, but not least... and certainly MY personal favorite to answer:
6. When are you going to have another one?
You're kidding, right?
Let's see. It took us 2 1/2 years to get to this point. One miscarriage. One surgery. Many doctor visits. Multiple procedures. Fertility drugs. Heartbreak. Frustration. And this baby is not yet safely in our arms. And you think I'm ready to discuss another one. Thanks, but I'd like to love and appreciate this little miracle for a while, first.

39 Weeks

2006-10-30T13:34:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning with some slight swelling in my hands. Not uncommon. They're swollen most mornings, but usually after I'm up a while they return to normal. Not yesterday. They were swollen most of the day and by last night, my ring finger hurt so bad I couldn't take it anymore. So... with the help of some lotion and gentle tugging, I pulled my wedding ring off. And then I cried about it.

And today, I feel completely naked without it. It hasn't been off my finger longer than 5 minutes (drying my hands, getting the ring cleaned/checked, etc.) since hubby put it there 2 1/2 years ago. I absolutely hate that I can't wear it now. And have this horrible fear that the swelling won't go away and I won't be able to wear it again without having it sized. Granted, I would prefer that over having to have it cut off at the hospital because of swelling. And I know if I end up with an IV I'll certainly get puffy from that and would be miserable with it on my hand. So, I do realize it is for the best right now. The hubby graciously pointed out in an effort to make me feel better, that it is pretty good I made it to 39 weeks with it on my hand. I know lots of women who have to take theirs off much, much sooner. But I feel so lost without it.

38 w 4 d

2006-10-29T21:25:00.000-05:00

Once again, I'm posting the update a couple days late. I'd like to say it's because I've been so busy. But... instead, it's simply because I've been taking care of myself and being a bit lazy. That and my mom was here most of the weekend... and she doesn't know about this blog, so I was too afraid to post while she was around for fear she'd walk in and question it.

Let's see..... I went to the doctor at 38/2 because I'd started in the night before that with a racing pulse. It started around 8 on Tuesday night while I was sitting at the computer. I laid down and almost an hour later hadn't really noticed any change, so made the hubby take me up to the store to check my blood pressure in their machine. My bp was okay, but my pulse was just over 100. YIKES! By the time we got back home and I laid down again, I was feeling better and could tell it had slowed, so decided to just go to bed and call the doctor in the morning. Next morning when I woke, just walking to the bathroom and back to bed I was extremely winded and could feel my pulse racing again, so called the doctor and went in to the office to be seen.

My blood pressure was still a higher than what is typical for me, but within the normal range and nothing they were too concerned about. My pulse was normal the entire time I was there, it just has episodes where it starts racing. As a precaution, they hooked me up to the monitor for an NST. Baby was his active self, kicking so hard at one point he knocked the probe loose from the belt and it had to be reattached! Since all looked good with baby and me at that point, doctor ordered me to stop working and just stay home and "take it easy."

Friday, at 38/4, I went back in for a follow-up. Blood pressure was still in the normal range, the pulse episodes had gotten to be much less, and the water-retention weight had gone back down. Phew! The whole "take it easy" thing seemed to have done the trick. But... in an effort to keep it down... I will not be returning to work before baby is born. And since I wasn't planning on going back after he's here either, I have suddenly become a stay-at-home-mom-to-be! I had planned on working up until baby was here... so the leave is a little sooner than expected... but I'll take it.

Admittedly, it has been very hard to sit at home all week and not want to be up doing and cleaning and organizing. You tell a nesting pregnant woman to stop nesting and see how well she takes it!!! It really overwhelmed me by Thursday night and had me rather freaked out. But, after a chat with my mom, she calmed me down by graciously offering to come help this weekend. The hubby did up the dishes, wiped down the counters and cleaned the stove top. Yesterday, mom came and scrubbed the bathtubs and swept and mopped the bathroom floors. (I had already cleaned everything else in the bathrooms before I was ordered to rest). Today, she came over, wiped down all the kitchen cabinets, the refrigerator, and swept and mopped the kitchen. As well as cooked dinner for us. Part of me feels bad for her working so hard and me not doing anything to help... but I know it's best for baby and me. And I am sooo grateful to have her do all of that. I feel such a relief knowing the house is clean before we bring baby home.

And in all of this, my wonderful hubby has been even more wonderful. He was already doing tons around the house to help out... and now that I'm doing less, he's doing even more. The most I've done all week is a few loads of laundry... and for that I'm not even allowed to carry the laundry basket without him jumping in to help. He's cleaned and scrubbed and lifted and moved and anything else I need that might be strenuous and cause my pulse rate to go up again. He's quite happy to insist on doing if it means I'm resting. I would certainly be lost without him!

So... it's been a long week. I'm feeling much better about it all than I did a few days ago when it all started. And I'm even better tonight sitting in a clean home. I can rest without looking at every tiny little thing and wanting to nest and clean. (and believe me, it was just tiny stuff at this point). Thankful for an understanding and helping family. And anxiously awaiting this little guy to arrive...

The Nursery

2006-10-24T20:03:00.000-04:00

I know I said these would be up yesterday. But, last night we decided to go buy a new digital camera before baby arrives. Ours was dropped earlier this year and just hasn't worked the same since then. So... we found one we liked that was in our price range and made the purchase. Which means today, I got to play around with it some and use it to take pictures of the completed room. Well worth the slight delay... at least in my book! So here we go! BabyR's nursery, just waiting for him to join us and be in it.

It was two months ago that we made our first trip to Lowe's for paint to begin the nursery. It's hard to imagine that back in August, the room looked like this:

Two months and many hard hours later, (not to mention a few dollars) this is what it looks like:

Inside Armoire:	Armoire Closed:


The Build-a-Bear Collection (well, part of it, anyways), on the shelves Daddy made:	Changing Table:



Rocking Chair, recovered by Grandma, with the quilt over the back of it:	Crib:



Inside the crib:	Dresser, restained by Daddy:

Rug:	Valance, with a few alterations by Mamaw:

And, as a joke today, when Grandma came to visit, we hung this on the wall in the place his name will be (she currently refers to him as "Baby No Name"):

And, of course, since Mamaw calls him something different, we put this up before she came by to see the completed space:

It really does bug them that we won't share what his name is... so we just couldn't resist having a little fun. Baby will be here soon enough, and then they'll know.

The Numbers

2006-10-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

280: Days considered to be in a "normal" pregnancy.

266: ACTUAL number of days pregnant from conception (the medical world is wierd in how they calculate that one... I can explain it if you really want, but would rather not) .

266: Also the number of days I've been pregnant (based on the first number).

14: In theory, days left until BabyR arrives.

9: Number of days I'm guessing.

1120: Diapers it is estimated we'll change in the first 16 weeks of BabyR's life.

10: Vaccination shots to be expected for BabyR in that same time span.

9: Trips to the bathroom in a 24 hour period, on average.

20: Liters of water I drink, per week, on average.

1440: Minutes a day that we anxiously await BabyR's arrival.

960: Minutes a day I'm hoping he'll decide to hurry and come out. (when I'm asleep, the pains of pregnancy no longer have me wishing he'd get moving, since I don't really notice them then)

3: Gallons of milk I go through in a typical week.

2: Average weekly trips to feed my Taco Bell craving.

4: Times a day that BabyR gets the hiccups.

1 Exciting Journey.

37 w 4 d

2006-10-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. Today is actually 37/6. But, 37w 4d is when my last dr. appt. was and I'm trying to stay consistent with previous posts. I just haven't had a chance to sit and blog until now.

All still goes well. My uterus measured 35 1/2 cm. A tiny bit smaller than the 38 I was expecting... but I think that's just because baby has dropped some. Doctor wasn't concerned, so I won't be either. I was slightly saddened to step on the scale and realize that by next week I will likely break the 180 lb mark. I was up 27lbs for the entire pregnancy... which is really good... but it was still a sad realization for me.

The doctor finally did an internal. 50% effaced and no dilating yet. Someone please explain to me what in the hell all of these contractions are doing if they aren't making me dilate! I'm having them more and more often and their getting stronger every day... so I thought for sure SOMETHING would have changed by now. After the doctor left the room, I had a conversation with my cervix. I thanked it for doing such a FABULOUS job of keeping this baby in. Especially since we were concerned about how it would do in the beginning. And then I told it that is could now relax and stop working so hard. It's okay to let the baby come now. We'll see if my talk had any effect...

The biggest "concern" was my blood pressure was up. I was in there on Monday to have it checked because I felt like it was up. Baby wasn't moving as much either, so they had me come in to be hooked up to the machine to check baby and contractions and have my bp checked. At that point, my bp measured LOWER than it had at any point in pregnancy. On Friday, when I returned for my routine appointment, it was HIGHER than it ever has been. 136/84. Still within the "normal" range, but on the high end of normal to the point my doctor mentioned it. She was glad to hear I'm only working part time and told me to take it easy as much as possible in hopes of keeping the bp down.

But... I checked it last night when we stopped at the store, and it was still up. And today was screening day at church, so I had the nurse check it for me this morning. 144/96. Definitely creeping upwards. The dr and I didn't discuss what will happen if it is still up next week. But... I have a suspicion, that since I'll be almost 39 weeks, if it is still up (or has gone even higher), there will be talk of induction. We just might be having a baby next weekend. I may call the nurse tomorrow and discuss it with her... just so I have a better idea.

With that in the back of my mind though, it was QUITE important to me that we get things finished up around here. The hubby had to redo two of the dresser drawers for baby's room... but those are drying tonight and will be in place tomorrow... and they are the last items. Everything else in the room got finished up this weekend. There's a few things to clean and put away in the dining room and kitchen... and I'd really like to scrub the bathrooms down... but that's all that's left. (Well, that and a stack of papers to file away-- but that is very low on my priority list at the moment. ) Then the whole house will be ready for baby to come home. I'm only working 2 days (4 hours each day!) this week, so I should have plenty of time to do some cleaning AND still rest and take it easy, too.

Once the dresser drawers are in place tomorrow, I'll be taking pics to share. The room is absolutely perfect and I can't wait for you all to see it!!

YAY!

2006-10-17T22:11:00.000-04:00

The changing table is here and is FINALLY correct! We picked it up tonight and I refused to leave the store with it until they opened the box and we checked out each and every piece. I was so anal about it, I even counted the screws for attaching the rail. But... there was NO WAY I was making a trip to BRU again for yet another changing table issue. Thankfully, all was good with it so we brought it home. It is all set up and looks beautiful.

I'll be finishing the nursery this weekend... and can't wait to take pics of it and share with you all. I just might have everything done before baby gets here, after all.

Pictures

2006-10-16T17:57:00.000-04:00

Remember this shirt?? Looks a lot different so many months (and pounds later):

And because I haven't posted one in a while, here's the belly. I just want to brag for a second and say that while I was at the doctor's today and the nurse was hooking me up to the monitors (long story, but all is okay), she commented on how beautiful a belly it is... MINUS stretch marks (yes, I've been lucky there):

And... though I suddenly don't recall if I even mentioned it on here... last weekend we had maternity pictures taken. They came out BEAUTIFUL and I am very, very happy with them. They are now available online, for your viewing pleasure:

https://www.smilesbywire.com/home.asp?AC=LTPP0807105996JCP

There are a couple of pics in there that it seems EVERYONE points out when they see them. Let me know which ones you like. I'm having a hard time deciding what to order. You will have to enter my customer name which is "Kat" and then my last name. I know, I know... some of you may not even KNOW my last name. Given that it is the internet, there are SOME things you have to keep private on here. LOL! (nevermind all the talk of feet in stirrups exams, and cervixes, and baby-making, and...) If you do not know my last name, email me. Tell me who you are and how I know you (which place on the internet, blog, etc.) and I'll make a decision about giving you the info. Sorry. Best I can do.

