"It Only Takes Once?" HA!

Moving

2008-01-24T13:16:00.000-05:00

3 years of blogging here. Too much frustration. So, I've made the switch. Update your bookmarks and links! You can now join me here:
http://kitkatxyz.wordpress.com/

UPDATE: Should you check-in here and see changes to the look or layout, it's just me playing with some of the new features offered here. Still liking the other place better, so likely a permanent switch. But, before I move the kid's blog, I want to be certain.

My Day

2008-01-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

5:30 Wake-up. Get dressed. Brush teeth. Make tea. Eat breakfast. Check email. Pack school bag.
6:00 Get the kiddo up and nurse him.
6:10 Get puked on.
6:15 Change kid's clothes. Change my clothes. Brush his teeth.
6:25 Bundle up. Head to van.
6:30 Leave for school.
7:05 Arrive at school. Put things away.
7:15 Start school/work day.
7:45 Breakfast. Clean up applesauce kiddo spit at me when refusing to eat.
8:30 Routine diaper changes.
9:00 Extra diaper change for kid with runny poop.
9:15 Sit kids down for snack. Turn just in time to see one lean over chair and puke all over floor.
9:17 Clean up child. Clean up floor.
10:20 Puking child goes home.
11:15 Lunch.
11:30 Pooping child goes home.
11:45 Give my kid sponge bath, change his diaper and clothes after his runny poop.
12:00 Naptime. (Whew!)
2:30 Wake-up. Routine diaper changes.
3:23 Turn to see my son standing in puddle of runny poop, back and legs of jeans soaked.
3:25 Clean up the kiddo.
3:40 Clean poop off floor, play mats and carpet.
4:15 Leave for home.
5:15 SHOWER (much desired after all that)
5:45 Start load of laundry with all the puked on, pooped on clothes.
7:00 Leave for handbells.
9:00 Return from handbells to find little guy sound asleep on hubby's lap.
9:05 Take kid. Change diaper. Give antibiotic. Nurse back to sleep.
9:15 Lay him down. Immediately get puked on.
9:20 Hand kiddo to hubby. Change my clothes. Change his clothes. Move to rocking chair while hubby changes sheets.
9:40 Kiddo back asleep, this time on my lap. Say prayers he is asleep for the night and no more puking or pooping.
10:45 Post this blog entry. So far, so good. Head for bed.

Somehow, I knew when getting puked on first thing in the morning, I would be in for a rough day. We'll be spending tomorrow at home, in hopes that he gets over the stomach bug that has obviously affected his class.

I. Can't. Do. This.

2008-01-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

Okay. "Can't" is probably too strong of a word. Because I CAN do this. And I know that. I remind myself regularly that lots of women work and raise a family. But, as I sat last night, nursing the kiddo to sleep and crying because of how I had lost my temper and yelled at him while getting him ready for bed, "I Can't DO This" is exactly what was going through my mind. And it wasn't even a real "yell." I just raised my voice and spoke sternly. And he cried. And it was for him doing normal, toddler things. (squirming around while I was trying to get him into his pajamas)

I felt AWFUL for it. I should not be losing my temper with him over something so petty. No way. And it's only because I am SO FREAKING TIRED. Exhausted, really. Beyond that. 2 weeks of work. Chasing, lifting, entertaining, changing, and cleaning up after toddlers all day long. The kiddo is in my class, which is nice to be with him during the day. But, we get home and he finally has mommy all to himself so he is incredibly clingy and needy from the time we walk in the door until he is asleep. And on weekends, he's the same way. I can barely leave the room without him screaming. Something they say will get better, but I've been back to work for over a month and no change. Saturday and Sunday he nurses all day long while he's awake and asleep. Of course, "sleep" is a relative term. I'm up 4-6 (or more) times a night, every night, with him still wanting to nurse. And then we get up and do it all over again the next day.

The hubby has been wonderful-- he helps out with dinner, bathtime, getting our things together for the next day, and pretty much anything I need-- I would be even more lost if not for him. I would suck as a single-mom... don't know how they do it. Amazing! But, in my emotional, tear-filled state last night, all I could think about was how much the job thing is NOT working.

The job was supposed to make things better for our family-- more money coming in to get caught up on our bills and hopefully, get ahead. (We're SO far behind right now, I'm struggling to see an end in sight.) Over 1/2 my paycheck goes to daycare and gas. And it is abosolutely not fair to my kid that his mommy has no energy or patience for him because she's too worn out from taking care of other people's kids all day. So, I'm struggling to see how this is "better."