How HARD is it??

2006-10-15T08:41:00.000-04:00

Can someone please explain to me, why properly ordering one piece of furniture is so freaking hard for Babies R Us???

Two weeks ago, we went in and placed an order for the armoire, changing table, hutch, glider and ottoman to complete Baby's room. Obviously, it was a LARGE order and we spent quite a bit of money at their store (just on that purchase... forget the hundreds of other dollars on other things). We were told the standard "7-14 days" for it to arrive... with the glider/ottoman taking 4-6 weeks due to it being special ordered. No problem there. The glider wasn't the priority. We just wanted the nursery furniture so we could finish getting the nursery ready. We were told the 7-14 thing for the crib and it arrived 1 week later, so we figured this stuff would be about the same.

Sure enough, one week later, we had a phone call that the furniture was in. YAY! We made arrangements to use FIL's truck and to get my brother here for some muscle to help carry the stuff and to pick it up the next night. So, we get there last Friday, they have the 3 pieces for us and bring them out to the vehicles. The first thing they bring out is the changing table. They leave it with us and go in to collect the other two things. While they're inside, the hubby is looking and notices a hole in the box. Looks closer, and whatever went through the side of the box had put a big nick in the table. Not a big deal to me if it's on the back side. We'll just make them open the box and let us look at it first. Or so I thought. I go over to look at it more closely, and realize... IT'S THE ENTIRELY WRONG COLOR. GRRRRR!!

The armoire and hutch are fine. We load those up and they get the manager about the changing table. They don't have the right color in stock, so they'll have to reorder the piece... but they'll give us 15% back for our trouble. Upset and disappointed (having been looking forward to doing baby's room entirely last weekend and now learning that won't happen), we reorder... and do appreciate their efforts to "make things right" by offering the discount to us. We get the reorder taken care of, and are told they'll call us when it's in.... 7-14 days. Everything else has taken 7 days... so we figure on getting the call in a week (which would have been this past Friday, the 13th).

On Tuesday, we get a call that the glider/ottoman have arrived. Cool. They were supposed to take much longer, and they're here early. A very nice surprise. And a bright spot in the whole changing table dilemma.

Friday comes and goes. No phone call. Seems a bit odd, since everything else arrived right on time and the glider even came early. But... there was a holiday in there this week, so maybe that's the reason. Understandable. We'll give them until Monday, and then if nothing, we'll call and see what's going on. (Since I had this fear that the reorder hadn't gotten done right and we'd be waiting forever.)

As it turns out, the reorder was done properly. We went in there yesterday for a couple of things and thought we'd check on the changing table, since we were already there. Turns out, it had arrived on Friday... it just was labeled differently than usual, so they didn't catch it in order to call us and tell us it was in. GREAT! My day has been made! We have the last piece, can take it home and I can finish up the room.

Not so. We get it home and my brother comes over to help unload it. (It's 150lbs... way too much for me!) The guys bring it in and take it out of the box. It's all assembled except to put the legs on it and the "galley rail" (that little rail that goes around the top to hold the changing pad in place and help keep baby from rolling off.) We start looking. The parts for the rail are nowhere to be found. Go to put the legs on. One of the crossbars is missing so there's no way to attach one of the legs. Can you say "MAJORLY Pissed off pregnant woman?!?!"

The hubby calls BRU and explains the problem. Tells them this is already a reorder, and they put him straight through to the manager. She wants to thoroughly search the back to make sure they don't have another one, and to see if there's maybe one they can get the parts from, so says she'll call us back. She does. About 15 minutes later... so a good response time. But... there's no extra piece. Which means they have to REORDER the damn thing... AGAIN!!! And there's NO way they can get it here any sooner than the 7-14. Which means, yet another week before we get the thing in and can finish the room. Fine. Order it. And the broken one is sitting in the nursery, waiting for the new one to arrive and then they'll tell us what to do with it and will "compensate" us again for our trouble.

If it arrives at the 7 day mark, it will be 3 WEEKS we've been waiting on the damn changing table. This piece of furniture has become my nightmare. I have stacks of cloth diapers waiting to be washed and put away... and still no place to put them. We have a dresser in the garage that is only partly stained... since we spent half the day yesterday dealing with the nightmare piece, instead of being home for the hubby to be staining. So... I still have no place to put all the clean clothes that are currently piled in his crib. And the setback also means hubby wasn't able to get around to hanging the shelves yesterday, either.

On the bright side, we did get the living room furniture rearranged. The pack-n-play and the new glider/ottoman now comfortably fit in there and we don't feel like we're tripping over things. And I vaccumed and dusted and at least feel like I got something productive done before the kiddo arrives. And there's no Colts game today, and the NASCAR race was last night, so there's a good chance I can get the hubby to work on things today, too (Sunday is usually his "play" day for sports watching). So I know it will all get done. I'm just sooo ready for it to be done NOW so I can stop worrying and working and rest a bit before there's a baby in the house.

Lump

2006-10-09T20:12:00.000-04:00

Went to pull a picture off the memory stick that I needed for something else, and discovered these. Forgot we had taken them a couple weeks ago. Gee... can you tell where baby is??

34 w 4 d

2006-10-01T17:39:00.000-04:00

Had a dr. appt on Friday. At 34 w 4 d. All is well. Baby has flipped into the head down position, so just a matter of time. Dr said at this point if I go into labor, they likely won't try to stop things. At 34 weeks, the survival rate is very close to 100%... though it's still early than they prefer and would likely mean a little NICU time. But, after pointing all that out, and telling me I'm on to weekly visits from here on out.... my doctor actually commented on what a BIG milestone this is for me to be crossing. See. Another reason I love my dr. She understands just how long and trying this journey has been (having been there with me the whole way) and isn't afraid to celebrate in it with me.

Yesterday we spent the morning out running around. Went to Borders and picked up a few books (one for me, three for baby). Went to BabiesRUs. Exchanged the breastpump I'd gotten as a gift and bought the bouncer we wanted for baby. Went to lunch. And then the electronics store where the hubby bought a camcorder to have for baby... like a true "new dad." Came home and placed orders for the rest of the diaper supplies we needed to complete our cloth "stash." (Did I ever mention on this blog that we're doing cloth? Or was that just on baby's blog? Someone, please let me know...)

While we were out shopping, got a great deal on some fabric to recover the glider we're putting in his room. We ordered a new one with a matching ottoman for in the living room, so are putting the old one in his room for when we want to rock in quiet. The fabric goes perfect with the colors in his room... and was only $6/yard... compared to the original stuff I had picked out that was $16/yard. And I like it soo much better! :-) MIL came by in the afternoon to see the crib and took the fabric and cusions with her. She was so excited, she did the whole project last night and gave us the newly covered cusions back this morning at church. Looks wonderful!

Surprised me she got it done so soon. Especially, since I got the sense I somewhat offended her when she was here. She brought some "gifts" for us... knowing we still had things we needed. Changing table pad and cover, bottles and a snowsuit/bag thing. She asked if we already had something like that for him, to which I replied yes (because we do) and that you can't really use them with the carseat anyways. Not trying to be ungrateful or anything... but she did ask. She pointed out that it has the little slit in the bottom of the bag to put the seat belt of the carseat through, so then I had to explain that even with that, they aren't recommended because of the way the extra bulk can affect the way the shoulder straps work, putting baby at risk.... and that I just am not willing to take that chance. (Not to mention, the bag was clearly too big of a size) She said it was no problem, she'd just take it back... but I felt bad. But... she did ASK. And, of course, then she asked if she'd gotten the right bottles, because she grabbed them thinking they were, but without checking them on the registry. Naturally, they weren't the ones I wanted. So then I felt even worse. But, geez. Quit asking! I'm not going to lie about it... even if it makes me sound like an ungrateful, hormonal pregnant witch.

Went through all the shower gifts and got everything sorted out and started putting it away. Will have to wait for the furniture to get here to put most of it in. But... the furniture was all ordered last Thursday, so should hopefully be here by next weekend for us to get all of that taken care of.

Work was just getting to be too exhausting for me. After putting in 9 hour days, I've been coming home completely wiped out, so have had no energy for cleaning and sorting and organizing before baby gets here. So, I've also reduced my work hours starting this week. Now I'll have a few extra hours at home in the mornings I can work on getting things done around here before I go into work for the afternoon. I feel so behind on everything, and am hoping the extra time will help.

I'm still dealing with the "shock factor" that we're about to have a real, live baby. Excited. Nervous. Wanting to get everything done and ready. Hoping he gives me a few more weeks to do so. Anxious. And almost ready...

Shock

2006-09-26T21:16:00.000-04:00

There's a crib in my house. A real, honest-to-goodness, baby crib. In MY house. Look. Here's a picture to prove it:

It arrived yesterday, so we picked it up after work and excitedly brought it home and assembled it.

Somehow, though... I didn't realize it would also come with a dose of reality. Seriously. We have a crib. All made up and ready to go. Sitting in what is now referred to as "his nursery." A room painted just for the baby. With a crib. And hundreds of other baby related items. All for a baby. OUR baby.

I'm due in less than 6 weeks. In a very short time... 2 1/2 years of miscarriage and surgery and drugs and struggles... will be ending in the birth of our child. For so long I've wanted to be at that point. To hold my baby in my arms.

And now that it is almost here... I'm on the verge of terrified. There's still a small, lingering, in-the-back-of-my-mind fear of something going wrong. And a much more in-the-front-of-my-mind fear/realization that after almost 9 months of growing and carrying this little being inside of me... he has to come out. One way or another. He will not be living in my body much longer.

Instead, he'll be this tiny, living, breathing little person that will rely on us for his every need. Wow. Of course I knew that's what I was getting into when we started this journey. I knew that was the ultimate goal. But. Wow. Now that's it is so very close... it is almost surreal. Is this REALLY happening to ME?

With so much in place.... and even as I feel him moving and kicking inside me while I type... it's only just becoming real to me that I AM going to have a BABY.

Forgive me if I take a short time to deal with the shock...

Dropped?

2006-09-24T17:18:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have been down this road, I have a question. How do you know when baby has dropped???

I came home from work on Wednesday evening and the hubby made a comment about how it looked like I was carrying baby differently. His movements were in a different place. And instead of finding his heartbeat a few inches above my belly button, we found it just below it. All signs (I think) that he has at least flipped to head down... or so we're hoping.

Since then, I've noticed that when I have contractions, I feel a lot more pressure down low now... including in my cervix. I swear at one point last night, it felt like he was pushing against my ribs on one end and trying his hardest to push out my cervix at the other. OUCH! And several times a day I feel a slight "pinching" in my cervix. Kinda like when the doctor swabs it for your pap test. But it's coming completely from the inside... because there's certainly not a doctor walking around with a swab shoved up my woohoo. So... more hope it means baby has flipped.

Yesterday, I had my third (and final!) baby shower. 3 or 4 different people commented there that it looked like baby had dropped. Now... I'm certainly not a doctor... and there's always something to surprise me about pregnancy... but am I right in thinking he can't possibly have "dropped" without first having turned?? Dropping is when they start moving down more getting ready to make their grand entrance, correct? So the head has to be down for that to happen (at least in my theory)? So... really. How do you know???

Edited @ 7:37PM to add:
Since it's already been mentioned in the comments, as well as from people irl that I've talked to, so some others of you are likely wondering... no... I don't notice a difference in my breathing. But... I never had problems with it in the first place. A little short of breath on occassion, if I try to do too much, but breathing has not been a problem at any point in pregnancy... so I can't say if I'm breathing easier or not. Feels the same.

And should I mention that the slightest contraction sends me running to the bathroom because of the pressure on my bladder?