I know night-weaning seems like the obvious answer. But, neither he nor I is ready for that. He is a horrible eater still. Improving since starting school, but still has a way to go. He has food sensitivities-- one being dairy-- so I can't just give him milk in a cup instead of the b*oob. He's already a peanut and starting to fall on the growth charts. He needs those calories. It isn't comfort nursing he's doing at night... he's tanking up. He still needs it. And it isn't fair of me to force him to give it up because we decided I should go back to work and now am running out of steam. Add to that, he's been sick from the first day we walked in the door. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if he weren't still nursing.

I don't know what the answer is. Or if there is an answer. I just know that what we're doing right now isn't working. For the kiddo or for me.

While you wait...

2008-01-16T15:02:00.000-05:00

Second full week at work. Second ear infection in the little guy. Actually, they think the first one just didn't fully clear up. So, second round of antibiotics. And second round of hourly night wakings. And crabby, cranky, fussy baby that won't let me have 2 seconds of peace.

So, while you wait for me to find some time to write a real post. Share with me. What's the worst gift you got for the holidays??? C'mon. You know there was something you didn't like. Now's your chance. If not this year, then pick from a previous gift. Vent about your dh/mil/bf's bad taste. You're safe here. Your family doesn't read my blog. Vent away.

Should I start? This year... it was a placemat/napkin set made by my MIL. Nice gift. Love the placemats she makes. But, she used fabric that was given to her by MY mom. That, of course, my mom had offered to me first and I had turned down because I thought it was rather ugly and totally not in my taste. *SIGH* But, hey. She tried. And they ARE better than the matching fleece vests she made for the hubby and I last year. Which, btw, have never been off the top shelf of the closet.

Okay. Your turn. Get it off your chest.

Happy New Year & Such

2008-01-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

Let's see. Today is the 7th. Almost the 8th. And I'd said one thing I wanted to do this year was post more regularly on this blog. Hmmm...... not looking good for me so far, is it?

I returned to work in December, part time, and this week is my first full time week. It's a crazy long story I don't have time to go into now. But, I am back in child care. And little man is currently in my classroom, so I still get to spend my days with him.

He was diagnosed with pneumonia just a few days before Christmas. Viral, thankfully, and by the time we figured out what was causing the fever, he was nearing the end of it and was better by the holiday. Last Friday, he spiked yet another fever and found he has an ear infection. It's only been a few weeks and I already hate the daycare germs!

With all the sickies, sleep has been horrible, at best. Some nights he is literally up every. single. hour. It never bothered me when I was home with him. I just slept in with him and napped when he napped. Now that I'm getting up at 5:45, getting us both ready and out the door, working all day chasing 5 toddlers around, and doing it all on choppy sleep. Ugh. I'm beat! And it's only Monday.

So, that's the quick rundown. Time is limited. With luck, he'll get back to better sleep soon and I'll get more than 5 minutes on here before my tired ass is crawling into bed, dreading the first waking. And hating the early morning alarm.

He Turned One...

2007-12-04T08:10:00.000-05:00

Yes. My little man is one year old now! So, hard to believe. And also the reason I've been away for yet another month. What, with getting things all together and organized for his party, which was quickly followed by Thanksgiving and the holiday season kick-off. It's been busy, busy!

The little man is all toddler. He's running and climbing and into everything. My mornings start with a grin and a "hi-eeeee" ("hi" is always said with a drawn-out E on the end of it) when he sees me. So cute! And always puts a smile on my face. We are also greeted with that sweet, sing-songy "hi-eeeeee" anytime he sees us after leaving the room, and when he comes up to you and greets you with it because he wants something from you.

Just the other night, he told us "no" (Doe!) when we were telling him to do something he didn't want to do. (sit down in his rocking chair) Until that point, "Doe!" had been reserved for shouting at the dog when she barks.

He's finally starting to eat some table food. Mostly crackers and toast. But, it's a start.

Still nursing several times a day and at night. Someday, I'll get to sleep again.

He's full of personality and smiles and always makes us laugh. He loves to push his cars around and make a "vroom" sound. His favorite game is "whoa, whoa, whoa"--- which is us holding his hands and rocking back and forth while singing "Row Your Boat." He likes playing chase with the dog. And pushing buttons on the tv. He chatters all day long, takes one nap in the afternoon, and chatters non-stop until bedtime.

I still have a hard time believing he is one year old, now. And a hard time believing I've been a mommy for that long. It's been an incredible year and not a day goes by that I don't count my biggest blessing... my little guy... and give thanks for all he has brought to our lives. My little miracle. And the light of my life.

Ummmm....

2007-10-30T08:14:00.000-04:00

Really? It's been a month since that last post? How did that happen? I swear I wrote that just a week ago!

Things are busy. Going and doing. Getting ready for Halloween. And cleaning and preparing for the kiddo's first birthday. I can't believe he turns one in just a couple of weeks! The year has gone too fast.