32 w 4 d

2006-09-15T16:35:00.000-04:00

Remember this picture from my last post???

As it turns out, the doctor pretty much confirmed that's a head. Had an appointment today, and because I had been having several BH contrax all morning, she decided to do an internal check. And, a few hours later, at 32 weeks and 4 days, I had the FIRST spotting of this entire pregnancy. Initial reaction: Panic. But... it took about 10 seconds for me to then remember/remind myself that I had just had a pretty intense cervix check and was pretty sure that was the cause... though it is still an uneasy sight to see.

She finished checking me and said she was pretty certain she wasn't feeling a head. Poked around on my belly and confirmed he is head up... so breech. I guess that's fine for now... she isn't concerned about breech until around 36 weeks, so now we're just hoping he turns by then. With all the BH I've been having, she said him being breech right now is probably a good thing. Keeps his head from pushing on my cervix and making it dilate (still long and closed at this point). So... now we know the bulge in that picture is a head. After I posted it the other day, I was pretty sure it was anyways, based on where I was feeling him kick once he got going. Still, it's kinda neat to have it confirmed.

All else went well. Measuring right on track. Heartbeat sounds good. Weight gain is good. Blood pressure was a little high... but suspect that's because of all the contractions I'd been having. Not high enough for concern, at any rate. Was told to take it easy this weekend, drink lots of fluids and rest. Otherwise, I just have an "edgey" uterus... so unless the contrax get substantially worse, rest when I can and hang in there. Next appointment in 2 weeks.

8 More Weeks...

2006-09-11T20:06:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe, but there are only 8 more weeks until Baby's due date! The time is certainly flying by. He's active. I'm always uncomfortable. Sleep is not so easy. And I'm loving it all.

I am working on a better post... but for tonight, this will have to do. Been having lots of Braxton-Hicks contractions today, so the dr. recommends I rest and take it easy tonight. Not really worried at this point, but certainly don't want them getting worse and becoming true labor contractions. 32 weeks is pretty good... but not far enough along for my peace of mind yet!

So... until I can get a little time to finish a real post, this will have to do. Here's a few updated belly shots:

This next one, the hubby took super up close... just because he was messing around. Have to admit, it was kinda freaky to look at and see my belly that up close. YIKES! But, upon closer look, I realized if you look closely at it... just a few inches above my belly button, there's a bulge that is actually Baby. Head or butt... that I'm not sure about. He wasn't kicking enough at the time for me to really tell what position he was in...... but... I thought the pic was kinda cool, so thought I'd share it, too:

Baby's Room

2006-09-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

I'm just too excited about Baby's room to not share it with you all. We bought the bedding a couple of years ago, having fallen in love with it and (at the time) assuming we would soon be having a child. Granted, thanks to IF, that process took longer than expected, but we hung-on to the set. After getting pg, and especially after learning we're expecting a boy, we discussed some other options for the room... but just loved this one way to much to give it up. The quilt from the set is at the left.

And then I started talking about it at work. My co-teacher also happens to be an art education major. (Translation: REAL artistic talent!) Somehow, in some conversation that I don't even remember, it was agreed that she would come paint the animals from the bedding onto the wall. And... so she did.

After about 15 hours of work last weekend, the painting in Baby's nursery is complete. I had a couple of things to touch-up in there last night and this morning, which is now finished. The paint is all cleaned up. The drop cloths put away. And the room is INCREDIBLE. I can't wait to get furniture in there and get pictures of the final thing, which will be in the next few weeks. But... until then, I thought I'd share pictures of the beautiful painting job my friend did, and the awesome nursery we have for Baby. I have close-ups of the animals, and will share those soon... but these give you a better sense of the room, including the clouds on the ceiling. They're in order, starting if you walked in the door and turned to the right, then going around the room. (Door in the first picture is the doorway to the room, the door next to the window is the closet).

Sex

2006-09-03T22:42:00.000-04:00

When dealing with infertility... sex can often times seem like a "chore." For the most part, I'd say I have a pretty healthy sex drive... made easier because I love my hubby so damn much. But, admittedly, there were many times when it was pretty hard to muster up the mood to do anything. When your sex life is based on the days of your cycle and/or some doctor saying "give yourself the shot and on this day, this day and this day, be sure to have sex".... it somehow loses something. Very early in the cycle, or very late in the cycle... it was a different story. THEN sex was fun and exciting and just for the hell of it... which I am still convinced is the best way to have it.

Who knew that pregnancy sex would be much like infertility sex?!? In my mind I would like to enjoy being with my hubby. But, the physical aspect of it has been hard for me to overcome. How do you be in the mood when your back and legs ache, your breasts are sore, your "girl parts" are so tender you can hardly walk, your belly is so big you feel you can hardly move and the perpetual heartburn has you nauseous and wondering if/when the vomiting of the first trimester is going to return?????

Somehow, despite all that, I woke up "in the mood" this morning... much to my hubby's delight. After weeks of nothing, he didn't seem to mind me waking him from his sleep. So, there we are... I've just awakened so nothing really hurts yet, I'm mentally and emotionally there and enjoying the thought of being with the hubby. We're lying in bed kissing, and I'll. Be. Damned. if baby doesn't start kicking the crap out of me. There's something about getting kicked in the ribs while making out with your mate that tends to kill-off any mood that was there. Suddenly... it is taking everything I have to focus on being with the hubby, while trying to ignore the baby. I managed, but I couldn't help but think how sex wasn't supposed to be so hard once the baby thing worked.

Sex is no longer about making a baby for us... we finally managed to do that. There's no pressure. No "have to." No schedule. Now... it is about it being fun and exciting and just for the hell of it. But... in a strange twist of irony... there still seems to be a baby in the way.**

**Believe me though... I am more than thrilled to have this "problem" and will take it over the infertility crap any day. any time. This little guy is worth giving up the sex life for. At least for a while... ;-)

30 w 4 d

2006-08-31T17:30:00.000-04:00

It's official. This baby has definitely sucked up a few too many brain cells. Had a dr appt today. All very routine. (And, let me just say how GOOD it feels to know my pregnancy is now being considered "routine" when it comes to my visits!!) Anyways. Got weighed. Had blood pressure checked. Told I could go to the bathroom and leave my sample. "Great!" I'm thinking... since I'd had to go from the time I left work.

Get in the bathroom. Look at the little "specimen" door and the note that is on it. See the basket with the markers on the back of the toilet. Sit down. Pee. And never ONCE touch a cup. In all of that... and after asking the nurse 3 minutes beforehand if she needed a sample... I completely blanked out and didn't do one. What. A. Dork. Am. I.

Saw the nurse when I walked out of the restroom and told her. She nodded and chuckled-- clearly I'm not the first brain-cell lacking pg woman who has done this. She said it was fine. I wasn't showing any reason why she would suspect I had protein or sugar in my urine and they'd just check it in two weeks at my next appointment. I still felt like an idiot, though.

All else went fine. Baby is measuring right on track. He gave the doppler a good, hard kick which made the doctor laugh. And she commented on the good job I'm doing with my weight gain-- only 17 1/2 lbs for the entire pregnancy to date. She asked if I've been keeping a close eye on it. Nope. We don't even own a scale. But, whatever I'm doing seems to be working, so she suggested I just keep doing it. Works for me. Means my occassional days of gluttony where I eat all day long are still okay... right?

Childbirth class this evening. Get our hospital tour. Guessing I should get my clothes changed and get ready to go. And... get some dinner, of course.

This and That

2006-08-28T21:12:00.000-04:00

Has it really been a week already since I last posted?? I swear it was just yesterday. Things have certainly been busy around here!

Last Wednesday, we went and bought paint for the background in Baby's room. Also picked out all the other colors while we were there... though we won't be buying those until later on this week.

Thursday evening, we had our second childbirth class. Got to see the video of a delivery. I was very impressed that the hubby made it through the whole thing, since he tends to be pretty squeamish about those types of things. Learned some more relaxation techniques and breathing exercises. This week will be our hospital tour... which I am really looking forward to!

Friday night, we finished clearing out Baby's room to get it ready for painting. The room is empty... except for Ralph's cage and a couple of lights. Although... the stuff that was in there is every which place in our house right now. Will be glad when the painting is done and we can begin to get everything put back in order.

Saturday, we got up and taped off the trim. Took a break to visit my friend at Build-a-Bear (and, of course, build the latest critter) and then went to Target. Got home, ate lunch, and got to work on the painting. All of the main colors are now finished!

The picture doesn't really do it justice. To walk into the room, it does feel a bit like stepping outside. Next weekend, my friend will be coming over to do the detailing. The green will get details to look more like grass. The blue ceiling will have clouds added to it. And standing in/on the grass will be the animals from Baby's crib quilt:

Soooo excited to see it all complete. Will, of course, be posting pictures after the painting is finished.

Sunday, I had a baby shower from work. Lots of fun and got lots of cool stuff for Baby. Bathtime stuff, dining stuff and the pack-n-play. It matches his crib bedding and high chair. Was very excited to get it, and couldn't wait to get home and set it up. Although... why didn't anyone ever warn me that they are not as easy to put up and down as you would think?!? We finally got it all set up and decided there was no way we were taking it down anytime soon. So... it is now sitting in our living room... waiting for Baby to arrive and sleep in it. Though, we do need to rethink the furniture arrangement if it's really going to stay out there. But... it definitely looks like we're expecting a baby in our house soon.

Edgy and Hormones and Tired... Oh, My!

2006-08-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

I've read/heard countless times about the changes the third trimeseter brings. Mainly how uncomfortable it is and how emotional one tends to get. But... ummm... where were the warnings that these things come on about 30 seconds after you enter said trimester and progressively get worse???

Had my first "real" pregnancy breakdown last night. Not sure if it was because I was just exhausted from the weekend or just plain ol' hormones kicking in, but it wasn't pleasant. Really... the whole weekend felt rather intense for me. I honestly don't know that I could put my finger on any one particular trigger. Just that I had many moments of feeling very edgy. You know the feeling. Every teeny, tiny little thing gets on that one last nerve you have, and you're just fighting the time until that one little thing makes you completely snap. I knew it was bad when I snapped at my mom over something trivial.

The weekend was fabulous and the baby shower was wonderful. I have 3 great-aunts. ALL 3 of them came in from out of state (2 from AK, 1 from CA) to surprise me for the shower. And my aunt flew in from UT. And cousins were there. And friends I hadn't seen in a long time. And some of the ladies from my Grandma's church that have known me for years. It was quite the crowd. We played some games, ate some very yummy cake, and opened gifts. A very lovely time.

But, by the time we even got to the actual shower, I was already tired and feeling stressed. The day before was stressful at work. I didn't sleep worth a darn that night, being in a different bed. We were up early and on the go. And even my Grandma's annoying ways were getting to me.... and I can usually let them roll off and think nothing of them. The longer the shower went on and the later it got, the edgier I got. And then I would get upset with myself for getting worked up instead of just relaxing and enjoying MY baby shower. Damn! When did the emotional hormones arrive?!?!

I did get a nap in before we went to dinner with all the family, which helped my mood a bunch. And I slept wonderfully that night. But, by mid-morning Sunday, the crankiness was creeping back in. I had a FULL nights sleep. 8 hours solid, without even getting up to pee, and after being up for just a couple hours I was already feeling exhausted and edgy. It rather sucks, if you ask me.

By the time we got home and got in bed last night, I'd had enough. I was lying in bed, lights off, hubby rubbing my back... what should have been a very relaxing state... and I was still so edgy I was ready to push him out of bed. And then the tears hit. I cried at the hubby about how I am just so tired of being so tired. I toss and turn all night long because I can't get comfortable. I wake up feeling as tired as when I got in bed. And I'm only at 29 weeks. Which means I'm only going to get bigger and more tired and more uncomfortable. How am I ever going to get through two more months of this?

Thankfully, I woke up this morning feeling a little better. The kid has been rolling and kicking all day, reminding me of just how wonderful a time this is. And to help with the stress and exhaustion, the hubby and I agreed that we want to have everything done and in place for this little guy by the first weekend in October. That's a full month before my due date and will give me the rest of the month to relax and sleep without having to worry about getting things done at the last minute.

I'm still tired. Somehow, I don't think that will go away for a long time. And I certainly still have moments of feeling unbelievably edgy. But... I suppose that comes with the territory. I made it 7 months before the hormones really kicked the emotions into gear... so I guess I can't complain... TOO much. 11 weeks to go...

Weekend Plans

2006-08-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

Doc visit today. All good. Measuring right on track. Gained another 5 pounds... but at least that was over 4 weeks this time, and not just two. Junior sounds good.

Have our first baby shower this weekend in Illinois. Mostly family and family friends. Should be fun. Looking very forward to it all!

Update when we return...

Have You Seen These?

2006-08-15T19:03:00.000-04:00

Have you seen these new commercials in the "VW Jetta: Safe Happens" campaign??? I have to change the channel when one comes on now. They're just too scary and graphic. Is it just me and my emotional pregnant state... or do you find them totally disturbing?

VW-- "Movie"

VW-- "Like"

A Chuckle for You

2006-08-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

Two quick stories you may find a bit of a laugh in. I know I did...

Run to Target this evening because I'm out of baby aspirin and Tums, and junior here is making me need both. Was in the mood for some mac & cheese as well, so thought I'd just grab a box while there. Get to the food section, and the mac & cheese is on sale. So, I get a couple of boxes, figuring I'll certainly use it and might as well save a little money on it. Get to the check out, the lady looks at me as I'm putting 3 boxes of mac & cheese on the counter and says "Craving mac & cheese, huh?" and laughs. I got a kick out of it, as did the hubby...

Coming home from vacation last week, we're in the car on some boring stretch of road. I'm watching baby turn and kick in my belly, and just plain admiring how big it's getting. Then I say to the hubby "I think my boobs are getting smaller" because they certainly look that way to me. He laughs and says "No, honey... it's just because your belly is getting bigger!" **

**Which really has to be the case, considering my bra is getting snug as I've just about outgrown it.

24w 4d-- Pics

2006-08-08T21:32:00.000-04:00

These pics were taken the night before we left on vacation... I just didn't get the chance to post them. The belly is growing! (Last Month's Pics) I'm convinced it's even bigger today than it was two weeks ago...

11 1/4 sheets of T.P. for those still wondering...

Pregnancy, Part 3

2006-08-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

Wow! The third trimester. It is hard to believe it's now only a matter of weeks before our little boy will be in our arms. I went back and re-read my Pregnancy, Part 2 post. The excitement now is definitely different than it was then.

There's still a hint of concern in the back of my mind that he may come early. But, there's also some reassurance in it knowing that if he were to come now, his chances of survival are good. Still not as high as a full-term... but the chances are fairly high, and improve with every passing day. Although... as long as my cervix was still measuring... there's actually been a joke or two that, after all the concern of preterm labor and incompetent cervix, I'll end up going late and be one of those women whose cervix never dilates.

The excitement now is more in the thought of actually seeing and holding him soon. Although, it is also surrounded by much apprehension and concern over the many, MANY things we still have to get done and the little bit of time we have left for doing it all. My weekends are all but booked until after Labor Day... yet somewhere in there we still need to get the nursery cleaned out so we can have it painted. The first baby shower is just two weeks away... and we've no place to put any of the gifts we'll soon be receiving. Plus... there are bills to get paid before I leave work. And Christmas shopping to think about since I doubt I'll want to be shopping with a newborn in the cold, winter months. And I'm sure a million other things that I'm just too overwhelmed by to even remember it all right now.

The third trimester is definitely bringing a different kind of anxiety with it.

But, there's also the many, many joys. The little one is kicking all the time. The hubby is feeling him regularly, too. I honestly thought he was going to fall off the picnic bench while we were camping when hubby started laughing hysterically at seeing my belly jump for the first time from a strong, baby kick. For the most part, I still feel good. Some occasional nausea creeping back in. And heartburn. And wicked leg cramps. But all of it just normal pregnancy pains. And there is NO denying I am pregnant... be you family, friend or stranger... it is quite obvious this belly has a baby growing in it. And I so love that. How do you not be excited to reach this point after struggling to ever get here?

Only 91 days to go........

Home

2006-08-06T17:16:00.000-04:00

Made it home and to bed around 2AM this morning. Slept til around 8 or so. Would like to have slept in longer, but was then afraid I wouldn't want to go bed tonight which would make me tired for work tomorrow.

Busy today doing laundry and getting things cleaned up and put away until next year. And just relaxing a bit before we go back to "reality" in the morning. My mom came over this afternoon and is busy cooking a big dinner for us. My "birthday" meal... since I celebrated while we were on vacation.

Trip was great. We did nothing but relax for the whole two weeks. Mom says it looks like my belly has really popped out. BabyR is definitely growing. Lots more about it all later...

Vacation

2006-07-21T22:33:00.000-04:00

In just a very short while, we will be heading out for our last big trip before BabyR arrives. After this year, camping in Copper Harbor will never be the same.

Yes... camping. At six months pregnant. And yes, camping for us means living in a tent. I can't begin to count the number of people who have told me I'll be hot and miserable. This will be my 4th annual trip up north and I can think of no better vacation. Keep in mind... Copper Harbor is WAY north. We've been following the weather forecast for up there the last couple weeks, and highs have been averaging in the low to mid 70s. Slight chance of rain most days, which is pretty common being on the lake. And essentially NO humidity compared to here. Most days we are there, I am in jeans and a T-shirt. By evening, I've added a sweatshirt (or two!). Yeah. Spending that time outdoors while pg, just isn't a concern for me.

But as I was saying... it really is the best vacation. For two whole weeks we live in fresh air and sunshine (and occassional rain) and with absolutely no schedule of any kind. Every morning we get up, shower, have breakfast and then decide what we're in the mood to do. The list of choices is plentiful... even if it is the same as last year. But... things change over time, and it is still great fun to visit all the usual places where we can recall old memories and make new ones. Even the campground is nostalgic since it's where Eric proposed to me 3 years ago. Not to mention, we're always joined by family and friends, which makes the trip even more fun and special.

After breakfast, most days begin with a walk to the beach. Not a sandy, warm beach like you probably just pictured when you read that. No. The beach is all rocks. Pepper will play in the water for a bit, and then while she lays in the sun to dry, we'll sit near the water's edge and hunt for agates. Once we tire of that, we'll head back to camp and then off to whatever destination we've chosen for the day.

Sadly, I suspect a few of our usual hikes won't make the list this year. I may be up to a couple weeks of camping, but I'm not so sure I could handle the hike at the Estivant Pines. The hike out to Hunter's Point isn't quite as bad... though still a bit long. And the boat ride to the Copper Harbor Lighthouse would only be possible on a calm day. But... even without those events, there will still be plenty to choose from.

Naturally, a visit or two to the Jampot will be in order. And I'm sure we'll head into town on several days for shopping. Once or twice we'll visit Calumet which wouldn't be complete without lunch at the Evergreen. And no camping trip to the UP would be complete without a few pasties. Add in there lots of time spent just hanging around the campsite relaxing, or reading, or playing games... and it will certainly be, yet another wonderful trip.

Talk to you all in a couple weeks when we return.

24w 4d

2006-07-21T22:25:00.000-04:00

The last of the ultrasounds. Yay! Things still haven't changed with my cervix so my doctor sees no reason why we need to continue to monitor it so closely. She said if it was going to open up early, it would have already started to do SOMETHING. But, nope. It's still a nice, long 5cm. I do believe she even gave a little cheer for a body doing what it's supposed to. LOL!

BabyR's heartrate sounded good. And my uterus measures right where it should. Good blood pressure. Good urine test. All set for our camping trip. Next doctor visit not for 4 weeks... where I'll get my diabetes screen done. Already NOT looking forward to having to drink that icky stuff.

Was annoyed by the ultrasound tech again today, though. My mom went to the appointment with me, hoping to get to see the baby. I asked the tech about it when we first went into the room, pointing out this was my last u/s. She said she had planned on just doing the internal for the cervix check because at this stage if the baby is head down, it can be hard to measure the cervix through the tummy. So, I went ahead and got ready. She measured my cervix, said okay, and turned on the light. I was stunned and asked if she was really not going to let us have a quick peek at him. No. She was "really backed up" so didn't have time. GRRR!!! I was sooo upset! I know for a FACT they schedule my scans for 15 minutes, and the thought that she was cutting my time short so she could get caught up really, REALLY irked me. Especially since my mom had taken the time off work to go with me to see BabyR. NOT at all a happy time.

But... we made up for it by going to lunch and then taking a quick trip to Babies R' Us. Mom bought me the baby book for BabyR so I can start filling in some of the pregnancy stuff. Not much else I can put in it now, since he isn't here yet... and since we aren't sharing the name. But, it did make me feel better and I'm excited about having it. And... even though the tech made me mad... I really can't complain since all is going so well with this pregnancy.

The Ticker

2006-07-13T18:37:00.000-04:00

As you've seen, I have that cute little ticker at the top of my blog that says how pg I am and how much further we have to go. Each week, it spouts out a new fact about Baby's development. It's been neat to see things like "My legs are becoming more proportional to my body" and "I've started hiccuping." Until this week.

This week... 23 weeks pregnant... it states "I'm viable outside the womb!" And every time I read that I CRINGE. No. Way. I realize there are some micropreemies born at 23 weeks gestation. And some of them do survive. But the survival rate at that age is something like 1%. Those that do survive spend months in the NICU, surviving only because of machines, and most go on to have developmental problems throughout life. HOW can they possibly say that 23 weeks is viable? Just the thought of it scares the crap out of me.

Thankfully... our little guy isn't going anywhere. Not anytime soon, at least. And... just as thankful... I'm half-way through week 23, so only a few more days of seeing that icky stat.

Bad Blogger

2006-07-11T18:48:00.000-04:00

Wow. Suppose I could have posted after last Friday's dr's appt. Bad blogger. Bad. Here's the belated scoop:

All went well. Another ultrasound to measure the cervix. Once again, there has been no change in the length. From what I've read and been told by the doctor, average length is between 3 and 4 cm. They only worry about preterm labor chances being increased if it falls to 2.5 cm or below. Mine is still at a lengthy 5.2 cm. Which means it is still long and closed and not even thinking about letting BabyR out anytime soon. YAY! I have another scan in two more weeks and then should be done with the ultrasounds and will hopefully just be on the routine "2-week" plan when we return from vacation... when my first appointment upon our return will likely include that wonderful glucose test. I'm already dreading that one!

I was disappointed that the tech didn't look at Baby at all. Just a quick cervix measurement and that was it. When I called the hubby after the appointment to tell him how everything went, I stated I was bummed because getting to see the baby every two weeks was the whole point of all of this. No, he replied. The whole point is to make sure everything is going okay and he stays in there until he's healthy enough to come out. Okay. Okay. So he made a good point. But it was still a bummer to not get to peek at my little guy. Other than the shot of his butt sitting on my cervix while she was taking the measurements.