Thanks for the tips/reassurance on the food post. He's regularly eating 3 meals a day now. Still all purees. I make all his food, but finally caved and bought some Stage 3 jars. I'm hoping the extra texture in those will help him make the transition. I've tried leaving the food I make more textured when I puree it... but he's wanted nothing to do with it. So far, he's eating the jarred stuff without gagging... which is a good start. And yesterday, I gave him a piece of toast and he actually ate a couple bites of it. Slow progress.... but progress, none the less!

I often sit down at the computer with the intention of writing a post. Check my email. Check the groups. And by that time, the kid is hanging on my leg, and either a) shoving the keyboard tray back under the desk and away from my hands so I'll pay attention to him. or b) SCREAMING because he wants to play with the keyboard and I won't let him. Either way, it makes if nearly impossible to write. And, since he doesn't sleep worth a darn, I don't get much writing time then, either. The short time he sleeps in his bed and I do get free time, I'm usually trying to get caught up on a million and twelve things.

Stick with me. He's bound to get over this phase and learn to sleep and cooperate to give me a few minutes of time. Someday.......................

Food Troubles

2007-09-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

Well... this isn't the post I was alluding to in my prior one. But, this is a topic of more concern for me at the moment, so let me put it out there and get your advice.

My little man is 10 1/2 months old now. (hard to believe, isn't it?) At his 9 month dr. visit, the doc said we definitely needed to be up to 3 meals a day (we were doing 2 at the time) and that we should be moving to table food. Something I pretty much knew already. Problem is...........

He. Won't. Eat.

I do good to get the 2 bowls of food in him a day. I've tried working a third meal in at different times in his day, but no matter where I put it, he won't eat it. I've tried adding an earlier meal... somewhere between 8:30 & 9:30 when he first wakes up. But, he doesn't want to eat when he first wakes. He snuggles and nurses and plays a bit and then I can FINALLY get him to take food between 10 & 10:30. Which makes noon too soon for lunch.

He goes down for his nap around 1 most days... depending on when he wakes.

He eats dinner at 7, when the hubby & I sit down to eat. So... logic says, put the next meal somewhere in the middle of things.

I'e tried before nap. I've tried after nap. He just won't eat it. He much prefers to just nurse.

I know breastmilk is best for him, and all he really needs the first year. But by now, shouldn't he be eating more? I know at the daycare, our toddlers were fed a meal or snack (they alternated) every 2 hours because their little bodies need the calories since they're so busy. And he's much closer to toddler than baby these days, so I worry.

Add to that, the texture thing. I make all his food. And it is all pureed smooth. We try giving him bits of things: cheerios, cooked veggies, etc. He picks them up..... and tosses them right to the floor. Stuff doesn't even get close to his mouth. He won't even try. And we've even offered french fries when we're out, hoping that might do it... but, no. Right to the floor it goes. He does NOT like texture.

Last night, I started feeding him dinner. Carrots. And apple chicken. Both things he's had before and liked. Chicken wasn't quite as smooth as usual. He had 1 bite, gagged, started signing "all done" and refused to eat another bit of anything. Typical for him. And sometimes the "no-eat-after-gagging-on-texture" refusal lasts a couple of days before he'll finally eat again.

But. Nothing small goes to his mouth. If he's playing and fights a scrap of paper or something, he reaches out his hand to give it to me. I've never had to do a finger sweep to get something out of his mouth that he shouldn't have. He just doesn't chew stuff like that. He has a couple of toys (and the foam table guards!) that he'll mouth, and that's it.

So... what to do? The educator inside, reminds me that all kids are different and he'll eat bigger amounts and more texture when he's ready. But, the mommy worries.

Ours will be the kid whose first birthday photos are not of him covered in cake... but of him nice and neat, eating a bowl of oatmeal.

Anyone Out There?

2007-09-24T12:07:00.000-04:00

Is anyone even still out there, checking up on my slacker blog posting? Have a post brewing. Need your advice/opinions/stories. Just wondering if you've all given up on me and if there is anyone left to get advice from.

Stay tuned...

He Has 6 Teeth...

2007-08-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

... and Yes! He's STILL NURSING!!! [shock!] [gasp!] [horror!]

NO! I don't have a problem with it. Obviously. But... 2 weeks camping with my mother-in-law, being home for 2 weeks getting unpacked and settled back into a routine... and I swear if I hear that comment from her one more time, I just might have to scream!

For 4+ weeks now... since the kiddo got all his top teeth in at once... my mil makes comment about me still nursing him, at every chance she gets. Standing around at a shop and someone talking to the kiddo says something to the effect of "Look at all those teeth you have." MIL pipes in with "Yes. And she's still nursing!" As if it is any of their concern or business what I am doing with my b*oobs.