His heartbeat sounds good. And my uterus measured right on track for how far along I am. (First time they've measured it!) Everything is going just as it should be. Although...... I was more than shocked by the scale. It seems I have gained 6 POUNDS in the last 2 weeks! Granted, in the last few days my appetite has started to increase some. But I certainly haven't eaten THAT much extra to have put on THAT much weight so quickly. And we've been going for a walk every evening after dinner now that the weather has gotten nicer. So... how is it possible to be eating pretty much the same, doing the same (or more) activity, and gain 6 lbs in 2 weeks?!?

I asked the doctor. She said it's perfectly normal. Some women go along at little to no weight gain, than jump up several pounds, then plateau there for a bit, then jump up again, etc. My total weight gain for the entire pregnancy is only 9 pounds, which is perfectly healthy. As long as it doesn't continue to jump like that, they won't be concerned. If it does, then they'll want to look into reasons why (gestational diabetes, edema, etc.). But... I show no signs of anything other than a healthy pregnancy, so not to worry about it at this point. Even so.... it is still sitting as a shock. But, all is good. Mommy and Baby are both doing well and are healthy... which is the important thing.

Confession, Doctor and Vent

2006-07-04T17:04:00.000-04:00

I have a confession... keeping up with two blogs seems to be a bit much sometimes. Yes, I have a second blog. Actually, the baby has a blog**. We have much family out of state and wanted a way to include them in the pregnancy and baby-raising and thought a blog would be a great way to do it. But... there is much on this blog I'm not comfortable with family reading. There's just something about discussing dildocams and intercourse that I just couldn't imagine my mother-in-law reading. And while this blog has shifted from miscarriage and infertility to pregnancy, I do still feel sensitive about it all and there are some baby things I just didn't feel comfortable posting. Which made a second blog the easy answer. I only mention it now because I could have sworn I posted something on here last week, only it never made it to this blog... just the other one.

As it turns out, last weeks cramping wasn't entirely Braxton-Hicks. Some was... but I also had a bladder infection. Went to the doc on Thursday to confirm it and get on some antibiotics. Started feeling better until Sunday on the way home from my grandma's. The pain started getting worse, and was still there on Monday morning. So... when the nurse called me first thing Monday morning with the results of the urine culture (all fine), I told her I was just getting ready to call about the pain. And, after a very active week, baby's movements were quite a bit less, too. Without hesitation, she scheduled me to see the doc that day.

Doc listened to baby's heartbeat and checked my cervix. All is fine. She just thinks that with the nature of my job, I'm going to feel more pulling and stretching than some might. Also pointed out that between 22 and 24 weeks, baby tends to hit a growth spurt... so the stretching pains may be more, and his activity level may be a bit less... but it is all normal. I told her thank you and I wouldn't worry then. To which she gave a "Yeah, right" and laughed. I laughed with her and agreed I would leave it at trying not to worry so much.

And for the vent part... can I just point out (not for the first time) how STUPID some people can be?!? I'm at work yesterday and my co-teacher is on break so a different teacher is in the room with me. Keep in mind, everyone at work knows I am pg... and most everyone knows it was a struggle for us to get here.

So new-teacher and I are in the room, going about daily routines, etc. She and her husband are TTC so there was much pregnancy and baby talk going on. And then... she proceeds to tell me about a friend of hers who is about 4 months pg and just found out she was carrying twins, but one of them died and how they're just waiting for her body to reaborb it. THEN she starts in with a different story about another friend who just went into labor at 24 weeks!

I stopped her mid sentence and basically bit her head offf! I snapped at her that I am 22 weeks pregnant after a loss, high-risk for preterm labor and to stop with all the stories like that. I get freaked out easily enough... I don't need her crap in my head to make it worse.

Seriously, why, why, WHY do people do that??? WHY do they think that a pregnant woman wants to hear stories about pregnancies gone bad... with or without a good outcome. I was so pissed off I couldn't wait for 3 o'clock to come so I could leave for my doctor's appointment. Is it really SO hard to think before you speak???

**I wouldn't be against sharing baby's blog with you, if you are interested. BUT-- I would have to ask that you follow 2 rules. 1) should you leave any comments on it, you post them anonymously and just sign your name. NO links to Blogger profiles that link to your blogs that link to mine. My mom is figuring this stuff out more and more each day, and is certainly the type to follow links around out of curiousity-- and I don't want her stumbling upon this blog because she follows a link from yours. And, 2) I honestly don't remember if I've shared baby's name on here or not. But... we are NOT sharing it with family until he is born... so if you know the name, NO mention of it in posts on his blog. If you can abide by these simple rules, email me for baby blog info.

Braxton Hicks

2006-06-28T20:06:00.000-04:00

Pepper decided to be obnoxious this morning and not get in her kennel when it was time for me to go to work. I must say... the sight of me and my 21 week pregnant belly getting down on my hands and knees to chase the dog out from under the coffee table... and then trying to get back up... could NOT have been attractive! Thankfully, no one else was here to witness it. Typically, it's not the getting to the floor that's hard. I do that all the time at work still. However, getting back up off the floor is starting to take some real effort.

Very long day at work. Not a ton of babies, so I was by myself. Which meant I did all the lifting and bending and rocking and so forth. And after all of that, I'm reasonably certain I have experienced the first... and what I'm certain won't be the last... of Braxton Hicks contractions.

A couple of times today, I noticed my abdomen feeling really tight. No pain. Just a mild discomfort. And as soon as I'd sit for a minute or two, things would relax and the discomfort was gone. Nothing I'm worried about. My doctor said discomfort and even mild pain is normal. I need to be concerned if the pain becomes intense, or if the contractions become frequent and/or regular. These fit into none of those clarifiers, so I'm pretty sure they are BH and just fine. Not to mention, the little guy was very active today--- and I was told to worry if his activity decreases noticeably-- not increases like today! Another sign things are progressing just as they should.

Oh--- and I should mention we'll be heading out of town Friday afternoon for a visit to my grandma's. Just in case I don't make it on here again before then, that will explain my absence. Have a great weekend!

20 w 4 d

2006-06-23T20:35:00.000-04:00

Two more weeks have passed and all is still going fabulously. Today was dubbed the "BIG" ultrasound. Called such because it is at this scan that most people find out the gender of their baby. But... being on the two week scan plan, I learned that information 4 weeks ago! Still, it was great to see the little guy once again. Though... today's session felt very routine and rushed... unlike the last two I had. But still.... I got to see my little boy.

Doctor said all of his measurements look really good. He's actually measuring at 20w 6d, so a couple days ahead of where we are. Gotta love hearing news like that! He was being quite the wiggle worm, and a couple of times as we watched him give a good kick on the screen, I felt it at the same time, which was incredible. The hubby went to this scan with me and was really amazed at how much baby has grown and changed since the last time he saw him.

The great part about today's scan... besides the whole healthy baby thing... the entire thing was done WITHOUT GETTING NAKED!!! For the first time in a gazillion ultrasounds over the last several years, I did NOT have to meet the dildocam. I was shocked! But, the tech said she would measure my cervix from the outside scan, and only do the internal if it looked like there had been much change. Today's measurement. 5.2. Exactly the same as two weeks ago! YAY for a good cervix. I praise it after every appointment and remind it daily to keep up the good work.

Met with the third doctor in the practice today. Like her a bunch, too. Then again... I like everyone at my doc's office. She looked at my cervix measurement and wondered why in the heck we're checking it regularly with measurements like that. Had to explain the history a bit and then she totally agreed it was a good idea. Then, she let us listen to the heartbeat, too! Haven't heard it at the doctor's since 12 weeks. Told her we listen at home with a rented doppler and she was asking all kinds of questions about where we got it, how much it cost, etc.

So... all is well in babyland. The little guy has been rolling and kicking like mad today... so I am DEFINITELY starting to feel him a lot more. It is still a bizarre (but wonderful!) sensation, and often catches me by surprise... but I wouldn't trade it for anything. As strong as he's getting, shouldn't be too long before the hubby is feeling him more regularly, too.... which I can't wait for.

5 ultrasounds down... hopefully only 2 to go! (oh... and will try to scan a couple new pics and post later this weekend)

Halfway

2006-06-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

20 weeks down... 20 to go. I think it's finally starting to sink in that we really could end up with a baby out of this. But the scars of miscarriage and infertility remain. And there is still fear that something could go wrong.

It becomes more and more clear every day that those scars may fade... but will never go away. I've read other IF blogs that say the same thing. Throughout pregnancy and delivery... and even as the babies grow, IF and loss still find a way to haunt you.

And... if you're like me... you can't avoid it. Well... I suppose I could if I never looked at another blog... but what are the chances of that? 20 weeks is such a big milestone... but there are tons of stories out there that, having been through a loss, make you realize that nothing is certain. Babies born still at full gestation. Babies born early and spending weeks or months in the NICU. Some make it. Some make it with disablities. Some don't make it at all. Travel the world of IF blogs, and you're bound to hear it all. Heck, if you've been around the IF blogs a bit... you probably know about Tertia-- who has actually been through all of those things. Somehow, in the process of educating oneself and making connections with others who understand, the fears are also compounded.

Because of the history... and the stories from others... I have to remind myself every. single. day. that there is a little life growing inside me. He is healthy. And strong. And odds are, we'll be holding him in our arms in just a few, short months. Knowing the facts and stats doesn't necessarily make it easier. It makes the fears less. But they are still there.

I still get antsy if I don't feel him move for a few hours. I still have to pull out the doppler every night to listen to his heartbeat and remind myself that he is fine. I still wait with anticipation for each ultrasound (yet another version of the 2ww) to see him moving around and know that he is alright. And I regularly remind myself to relax, and breathe and put the fears out of my mind... for his sake and mine. It gets a little easier with each passing day, but it is still something I have to work at. (And, I've stopped looking at any new blogs for the time. I'm sticking with my "regulars," whose stories I already am familiar with.)

Don't get me wrong. In all of this, I am thrilled to death to be here. And I celebrate with great joy each and every little milestone. Like the wallop of a kick he gave me a few nights ago. It was the first time I had felt a very noticeable kick... without having to concentrate on what exactly it was I was feeling. And laughing, when the dog tried to lay across my stomach and baby gave her a good kick. And the sheer excitement I felt the first time the hubby felt baby kick. And the chuckle we shared during the middle of the sermon at church last Sunday when I was dealt a sharp pain in my abdomen that was quite clearly a tiny head pressing against things and not wanting to move from that spot. I really could go on and on. Pregnancy in itself, is quite the interesting and wonderful experience. That much I have learned.

And I have learned that infertility and miscarriage never leave us. I only hope I can continue to quiet the fears to my best ability. And continue to rejoice in the fact that I am well on my way to having a wonderful, baby boy.

Fat and Lazy

2006-06-15T19:45:00.000-04:00

What is it that has us believe that a pregnant woman should just continue on with life "as normal?" Keep going at the break-neck pace she has always lived by? Not want nor expect anyone to lift one, single finger in assistance?

Countless times I have heard people refer to pregnancy as a "condition." And it is. It is not a "disease." It is not something we need to hide from. Or feel we have to give up our lives for. My doctor refers to pregnancy as just another "state of health." For most women, if you were doing it before getting pregnant, you can continue with it while pregnant. At least, for the most part.

But why, oh WHY, does it feel like I am viewed as "less" of a woman when I take it easy with my pregnancy? I can't BEGIN to count the number of times I have gotten "the look" because I mention something the hubby did for me... or if we're out together and I ask him to do/get me something... or if he just willingly offers. I get it from strangers, acquaintances, friends... and even from family who KNOWS my situation. The look is always from women... generally ones who have been through pregnancy and have children. What is it? Wait. I know. I'm giving women a bad name by being a lazy pregnant one. Is that it?

I think that's the part that gets me. Having people pass judgement on me when they have no idea of my situation or circumstances. (or having them judge even when they are well aware of things!) It's not like I just said one day, "I think I'll get pg so I have an excuse to sit around and get fat and be lazy." No. Not like that at all.

I do a LOT in my day. Anyone with kids knows what goes into taking care of an infant... Diapering. Feeding. Cleaning up messes. Etc. Etc. Etc. So multiply that times 8... throw in the help of one other person... and you have my day. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. 8 babies... all under the age of 1. No denying it. My job is demanding.

My doctor knows this. My husband knows this. And because of this, given the "high risk" nature of my pregnancy, if my doctor had her way, I would go to work, come home, put my feet up and do absolutely nothing the rest of the night. In her ideal world. But there are still things like errands that need to be run, and dinner that needs to be cooked, and laundry that needs to be done. Most nights I come home from work, and to my doctor's liking, take it easy and do as little as possible. Some nights I cook dinner. Some nights I even manage a load of laundry. But, I don't do much. We save the bulk of our errand-running for Saturdays, when I haven't been caring for babies all day long. That's also the day I try to do some housecleaning. And Sundays I sleep most of the day... except for going to church. I admit it. I don't do a whole lot if I don't have to, and I do spend a lot of my "free" time sleeping... or at least resting. It's what the doctor has said is best for me and the baby.

So why, then, am I made to feel like I am committing a crime by taking it easy whenever possible and allowing... or even (GASP!) asking my hubby to do some things for me? He's been a saint throughout all of this... never once complaining that I need another glass of milk before I crawl out of bed (lest I puke everywhere)... or that I'm just too tired to fix dinner, leaving him to fix something for himself or the both of us... or that I fall asleep while the clothes are in the dryer and he ends up folding them... or anything. He knows what my doctor has said. And he wants a healthy baby too, so understands the importance of helping out and allowing me to rest whenever needed. There's a reason for my "fat and lazy" state. And a reason my hubby is doing his absolute best to take care of us (beyond all that love, honor, care for stuff).

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

The Belly

2006-06-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

There really are a couple of posts swimming around in my head. One of them is even IF related. I promise. They are coming. Til then... here are the belly shots I promised a few days ago. According to measurement (by counting sheets of toilet paper... something we've been doing every week) I am STILL the same as I was four weeks ago. But I think the pictures say otherwise. Have a look for yourself and tell me what you think:
(Last month's pics can be found here)

Personally... I think I'm even looking pg from the front now:

18w 4d

2006-06-10T18:39:00.000-04:00

I've been a slack blogger this week. Plenty of ideas running around in my head, just haven't taken the time to work them out and get them posted. Coming soon. For now... update on yesterday's (18w 4d) doctor visit.

Thus far, things seem to be rather "routine." Doctor walked into the room, looks at me, and first thing says "Man! Your cervix is long!" I laughed. This week it measured a strong 5.2cm. Down 1/2 a cm since two weeks ago, which my doctor says is absolutely nothing. Considering they expect it to only be between 3 and 4cm at this point, mine is definitely doing a super job. My doc was actually considering the possibility of not doing as many ultrasounds as originally scheduled, simply because things look so good. WOOHOO!!! Although... I won't let her stop the scans until I have the one right before we leave on vacation. I'll enjoy my trip much better if I know from the day before that things are still nice and closed up.

Baby is DEFINITELY still a boy. Tech went to take a quick peek and there was no need to search and no denying it. My little guy has no modesty..... just like his mother. Heartrate was 158 on the ultrasound.... right where we've counted it to be when we check it with the doppler. Because of the ultrasounds, they never listen to the heartbeat in the office since they know from the scans it is there and strong. Makes me really glad we rented the doppler so I can still hear him.

I gained 2.5 lbs, so finally putting on a little weight. Somehow, my tummy measures the same as it has the last couple of weeks.... though it definitely LOOKS like it's popped out more. Several people have commented on how much more it is sticking out over the last couple of days. Will take some pics this weekend and post for you all to see.

Discussed childbirth classes with the doc. She said we don't have to take them this soon, though the hospital suggets getting signed up for them in the next few weeks. Suggested looking into the Bradley Method if I want to go all natural, but really doesn't see anything wrong with just taking the basic class at the hospital. I told her I'm terrified to have an epidural and really want to avoid one if we can. She said that's absolutely fine, she will not try to talk me out of what I do or don't want, because it is my decision.... but also reminded me to keep an open mind about the whole process. Said after working so hard to get here and to stay pg, the ultimate goal at the end is a healthy baby.... and if that means an epidural or c-section or whatever we need to do, to just keep that in mind and be prepared for anything. I do so love my doctor.... as I've said many, many times.

Blood pressure was fine. Pee test was fine. Just a "trace" of sugar, which the nurse blamed on the Cocoa Pebbles I'd had for breakfast shortly before my appointment. All is well. I'm just shy of 19 weeks and just shy of the half-way point. It never ceases to amaze me. And feeling him move, or hearing his heartbeat never fails to put a smile on my face.

What a Day!

2006-06-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

I think I can honestly say "T.G.I.F." took on a whole new meaning today.

Let's start with the most important... and best of the news. The results of last week's bloodwork came in and BabyR is negative for the major birth defects covered in the test (Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and neural tube defects.) Thank goodness. Can't say I was ever really worried, but it is still a relief to know our baby boy appears to be in great health.

And then everything else happened. Work was long. And stressful. For reasons I can't really go into much detail about at this time. I can say that I am only indirectly involved... though even that meant spending much time today answering the same questions when posed by different individuals handling the matter. And given the strong liking I have for a couple of the persons involved, it only makes it that much harder and that much more stressful.

Then we add to that a typical day in the classroom: 8 babies between myself and my co-teacher. A couple of them are teething, and therefore incredibly cranky. One puked his lunch because he's still adjusting to the thicker texture of the food he was eating and it was too much for him. This after a different one had the same problem earlier and puked her breakfast. Another had a couple of runny diapers and started running a fever. Lunch was ravioli, which meant a big mess and baths for the three on table food. As well as the usual crying, screaming, fussing, etc. No kidding. It really wasn't much different than any other day in my room.

I get home, and the instant I open the door I am very aware of an all-too-familiar bad smell. Took Pepper out first thing, and increased my suspicion. Brought her in, just as Eric was getting home. Yes. She had peed in her kennel. And though she had just been outside and peed several times with both me and Eric, she promptly peed on the bed, and then on the hallway floor. Very noticeable blood in it. Her bladder infection is back.

So, we piled in the car and headed back to the animal ER. She, of course, didn't think I'd dealt with enough puke today, so proceeded to vomit on the back seat of the car. As tough as it was, Eric managed to clean that one up himself. The vet was concerned about the problem returning so quickly... she's only been off the last round of antibiotics for a week... so took x-rays to rule out bladder stones. And like any good pregnant woman who loves her pet, I cried when the doctor had to half drag her out of the room, tail tightly tucked between her legs, to go for the xrays. Thankfully, they were clear and no stones. She was given a shot of pain-killer, another shot of antibiotics, and one of an anti-inflammatory. As well as 2 week's worth of 2x/day antibiotics to continue at home. And she better like the taste of them because the suckers are way too big to hide in a piece of cheese.

When all was done, I looked at my tummy and jokingly told BabyR it looks like he'll be sleeping in a drawer after paying for Pepper's ER bill. Okay. So he won't REALLY be put in a drawer. We do have some "baby money" tucked away into savings..... but it was pretty wild to realize the vet visit for the dog cost the same as the crib we have picked out for the baby.

Since getting back home, Pepper already seems to be feeling a little better... though she peed in the house, yet again. Everyone talks about how much more laundry you have when you have a baby. No one ever mentioned all the extra laundry I'd be doing with a sick dog in the house. YIKES! T.G.I.F.

Our Son

2006-05-29T18:36:00.000-04:00

Profile:

The four white dots next to "Hi Daddy!" are his fingertips. The white dot just below them is his thumb:

Boy Parts:

Tiny feet and toes:

It's A...

2006-05-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

Baby!

Things went great at today's appointment. My cervix is actually closed up tighter than they expect it to be at this point. YAY! The doctor believes that all will be good and we won't have any problems with it. Chances are, there would be some early signs at this point if it were going to give out on me. As a precaution, I'll still be having the bi-weekly ultrasounds, but doc said looks good and I can relax a bit.

At 16 weeks, 4 days, I have gained 0 pounds. Yep. Nothing. The half-pound I had lost at the last appointment has been gained back... which puts me back at my pre-pregnancy weight. Surprisingly, the doctor didn't say anything about it... so I guess it's okay for now. Either that, or they figure since they'll be seeing me every two weeks anyways, they can keep a close eye on things.

The ultrasound tech was FABULOUS. I do so love everyone at my doctor's office. Since this u/s was just for a cervix check, I wasn't expecting more than a quick peek at the baby. But... they had accidentally scheduled me for a big block of time instead of the short one... so the tech figured she could spend a little extra time with me. She said after looking over my history, there was no way she would have let me out of there without having a good look at the little bugger.

Baby was quite the little wiggle worm. Not shy about showing us anything we wanted to look at. But wouldn't sit still for any length of time to get more than a quick look. Though, I already knew that after our daily games of hide and seek. The tech started checking the baby out, then says "wait a minute" and gets up. She pulls a blank videotape out of the cabinet and puts in the VCR to record everything, saying I needed to have one so the hubby could see it since he was unable to attend today. How sweet and thoughtful! I hadn't thought to bring mine, not expecting much of a scan today.

She took lots of pictures to send me home with, too. She pointed out hands and fingers. And feet and toes. Arms. Legs. Spine. Ribs. Looked at the beating little heart and pointed out where all four chambers are present. And took an extra-good, thorough look to be sure what she was seeing was correct when she pointed out the BOY PARTS!!! Yes. It's a BOY!

Hubby and I are thrilled. Both at it being a boy, and simply at the thought that he is healthy and doing well. Hubby was annoyed though, that I wouldn't tell him when I talked to him on the phone after the appointment... but I wanted to do it in person.

So... when he got home, he received a pink bag stuffed with pink tissue paper, and immediately asked if it was a girl. However, he opened it to find a blue bib with an airplane on it that says "I Love My Daddy," and one that says "Thank Heaven For Little Boys." It's a Boy!! he says, with a very large grin on his face. Well worth waiting the few extra hours so I could see his reaction.

I was going to post some of the pictures... but the scanner still isn't hooked up to the new computer. And it's already after 10 and I'm exhausted. We leave in the morning for Michigan. The nephew turned ONE today, so we're going up there for his party. Will work on the scanner and getting the pictures up when we return home in a few days.

Have a great and safe holiday weekend. I'm off to listen to my son's heartbeat and go to sleep.

Hide and Seek

2006-05-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, both of our moms stopped by at different times, and they were so excited to get to hear Butterball's heartbeat, too. It really has made for a fun weekend.

Our weekend mornings now start with a round of "Hide and Seek" with the baby. Such an active little thing! We chase him/her around my uterus and out from behind the placenta while searching for the heartbeat. One second it's in one spot... and then moves to another. So much fun!

And... thanks to the doppler... I've learned baby is much higher up than I realized. Sitting as high as my belly button now. Which means, some of what I've been feeling going on in there actually HAS been baby movement and I just didn't know it. The movements are still small... I generally don't notice them unless I'm focusing on paying attention to them... but when I do, the flutters are there and just make my day. And occassionally, I can even push on my tummy and get a little nudge back. It's just all so exciting!

Now I'm just anxiously awaiting finding out if Butterball is a boy or a girl. Have an ultrasound on Friday. It's supposed to be a cervix check, but I can't imagine the tech at my doctor's office doing an ultrasound and not letting me see the baby. Hoping she'll be willing to take a look and see if we can see boy or girl parts. Cross your fingers that baby doesn't cross its legs.