Mind you... I'm not at all private about that. I am very much a public nurser. Church. Restaurants. Mall. Walking through the store. Zoo. You name it. I am not at all concerned with "whipping it out" and feeding my kid. And we don't use a cover up or blanket... so it's all out there for viewing. I tried several times with a cover. But he just grabs it and pulls it off because he doesn't like his face covered... so I gave up. Public nursing it is.

But, when we're nursing in public, that's MY call. I get to say how it goes and who gets to know about it. (You'd be surprised at how discreet we can be nursing in the carrier. Most people have no clue what's going on.) It is NOT for her to say who gets to hear about what I do with my b*reasts.

And it's not like she is proud of the fact that I'm still nursing him. Her tone does NOT come across that way at all. More like I'm some weirdo. She usually follows the announcement with a story about how she nursed both her boys til they were around 6 months and then when they started getting teeth decided she'd "had enough of that" and weaned them. Like her way is the way it should be. (2 weeks camping. Got a lot of that. "I did it this way with my boys and they turned out just fine").

Good for her. But, that doesn't work for us. We are going strong, with no intention of stopping anytime soon.

And I don't fully understand WHY it is such a big deal to her. Sister-in-law nursed the nephew until he was a year old. Granted, she weaned him practically the day he turned one. But... he had teeth and nursed til then and nothing was ever said about it. So, I'm not sure why it's a big deal for me to be doing it. I can only imagine the comments that will come when I don't wean him at one and tell her I plan on going until he's at least 2.

********************

Saw a very close friend a few days ago. Hadn't seen her in a while, so she hadn't seen the kiddo with all his teeth. Asked me if I was still nursing. Yes. Asked "but doesn't that hurt?" So... I gave her this analogy: "You have a mouth full of teeth. Does it hurt when you give a guy a bl*ow job?" We both laughed. But, then she understood... having never nursed a baby. Teeth don't matter.

Maybe if MIL continues... I'll use that analogy with her.

Busy-ness

2007-07-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

Summer has been busy. The kiddo gets more and more annoyed spending time back here, so I get less and less computer time. He much prefers being in the living room where he can crawl and pull up and cruise and play with his toys and get into everything he isn't supposed to.

He's growing like crazy. 8 months old now. Cut 3 teeth last week. Already had 2. Desperately wants to walk... but can't seem to figure out in order to do so, he needs to stop trying to jump all the time. (still loves his jumperoo)

Bought a new minivan. 07 Honda Odyssey. Love love love my mommy-mobile!

Leave for our annual camping trip on Saturday. Have been busy getting ready for that, and will be even busier this week with everything.

So, that's where I've disappeared to. And why I'll continue to be gone for a while.

Oh... and, I'm eagerly awaiting...

She'd be 2

2007-06-09T08:21:00.000-04:00

Well... 2 1/2 really, since she was due in January. Erin would be 2 1/2.

It was 3 years ago today, that we stared at the ultrasound screen and no longer saw a beating little heart. We cried, scheduled the D&C, and our lives were forever changed.

I feel bad that I didn't remember. It is only because one of the bulletin board groups I post with mentioned it....... and then I had to go look up the actual date. As it is, I still feel bad that in my "mom of newborn" sleep deprived haze, I didn't remember her due date back in January. This date took a nudging, but it is remembered.... both with a sense of sadness.... and a sense of accomplishment.

Not to say that Erin is forgotten. Sure, the dates may not be marked on my calendar as reminders of when the actual events took place. But, she is not forgotten. I still think of her often. Wonder what it would be like to have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, instead of an almost 7 month old little boy. How different our lives would be. Yes, there's that whole "if you'd had her you wouldn't have him" thing. Which is true. And I love my son more than anything and am so very, very blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

But that doesn't mean I love her less. She was our first child. People on earth may not realize or acknowledge that. But, Heaven knows. And I know she is up there, looking down on us and watching over her little brother.... even now as he sleeps. He is lucky to have such a special guardian angel.

And it doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish things had worked differently with her. That I hadn't had to endure the D&C and the depression that followed. The surgery and procedures. The drugs and shots. The trying and failing. Over. and over. and over.

Then I look at him. With his smile that lights up the room. And his laugh that melts my heart. And I know. I know that losing Erin had to happen. It brought the hubby and I closer as a couple and made us stronger. It has helped me to savor each and every moment of life with the kiddo. It gave us the baby we were meant to raise.

Is it sad..... or even wrong..... to say that losing Erin had to happen? Maybe. But I don't think so. I think it was something beyond our control. It was God's plan. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I think of her and miss her often. Yes, it seemed so horribly unfair at the time. But... three years later.... as I look at her ultrasound, still sitting on the shelf in our living room... and then look down at the baby boy sleeping in my arms.... I realize things are exactly as they should be.

Another... Part 2

2007-06-08T08:07:00.000-04:00

It seems our decision to only have 1 child has bothered some people. Some have been brave and left their concerns in the comment section. Others have only mentioned it to me in person or through email.

Thank you. I appreciate all of it. I really do. And I guess I should have made it more clear that our decision is not "set in stone." As with all things... we are free to change our minds at some point in the future. But that is the decision that is best, and "right" for us at this time.

And really... let's look at the most common arguments I'm given as to WHY we should reconsider our decision. I hear 2 the most often...

"I've never met an 'only' who didn't wish they had a sibling."
Maybe. Probably. But when you asked them... did you ask an only child who wanted a playmate, or an adult? And if you asked an adult... what were their reasons? Because it would have been nice to have a friend growing up? Because they always thought it would be neat to have a brother or sister? Or are they lonely into adulthood? Is their wish to have a sibling a carryover from the past... or is it current and strong in the present and looking to the future? Is there something they feel is missing in their adult lives that could only be filled by a sibling? For that matter.... how do they know a sibling would fill it... having never had one to know what the experience is like? Not to mention....... I know plenty of adults who have very "strained" relationships with their siblings... some to the point of wishing they were an 'only'....... so it can go both ways.

and the other I hear the most...

"What about when you're gone? Do you want him to be alone?"
Of course I don't. But, I would like to think that as parents... we'll raise him so he wouldn't have to be. To be a warm, friendly adult with friends and family of his own. Maybe he'll get married. Maybe he won't. That choice will be up to him. But, not having a sibling does not banish him to a lifetime of loneliness. He already has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. And a church family. And friends. Why does the loss of his parents mean he would suddenly be alone? I don't think that it does.

Believe me. I've thought about these things hundreds of times. And all the "what ifs" you can muster. Want to know the truth? Part of me is afraid to have another. There. I said it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of having a girl. (don't want one... at all!) I'm afraid of going through another miscarriage. I'm afraid of what it would do to us financially. I'm afraid of how a second child would take time from the first.

Fear aside. There is no one, right answer. You just have to weigh the good, the bad and the ugly and come up with the choice that fits best. Right now... for us... that is to have one child.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T18:14:00.001-04:00

My what a differece a few years can make..................

Three years ago, on Mother's Day, I got my first positive pregnancy test. Our honeymoon baby, Erin. We were thrilled and shared the wonderful news with our families at lunch later that day. A few weeks later, the heartbeat we had previously seen beating was gone and I had a D&C. And then spiraled into the darkness and depression and despair that followed.

Two years ago, on Mother's Day, I was angry and bitter. Sad over what I should have had. Hurt because I didn't have it. Frustrated that in all of our trying, I still wasn't even pregnant again. Longing so desperately to have a child of my own.

One year ago, on Mother's Day, I was happy and pregnant. I had just entered the second trimester and the morning sickness was coming to an end. I was finally starting to relax about being pregnant and to believe I really might be a mommy after all was said and done. But still felt sadness at what I had lost, and knowing I had so many friends also feeling especially sad on that day.

This year, on Mother's Day, I sit and hold my beautiful little boy. 6 months old, yesterday. As a celebration of how our lives and my Mother's Days have come full circle, my little man was baptised this morning. I could think of no better day to celebrate all that he is and will hopefully one day become. No better day to say "I finally made it!" And no better way to turn what has been a sad, hurtful day, into one that will now be celebrated with beautiful memories.

Many of my IF blogging friends found mommyhood this past year. A glorious gift I know none of us would ever think of giving up... even through the sleepless nights and tantrums. Hug your little ones tightly and always remember what a special blessing they are.

But, I know just as many out there sit feeling hopeless and lost on this day. Sad to have had the possibility of a baby taken away from them with a miscarriage or stillbirth or child death. For some of you, the world may not know that you were ever a mommy, but remember that you are, and cherish the times you did have.

And, I know many are still trying. Hoping. Longing. Wanting. Day after day. Cycle after cycle. The want to have a child of your own runs deep. Each failed cycle brings with it the feeling of loss. The celebration of motherhood stings and brings sadness, wondering if your wish will ever be fulfilled. Hang onto that desire.

Mother's Day is many different things to many different people. It seems it all depends on your perspective on the day. And where you are in your journey. Each place along the infertility road finds a mother of one kind or another. A woman who is strong and loving and determined.

Whether you hold your child in your arms, in your heart, or in your dreams, may you find peace and love on this day. A day for Mommy's of all kinds.

Three Years

2007-04-24T07:52:00.000-04:00

To My Hubby...

Can you believe it was three years ago today? My how time has flown. Let's see. What was year number three like for us?

It started near the end of the first trimester of pregnancy.
Morning sickness
Fatigue
Morning sickness
Hearing baby's heartbeat for the first time
Learning we would be having a boy
Weight gain
Mood swings
Camping at 6+ months pg
Stretch marks
Modified bed rest
Labor
Emergency c-section
23 weeks of being parents...