PS-- For those wondering, Pepper is doing much better. The medicine is working and she's back to her normal, happy, playful, bark-at-anything-that-moves-in-her-yard self.

My Day

2006-05-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

What a crappy day!! Pepper has a bladder infection. She whined all yesterday morning before we left for work. When I got home and took her out, she peed a gazillion times and after each was walking like she was in intense pain. Poor thing. We called our vet who gave us the number of the animal hospital in case we felt she couldn't wait until morning. When the hubby took her out a little later, he noticed blood in her urine, so off we went. They checked her out, gave her some medicines and we were out of there in about an hour. She slept well last night, I'm sure because of the pain killer... but I was glad we took her in since it meant I got to sleep well, too.

We crate her during the day while we're at work. Always have. She has a bit of separation anxiety and gets destructive if we don't. For her own safety and my sanity, the crate is the best thing. But, I always feel bad about having to leave her for the day. I know... lots of people go off to work and leave their dogs at home while they do... but I still feel guilty about it. Today, it was even worse. With a bladder infection, I just couldn't stand the thought of her being unable to go potty all day long, so I came home on my lunch break and took her out.

Unfotunately, when I got home, she had thrown up in her kennel a couple of times, and peed in there as well. UGH! She has a kennel pad, so it was easy to just pull it out and throw in a blanket real quick before I had to run back off to work... but just the site of the puke made me gag quite a bit. And she refused to get back in there on her own, so I had to push and shove and lift her in. And then I cried most of the way back to work. I felt sooo horrible for leaving her like that.

Got home and she had thrown up again. We're not sure if it's from the medication or from being in so much pain from trying to be a "good dog" and not potty in her crate. Hubby took her outside and I started laundry. And took the kennel tray outside to hose off. And then moved the kennel and vacuumed around it and Febreezed the area. The smell was making me sick. Though the hubby says it's my pg nose because he hardly noticed it at all.

On top of the kennel laundry, there's been spot-cleaning the carpet a few times where she wasn't able to wait to go out and pee... and taking all the bedding off our bed to wash because she had an accident up there, too. None of it is her fault. We know it's because she's sick and can't control it. So we clean it up and continue on. But, MAN! I hope she's over this soon.

The bright spot in my day was getting home and seeing the doppler I ordered on Wednesday had arrived! After we got stuff cleaned up from the dog, we tried it out. Didn't take hardly any time at all to find that wonderful heartbeat. What a relief! And what an active baby!!! At the doctor's office three weeks ago, we listened for at least a full minute with the doctor not moving the probe at all. Not today!!! The kid wouldn't still still more than 10 or 15 seconds and then the sound would be gone and we had to hunt for it again. Like an early game of hide and seek. I really could sit and listen to it all night long. Though, they don't recommend more than 10 minutes at a time so I'm being very good and controlling myself. But what a reassurance to hear the heartbeat again and know that everything is fine with the Butterball. With that... the day really doesn't seem so bad after all.

Two Things

2006-05-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

I feel reasonably certain that I felt the little Butterball move the other day. Of course, I have absolutely nothing to compare it to. But, from what I've read and heard others describe, I'm pretty sure that was it.

And then... there's been nothing since then. Granted, it's still early, so feeling any movement at this point, is rare. But naturally, it means I've been starting to worry more and more. Normal worries, I'm sure... but too much for me. I've been on the bad side of pregnancy luck... so I tend to worry even more and have fears that run even deeper. So... after waking up at 4AM and then tossing and turning until the alarm went off at 6:15, I've decided two things:

1. 4 weeks is FAR too long for me to go between doctor appointments and keep any sort of sanity.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since my last appt. and I'm going nuts. Until this stretch, thanks to the peri visit, I've gotten to see or hear the baby every 2 weeks or so. Thank goodness I'll be going every 2 weeks starting with the next visit. Otherwise, I think I'd lose it.
2. I can not continue to lose sleep over worry.
So... this evening I ordered a fetal doppler so I can listen to Baby's heartbeat at home when the panic is just too much for me. I've been asking the hubby for weeks now to let me order one, and after last night, he no longer had a choice. I think he fears the pregnancy hormones so agreed quite easily to hand over the credit card this evening. Besides, it's only on rent for a couple months. By then I should be feeling the kid regularly and won't get worried so easily. Well worth it, in my book, if it means less stress and more rest for this mommy.

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

As joyous as it is to be experiencing this day pregnant and happy... I can not forget.

I can not forget that 2 years ago on this day, we learned I was expecting and shared the news with our families as a Mother's Day gift for our moms.

I can not forget that baby... Erin. Lost a few short weeks later.

I can not forget the pain and the heartache and the depression that came with losing a child... even though we never met her.

I can not forget the many ups and downs as we tried and tried and tried again to conceive a baby.

I can not forget the long, treacherous road of infertility... procedures, surgery, drugs, shots.

I can not forget the many wonderful people who supported me along the way.

And I can not forget the terrific women I've met in blog land. Many of whom are still in the depths of infertility and on their journey to having a child. I can not forget how hard it is to be in those shoes on this trying and difficult day.

On a day that celebrates what you so long to be, for the infertile it is hard... nearly impossible to face. The anger, longing, suffering and loneliness only seem stronger and more real. No. I can not forget any of that. At every mention today of remembering the mothers who have lost a child... be it something I read in the paper, or in the prayer at church... I cried. I cried for my loss. I cried for my friends' losses. I cried for those who have never experienced the actual loss of a child... just the loss of the thought of a child with each failed cycle of trying.

I'm afraid the pain of infertility and loss never leaves you. Yes, I am carrying a child on Mother's Day this year. Yes, I am happier about that than even I imagined I could be. But, Mother's Day, to me, even in the joy, is still a sad reminder of where I've been.

As promised...

2006-05-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a month since the last pics. Here's what the belly is looking like:

All About Nothing

2006-05-11T20:09:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling the need to blog.... but there just isn't a topic coming to mind. I feel I have nothing to say... other than a report of how things are going. Which is what this post will be... though I promise I'll work on coming up with something more exciting for in the near future.

I get home in the evening and I'm just too tired to think. Work has been very busy... which just wears me out. My energy level is definitely coming back this trimester... I just think I use it all up during the day, so by evening there's not much left.

Thankfully, I have the world's greatest husband. A few nights a week I cook dinner. But he cooks for me just as often. Then I rest. And somehow, the dishes miraculously get done. And the load of laundry I started amazingly is dried and folded when I wake from napping. And even though it can be dangerous for the hubby, given the hormonal state of things, he gives me the gentle reminders I need about taking my vitamins (especially that B6!) and watching what I eat. And a day doesn't go by that he doesn't rub my belly and tell the baby he loves it... usually right after telling me he loves me. Honestly, I really am convinced he is the best and that I am the luckiest woman on earth. I could go on and on... But I won't at the moment.

The belly is growing. Yesterday I told hubby it would probably be only a week or two and then I'll "lose my feet." If I stand centered now, I can just see the tips of my toes. Though... that has brought a comment (more than once) about how small my feet are to begin with and could I even see them before I was pregnant. Yes. Small feet. I shop in the children's section and most of my shoes are a 2 1/2 to 3. I wear the same size shoe as your average 8 year old. Sucks for finding heels... but is a damn good excuse for not wearing the stupid things. Never have liked them.

But anyways... I was talking about the growing belly. Finally got some maternity pants. Is very nice to have pants that actually fit again. It has been a few weeks. I think I'm finally starting to look pregnant to people... not just that I'm getting fat. Will take a belly shot this weekend and post for you all to see.

No puking episodes since that face exploding one of last week. Seeing that though, has me very nervous about actually pushing this baby out in a few months. Am convinced that force and strain might actually cause my face to really explode...... if it does all that just from the force of puking. Scary.

So all is good. Nothing terribly exciting happening in my little corner of the world. Just doing what it takes to grow a baby.

Lessons Learned

2006-05-05T20:28:00.000-04:00

Ever since I got pregnant, I've had a problem with tiny capillaries on my face breaking whenever I throw up. It took us some time to determine the cause of the break-outs.

The first time I noticed it, I had taken a nap in one of the empty classrooms at work, just before noticing them in the mirror when I went to the bathroom. The carpets had just been cleaned a day or two prior, so I assumed it was a reaction to the chemicals used for that. So, I avoided the carpet and in a few days, the spots had cleared.

But then they came back. And I hadn't been on the carpet. And hadn't, to my knowledge, exposed myself to anything new. And just like before, the tiny spots were confined just to my face... primarily along my jawline.

So I called my doctor's office and spoke with the nurse. She said she had never heard of anything like it, but as long as it didn't itch or bother me in any way, she didn't see why it would be a problem of any kind. My bloodwork had just come back fine... otherwise she might have worried about anemia, or a clotting issue. And again, in a couple days, every thing cleared up and my skin returned to normal.

And then it came back. And left. And then returned. And then somewhere in there, the hubby and I made the connection that it always appeared after I had been puking. We confirmed the theory after having no spots for a few days, and then noticing them immediately the next morning after a particularly bad round of puking the night before. Finally. We learned that puking causes lots of broken capillaries on my face. We knew the cause.

And in the last few weeks, with the puking at a very diminished state, the spots had disappeared without a trace. Thank goodness. My face once again looked healthy. Quite honestly, my skin has never been so good as it has since I've been pregnant. Until last night....

Yesterday we a pretty nauseous day. I woke up early feeling very crampy and yucky. The cramps went away within a few hours, but the nausea lingered on. Got worse after lunch. By dinner time, I was feeling so bad, just the thought of food made it worse. But, I also have learned that eating generally helps the nausea, so I forced down some food.

Felt a little better, so we ran a couple errands, came home, and I stretched out on the bed and watched some TV. A little before bedtime, I was feeling hungry and a bit nauseous, so munched on some dry cereal. And then it hit. The absolute worst bout of puking I have had in weeks. I had forgotten to take my B6 after dinner. And learned never, ever to forget it again.

For with the puking, came the immediate return of the broken capillaries. And this time, they are not confined to my jaw line. This time they are on my forehead, and nose, and under my eyes, and on my cheeks, and on my neck............ Never forget the B6 when dealing with morning/all day sickness.

Here's what it looks like... though it looks even worse in person:

Pregnancy, Part 2

2006-05-03T21:19:00.000-04:00

We did it! We have "officially" made it to the second trimester. Just saying it puts a smile on my face. And, oddly enough, brings a small sense of relaxation. Believe me, I know there is a long way to go and anything could still happen. But reaching this milestone is a big deal.

Odds of something going wrong at this point are dramatically lower. And I'm confident in not only this pregnancy, but also the additional monitoring I'll be getting over the next several months. I'll never completely relax about everything... at least I doubt I will. However, reaching this point, after seeing the baby twice and hearing its heartbeat, has me breathing a big sigh of relief. For the first time, it actually feels like my body is doing what it is supposed to... for a change. A welcomed change, that's for sure!

And it seems the pregnancy books aren't lying when they say you start feeling better around this time. I certainly do. It's been almost two weeks since my last bout of pregnancy puking. And the nausea gets better every day. I'm also not passed out by 9PM anymore, either. Although, that could be, in part, because of the new schedule I have at work. Though I do feel I'm not as tired during the day, either. I'm really starting to look pregnant, too. At least once a day, the hubby comments about my "pregnant belly." May not be totally obvious to those who don't know what's going on... but to those who do, it's becoming more and more clear. Pregnancy is starting to become... dare I say... enjoyable.

93 days down. Only 187 to go!

The Rest of the Story...