By far, the best year we've had to date. You were by my side through the worst time in my life. And this year, we celebrated the best time in our lives. You brought me water, even when the sound of my puking was making you sick yourself. You change poopy diapers, even though the smell makes you gag. You've fixed countless dinners and adjusted pillows to the point there was barely enough space in bed for you. And when the kiddo left his bassinet, you never even blinked at me leaving our bed to share the futon with him. I know in this last year I haven't always been so good at expressing it... but do know that I love you so very, very much.

On that day 3 years ago, I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I did on that special day. But now, when I see you with our son, like the times when you're explaining the "ways of the world" to him as only a daddy can do, I wonder how my chest can possibly hold my heart it has grown so big. This journey has been a wild one, and I would never have come this far if it weren't for you. There's no one I'd rather be traveling this road with. I only hope, like this third year, the rest of it stays smooth.

I Love You!!!

Crunchiness

2007-04-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

Yes. Another not-forgotten post from my list. And, since today is Earth Day... it seemed like the perfect time to finally find a few minutes to write it.

I would assume most of you have heard to the term "crunchy" when referring to lifestyle. It's used regularly on the internet bulletin boards I frequent so surely I'm not the only one aware of it. For those who don't know, "crunchy" refers to what some would stereotype as the tree hugging, granola eating hippie crowd. Granted, none of the crunchy people I know are actually like that, but you get the idea. As it turns out, as a parent I'm fairly crunchy. Not a true, all crunch granola. More of a trailmix--- some granola crunch, but still some soft and chewy dried fruits mixed in. And I'm finding more and more ways to be crunchier. And I feel good about it.

We practice "attachment" or "natural" parenting. I breastfeed. We both babywear. We cosleep. We never leave the kiddo to cry. All parts of being AP. What I didn't realize though, is that doing this would lead to more ways to be crunchy and leave me ever looking for more we can do.

Maybe it just comes with being a parent. Why wouldn't I want to do what I can to protect the earth? The environment? The very place my child has to grow up in and one day live in on his own. He deserves a clean, healthy environment. As do his children. And their children.

In the past several months, I've learned that being crunchy really doesn't take any more time or effort. Interestingly enough, many of the things we're currently doing or have a plan to implement not only are helping to save the environment, but they're also saving us money. So, in honor of Earth Day, here are some of the things we're already doing. And a few, simple things we plan to start doing. If you aren't already, consider working one or two of these things into your life. Every little bit helps!

~ We cloth diaper and use cloth wipes. Something that will save about a ton of landfill waste by the time the kiddo potty learns. And will save us an estimated $1200 over that time as well. (and because I can't resist, a picture of our environmentally friendly diaper stash:)

~ I breastfeed. No formula cans going into the trash. (ok. so that's not something anyone can do, or may choose to do. And certainly not a decision to make simply based on the environmental aspect. But, let's face it. Helping the environment is another benefit of it)

~ We got rid of all chemical cleaning products. I clean with vinegar and baking soda. The two toughest things to clean in our house are the textured surface of the bathtub and the ceramic top on the stove. Since I made the switch, these two items sparkle like they never have before! The kiddo can be in the room with me while I clean and I don't have to worry about the fumes he's breathing in. And, since he's becoming more and more mobile, I don't have to worry about him getting into and ingesting a potentially deadly household cleaner. It's much easier on my asthma, too.

~ We only run the dishwasher when it is full. And only run it overnight.

~ The hubby rides his bicycle to work about 8 months of the year. The other 4 months he rides the bus (cold and snow).

~ Turn of lights when not in the room. I still struggle with this one sometimes, but I'm getting better!

~ We get paper sacks at the grocery store checkout and then donate them to the soup kitchen at our church.

And some things we're working on implementing:
~ Switch to energy efficient light bulbs, as ours burn out and we have to buy more.
~ Skip the plastic bag at the checkout. Take our own cloth bags to use. The plastic ones we do have, we save and donate to the daycare I worked at so they are at least getting reused.
~ Recycle. I think we can pay to have it picked up with our regular trash. If not, since I'm home now, I just can't find an excuse to continue to not do it.
~ Use more cloth around the house, for cleaning, etc., rather than always reaching for the paper towels.
~ Do full loads of laundry in cold water. Well, except for the diapers. Those will always be washed on hot.
~ Did you see the "Go Green" episode of Oprah this week? According to that, if we all use just one less napkin a day, we can keep a billion pounds of waste out of the landfills each year.

Use one less napkin and change a light bulb. See. It really isn't that hard. Join me. How "crunchy" are you? Do feel free to share your ideas.

Happy Easter!!!

2007-04-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

Another?

2007-04-05T08:27:00.000-04:00

I'm betting you all think I forgot about my list... don't you? I still find it funny, that of the few who commented on that post, Another? is the one you most wanted to hear. Personally, I thought it was the most boring title and obvious of topics. Yet... it also seems to be the hardest for me to blog about. But... it's time.

Yes, "Another" is in reference to another baby. Even when I was pregnant, I was getting asked the question "When are you going to have another?" I laughed at it then. However... now the answer is "We aren't."

When I was growing up, I always wanted 4 kids. There were three in my family. My two brothers and me. I was always "odd man out" when we'd go places or do things. "The boys" were best buds, always had a playmate, closer in age. It was the natural pairing. And of course, my parents were a couple. Which just left me. So, when I said I wanted more than two kids, 4 seemed like the natural option because I refused to have 3 and always have one feel left out, like I did.

But... then my 20's came and went without even discussing marriage... let alone kids. 4 started to seem like too many. I wouldn't be starting until later in life. And, I started realizing just how expensive a kid can be. So, then the number became 2. Yes, 2 kids would be just perfect.

And then my 30's came. I didn't get married until I was 31 (turned 32 a few months later). We wanted kids and started trying right away. And then came miscarriage. And infertility. And surgery. And drugs. And then we got lucky.

I'll be 35 this year. The son will turn 1 a few months later. The hubby and I have discussed it many, many times and each time we come to the same conclusion: Andrew will likely be an only child. I just don't know that I can go through it all again. I just did the "high-risk" pregnancy thing. Another pregnancy will put me in the high risk category again... simply because of my age. I don't know that I have the energy for that.

If we were to have another, I would want them spaced out. My doctor already told me that because of my history and then having a c-section, I shouldn't even CONSIDER getting pregnant until the kiddo is a year old. Honestly, at his point, I can't imagine being pregnant again so soon. Nor, would I want to be. I want time to spend with this child. To be able to devote my time and attention to him in these early years that are so important. I wouldn't want another until this one is closer to school-age. Then, I'd be able to have time and attention to devote to a new baby as well. The hubby feels the same way. I know, I know........... LOTS of people have kids only a couple years apart. Perfectly fine for them (and you, if that should be the case).... but it isn't for US.

So, that puts me closer to 40 before having another baby? Again, I know lots of people do it. But, it isn't for me. I don't WANT to be having another baby at 40. (and, by the way, when did 40 suddenly get to be so close?) Not to mention.... that whole miscarriage and infertility thing. Who KNOWS how long it would even take us to get pg again? So what does that mean? Start trying early, in case it takes a while, and then end up with the kids closer together than we'd like?

And a miscarriage. UGH. I can't do that again. The last one nearly destroyed me... sending me into a darkness and depression like I have never known. Having a baby now, I am even more aware of what I would be missing out on if I miscarried again. I don't think I have it in me emotionally to go through that again. Nor, to explain to Andrew that no he isn't getting a baby brother or sister and why is mommy so sad. Yikes.

Not to mention, the financial aspects. We are barely getting by for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have it any other way and the sacrifices are worth it. But it is very hard. And if we had another, I would want to be home with him/her also. Barely getting by + another mouth to feed = doesn't make much sense. It wouldn't be practical or wise. Could we make it work if we had to? Sure. I'm sure we could. But, why would we? I'm of the mindset that if you're going to have a baby, you should be able to care for and provide for that child. We could do it. But it would be even tighter. I don't want my kids to have to do without, or to miss out on things that we can't afford, simply because I feel the need to have a bigger family. Seems rather selfish to me.

So, at this point, it is an only child for us. Which brings me to the reason this post is suddenly more appropriate.

Knowing our decision to have only one child, as he has been outgrowing things, they've gotten packed up to either sell or give away. I've kept a few things as mementos, but most of it is being moved on. All but one of his small sized diapers has been sold off to buy the next size up. His clothes are boxed up, waiting for me to find them a new, loving home. And yesterday, we sold his infant carrier and bassinet. And, as I was getting them together for the couple to pick up last night, I started crying.

I couldn't seem to help it. Getting rid of the baby things made me sad. Sad that my baby is growing so fast. No longer a newborn needing newborn things. Still a baby, yes. But not a tiny, little newborn anymore.

And sad that it made our decision to not have another baby seem all that much more real and permanent. I like the idea of a second child. Of my little man having a sibling to grow up with. It's always been my dream. But, not having another child is the right choice for us. And the one that makes sense. It is the logical, practical, smart choice for our family. It just doesn't take care of the emotional side. And it is the emotional side, which hasn't quite caught up with the practical side, that would still like another.

Checking in...