2006-04-29T18:23:00.000-04:00

Clearly, hearing the heartbeat was the highlight of yesterday's visit. But, I realized, some of you may be wondering how the rest of it went... or that I at least might want some sort of record of it for future reference... so here goes:

My weight is down by 1/2 pound. Nothing at all to worry about. But, clearly the morning sickness did take its toll. Thankfully, I've gone over one WHOLE WEEK without any puking... so I'm sure the weight gain is on its way.
We discussed the specialists recommendations. My doctor is totally onboard with the bi-weekly ultrasounds. She originally was planning on sending me to his office for the first couple, and then the rest with her. But, we told her the peri had said we could do them all at her office and she was relieved. Said she was more comfortable with that since it would be the same tech doing the measurements on the same machine each time, so less room for confusion or error.
She did not agree with his recommendation for a renal ultrasound at this time. Did I even mention that after my visit with him? Evidently, when you have a uterine disorder, they like to check out your kidneys and such since they all develop at the same time. She feels the u/s wouldn't tell us any more than if I have one kidney or two, and that a CT scan after the baby is born would give us much more information and be the better way to go.
We got to listen to the baby's heartbeat.
Did the routine pap, cervix check, boob check, etc. for the first appointment. All looks good, and just had my annual pap in November, so no real concern there.
Scheduled the first of my many u/s to come. May 26th is the next appointment.
Doctor said as long as all is going well, she sees no reason why we can't still take our annual camping trip in July. Would be a good "get-away" before baby arrives.
She also said that, much to the hubby's dismay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my increased milk intake. Yes. I actually asked about it to get him off my back. I've always been a big milk drinker, averaging around 2 gallons a week. Since getting pg, however, I am now drinking 3 1/2 to 4 gallons a week. The hubby keeps harassing me that I'm drinking too much of the stuff and he's going to have to buy a cow.
Doc did point out that drinking so much (I get my daily water intake on top of all the milk) will make me have to pee more. And since the baby is already sitting on my sciatic nerve, I may want to keep that in mind since sitting on the toilet tends to put me in the worst pain with it.
Overall, we laughed and joked and had a good time and it was a very relaxed, laid-back appointment. Much better than my previous first OB visit experiences.
Oh yeah.... did I mention hearing the heartbeat?

So all is going well. I did forget a question or two, but can call the nurse about those on Monday. Mainly... can we have sex again? (something only the doc can answer) and also, can I color my hair??? It's driving me nuts. I've heard it goes both ways, so figure I'd check with my doc on it. But curious... did you/will you color while pg?

The Sweetest Sound...

2006-04-28T19:10:00.000-04:00

We heard the baby's heartbeat today. Amazing. And such a feeling of joy. And relief. Doctor had some troubles finding it since the placenta is on the front part of my uterus and doing a great job of hiding the baby right now. But, after a couple minutes of trying... there it was. Loud and clear and oh so beautiful.

I've been waiting for this day since the minute I found out I was pregnant. Now that it is here and we've experienced that moment... it is something I will never forget. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. Another milestone crossed. Two ultrasounds. Two times seeing that little heart beating away. Now, at 12 w 4 days, hearing that wonderful sound. Not "out of the woods" yet as there is still a lot of pregnancy left and I won't relax about it until this baby is in my arms (and don't mention all the worries that then come with motherhood. I know they are there... just not ready to hear about them yet). But... I am definitely feeling more relaxed and confident in this little Butterball. And believeing we will truly have something to be thankful for at Thanksgiving this year.

March of Dimes

2006-04-24T22:06:00.000-04:00

I'm certain most everyone out there knows about the March of Dimes. Great organization. Great cause. Seriously. If anyone out there needs help, it's those teeny, tiny preemies fighting for their lives.

The company I work for is a national supporter of M.O.D. Each center works all year long to educate our young children in the importance of helping others (and since in this case they are helping children, it is easier for them to relate) and to raise money for M.O.D. Bake sales, car washes, art fairs, raffles, etc. etc. etc. We do it all in an effort to help.

For so many of us as teachers, the cause is even more dear to our hearts. Personally, I can name off more than a handful of children I personally know who were born prematurely and benefited from the work of M.O.D. And that's without giving it any real thought. I've visited them in the NICU, and cared for them after their healthy hospital release and homecoming.

This year, I find an even stronger pull to support M.O.D., being at high risk for pre-term labor and potentially needing their life-saving research...... though I pray every day that my cervix stays put and we never find out first-hand what it is to have a NICU baby. The hubby and I proudly wear our M.O.D wristbands every day to show our support. We give what we can each year to my work fundraisers. And this year, as in years past, we will be participating in the WalkAmerica event in our city. Our center staff walks every year as a group, along with every other center in town. We have a walk at the center for the children to particpate in. But the WalkAmerica is for the teachers. Our show of support. And another way to lead by example for the children in our care.

Every year, our teachers are asked to raise a minimum of $50 towards M.O.D. A rather small amount. Especially when you consider the hubby and I will contribute about half of that amount on our own. So... I'm not asking for a lot of help. But if you are interested and willing in supporting me in my efforts, and in supporting the greater cause of helping to fight prematurity with the March of Dimes, I'm all for it. And I don't think anyone at work would complain if I turned in a check for more than $50. Email me and I will get an address to you that you can send your donation to... be it $5 or $50. And thanks for your help in supporting a great cause!

I'm Wierd...

2006-04-22T19:19:00.000-04:00

Evidently, I have been tagged again, thanks to Carrie (didn't she tag me last time, too?), for 6 wierd things about me. It's pretty sad that my hubby notices these things before I do. Well... maybe that's actually good since it means he not only reads my blog, but the comments you all leave on it, too.

Anyways, here is how this one goes.

Rules
1. Go write weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!
2. Then leave a comment that says ‘You are tagged’ in their comments telling them to read your blog.

6 Wierd Things About Me

1. If I don't include this one, my husband is likely to call me out on it, so let's just start with it, shall we? I absolutely can not stand it if the covers on the bed are messed up at all when I am in it. No shifting of them off to one side. No getting all wrinkled. Nothing. The bed is perfectly made before I get in it, and the covers don't move all night. My dad used to laugh at me when I was a kid because I could sleep in a bed all night long and it would look like it hadn't been touched. If I get up in the middle of the night, I straighten the covers back up before getting back into bed. Not such a big deal... until I got married to a guy who wraps up in the covers, throws them every which way, and drives me nuts with it.

2. We have a pet snake. And I am fascinated with watching him eat. We feed him baby mice (bred solely for the purpose of being feed for other animals). And as much as I don't really like snakes, when we feed him, I will sit and watch forever until he lunges and grabs the thing in is jaws. Then he wraps his body around it to suffocate it, and swallows it down whole. It is totally disgusting. And completly fascinating. And I love watching it.

3. I have a fear of being home alone at night. I'm not sure why.... but sometimes I wonder if it's from the days of being a "latch-key kid" at a rather young age, and all the fears that were instilled in me then for my safety. I just think I never completely got over them. Even in the years I lived alone. It's better now though... we have a dog who barks at the wind... and though the barking sometimes gets annoying, it makes me feel safer when the hubby isn't around.

4. Something that has been very important lately... I can not puke in a dirty toilet. I can be running a fever of 102 with a bad stomach flu, and I will stop to scrub the toilet before I puke in it if it isn't already clean. I'll use a bucket or empty trash can if needed, and then scrub the toilet for the next round. Makes puking in public restrooms very difficult. But, with all the morning sickness lately... our toilets have never been cleaner.

5. I am very picky about the temperature and texture of my food. I don't eat mushrooms becuase I don't like the texture of them. I love macaroni and cheese, but the second it starts to cool off too much, I stop eating it because the texture changes. If it is supposed to be served hot, it needs to be steaming. And cold things should be near icy. Otherwise, they won't make it past my lips. Because of this, I also never eat leftovers... except for chili. The texture changes way too much when you reheat things.

6. I can not sleep in total silence. Blame it on being a city girl. A fan runs at night in our bedroom all year long. I even have a fan I take camping with me because I need the noise to sleep. And a separate fan for when we travel and aren't sleeping in our tent, but in an actual room. Never mind the sounds of nature. I have to have the fan.

And now that I've finished that, I'm tagging (and it's only 5, because that's all I have that I know read me regularly... except Carrie... and she started it):
Ladybug Ann
Prop Your Hips
Ornery
POW
Dream Mommy

Falcons & Ducks

2006-04-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

Today seems to be the day for bird-watching. All week we've been watching the "Falcon Cam" waiting for the babies to hatch. So far, three of the four eggs have given us fuzzy little babies. There is much hope and anticpation that egg #4 will also produce a chick, and if it is going to, it should be at any time. So, we've been checking regularly throughout the day to see if there's any signs of another baby.

The peregrine falcons are a popular couple downtown. Both are banded and monitered by the DNR and various others. The nestbox is located atop one of the towers downtown and the camera is a wonderful feature. Every year, Kinney (the male) and his current bride, KathyQ, nest in the box and give us some wonderfully exciting shows. Of course, it's always most exciting once the eggs are laid and the chicks have hatched. With the unobtrusive eye of the camera, we get to watch them grow up and eventually leave the nest on their own. It's rather fun to check-in on them, as you never know what you're likely to see. Last night, I managed to tune in just as it was dinner time for the babes:

A rather fascinating sight to see. You should check it out for yourself sometime. You can find the cameras on the Falcon Blog. There's a link to the camera views, off to the right on the page. The camera shots update every 60 seconds, so while it isn't a true "real time," it is awfully close... and still very cool.

And as if the falcon watching wasn't enough bird-watching for one day, just a little while ago, we found a duck couple hanging out in our yard:

Mind you... I wouldn't normally find a pair of mallard ducks to be something to be excited about. But, you have to understand... these are in our yard. Our yard. I've only ever seen ducks around like this when there's also been a body of water nearby... a lake, a retention pond... something of that nature.

There is nothing like that near our house... so we have never, ever had ducks in our yard before. We live in an older neighborhood... and ours is surrounded by older neighborhoods... so retention ponds are nowhere to be found around here. And we're in the city... so no lakes. The closest thing I can think of is the river, a few miles up the road. Even so... ducks hanging out at our house is a first.

Guess What?? I'm Pregnant!

2006-04-20T20:00:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in all the computer change-over stuff, I neglected to record this somewhat funny moment. Okay. Okay. I thought it was hilarious and the look on the hubby's face was priceless. But, it very easily may have been a "been there" kind of moment and may not seem so funny to you. Nevertheless, I want to record it for my own memory.

Couple of weeks ago, the hubby started harrassing me that he couldn't believe I still had a pregnancy test or two lying around. Somehow, after peeing on a couple of sticks and then immediately being sent for what turned out to be a super high beta... the need to poas wasn't that great. But, he still found it bizarre that I would still have unused sticks in the house.

So... a few days later, when I got up from my afternoon nap to pee (probably for the 100th time), I pulled out one of the sticks and peed on it. Obviously, I am very pregnant. And with a healthy baby. Which means the hcg is quite high. No surprise, the test line came up very dark and very immediately. I NEVER thought in a million years I would be staring at a a pg test waiting for the 3 minutes to pass because it was taking nearly that long for the control line to show up next to the obvious test line. Evidently, being much pregnant makes for a dark, dark test line and not much left to make the control line. But, it did finally and faintly show up.

Sure that all looked good with the stick, I went out to the living room where hubby was watching TV. "Hey honey. Come here. I have a surprise for you," I say as I take his hand and lead him toward the bedroom. (and being he's a man, we can all guess where his thoughts likely turned) Then I go into the bathroom and come out with the stick, hand it to him, and loudly and cheerfully announce "I'm Pregnant!" Hehehehehehehehehehehe. I'm pretty sure the look on his face was a touch of amusement at my cute little joke, and a bigger touch of "my god I married a dork." I got a good laugh out of it though.