2007-03-26T20:37:00.000-04:00

My friends, I haven't forgotten you. I had every intention of blogging this evening... but seem to have some tummy bug. The babe hasn't been sleeping well for over a week now, so I'm already exhausted... and tonight my stomach is a mess and I feel like crap. Is there a reason they'll go weeks at a time, sleeping wonderfully, and then suddenly STOP sleeping well? I thought teething... but Tylenol before bed hasn't helped. Hungry... so I tried offering more during the day. Growth spurt.... but the messed up sleep from those usually only lasts a couple days. Gas... but he's always had some issues with this and gets gas drops before bed every night. I'm really at a loss, and it's really starting to get to me.

Anyways... since I just don't have time for a full post, I thought I'd share my latest scrapbook page. I've discovered digital scrapbooking, and while my pages aren't near as spectacular as some I've seen, I'm really enjoying it when I have a free minute or two. Have a look... and I promise to get back to you soon.

St. Pat's

2007-03-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

One Year Ago

2007-03-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

The E.T. picture was just too cute not to share. But... This is the post that should have gone up on Friday.

One Year Ago, I woke up to this:

Now, every morning, I wake up to this:

How is it possible that in a year's time I've gone from just learning I was pregnant to having a sweet, smiley, almost 4 month old? Somehow, in those first few minutes of seeing the positive test and realizing I was, indeed, pregnant, I knew this.... THIS... would be the pregnancy that made it. And that we would have a healthy baby boy at the end of it. From day one, I knew all would be well and baby would be a boy. I always referred to baby as "him".... never "her" or "it." Because, I knew. There were still moments of worry and concern, but also an overal sense of peace and calm that meant baby was okay and we would one day be holding him.

And here we are. Where I now spend most of my day holding him. And loving him. And still staring at him in awe and amazement that he is here. And he is ours. And he is perfect.

Being a mommy is nothing like I imagined. And so much more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed of. It is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. And, for as hard as it ever is, it is even more rewarding. Certainly, people told me of how hard it would be. How tired I would feel. How exhausted I would become. But I had no idea to what extent that would all be true. There have been days that I look back and wonder how I ever made it through. I'm still shocked that my body really can function on such little sleep. There have been times when I've sat, holding my crying little boy, wanting nothing more than to calm him and get him to sleep, and crying myself that I can't seem to accomplish either. It has been mentally and physically exhausting.... though those sleepless nights are, for the most part, now behind us.

But then there are the times when he is nursing and falls asleep at my breast. Laying there so sweet and innocent and angelic looking. Or when he hears my voice and sees my face, his lights up with the biggest, toothless grin. Or when he naps on my chest, all snuggled up and warm. Or when you talk to him and he coos and laughs right back. Or listening to him when he first wakes up in the morning.... talking and cooing and laughing at nothing..... just the thought that he is a baby and he is happy and he is loved.... that, in his little world, mommy and daddy are here and that makes his world perfect.

One year ago, I had no idea what we were soon to be facing. And now, I can't imagine ever going back. Pregnancy was rough. The first few weeks with a newborn were even rougher. But, through it all, I feel I am so incredibly lucky.... and so very, very blessed. I only have to look at his beautiful, little face to be reminded of that.... and then, even the roughest of times, feel like the miracle they are.

E.T. Phone Home

2007-03-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

Those are only Build-a-Bear animals with him..... and only about HALF of the collection.

100 Days...

2007-02-20T11:22:00.001-05:00

... of watching you grow.
... of getting to know you.
... of seeing you move on the outside, instead of feeling you on the inside.
... of meals at Mom's Cafe. Open 24/7.
... of experiencing so many "firsts." First smile. First laugh. First time rolling over. And on and on.
... of enjoying your smile.
... of changing diapers. (nearly 1,000 at this point, give or take)
... of having fun at playtime.
... of sharing our families and pasttimes with you.
... of comforting your tears.
... of the greatest joy we have ever known.
... of never-ending happiness.
... of loving you.

From this:

To this:

... in 100 Days.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2007-02-14T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, his diaper says "Chick Magnet." The joys of cloth dipes! They're way too cute!!!

Blogiversary

2007-02-09T01:03:00.001-05:00

I find it hard to believe, but it was two years ago today that I started this little place in the blogosphere that I call my own. Even harder to believe is everything the last two years has brought me. Comparatively, my journey through infertility was short. Not quite two full years before a bfp in a successful pregnancy. And, in two more months, when we hit 3 years, our son will have just turned 5 months old.

Yet, the infertility still haunts. Still lingers. Still creeps into my mind each and every day. It is true when they say you never "get over it." You may have a baby, through birth or adoption, yet "infertile" is still an adjective very much in your vocabulary.

Two years of blogging. Two years of ups and downs and highs and lows. And you've all been there with me... supporting me through it all. So, on this blogiversary, I say Thank You. I could never have made it this far without you.

(Ironic that Blogger chose this log-in... today... to make me switch to their new format, too.)