I. Can't. Do. This.

Okay. "Can't" is probably too strong of a word. Because I CAN do this. And I know that. I remind myself regularly that lots of women work and raise a family. But, as I sat last night, nursing the kiddo to sleep and crying because of how I had lost my temper and yelled at him while getting him ready for bed, "I Can't DO This" is exactly what was going through my mind. And it wasn't even a real "yell." I just raised my voice and spoke sternly. And he cried. And it was for him doing normal, toddler things. (squirming around while I was trying to get him into his pajamas)

I felt AWFUL for it. I should not be losing my temper with him over something so petty. No way. And it's only because I am SO FREAKING TIRED. Exhausted, really. Beyond that. 2 weeks of work. Chasing, lifting, entertaining, changing, and cleaning up after toddlers all day long. The kiddo is in my class, which is nice to be with him during the day. But, we get home and he finally has mommy all to himself so he is incredibly clingy and needy from the time we walk in the door until he is asleep. And on weekends, he's the same way. I can barely leave the room without him screaming. Something they say will get better, but I've been back to work for over a month and no change. Saturday and Sunday he nurses all day long while he's awake and asleep. Of course, "sleep" is a relative term. I'm up 4-6 (or more) times a night, every night, with him still wanting to nurse. And then we get up and do it all over again the next day.

The hubby has been wonderful-- he helps out with dinner, bathtime, getting our things together for the next day, and pretty much anything I need-- I would be even more lost if not for him. I would suck as a single-mom... don't know how they do it. Amazing! But, in my emotional, tear-filled state last night, all I could think about was how much the job thing is NOT working.

The job was supposed to make things better for our family-- more money coming in to get caught up on our bills and hopefully, get ahead. (We're SO far behind right now, I'm struggling to see an end in sight.) Over 1/2 my paycheck goes to daycare and gas. And it is abosolutely not fair to my kid that his mommy has no energy or patience for him because she's too worn out from taking care of other people's kids all day. So, I'm struggling to see how this is "better."

I know night-weaning seems like the obvious answer. But, neither he nor I is ready for that. He is a horrible eater still. Improving since starting school, but still has a way to go. He has food sensitivities-- one being dairy-- so I can't just give him milk in a cup instead of the b*oob. He's already a peanut and starting to fall on the growth charts. He needs those calories. It isn't comfort nursing he's doing at night... he's tanking up. He still needs it. And it isn't fair of me to force him to give it up because we decided I should go back to work and now am running out of steam. Add to that, he's been sick from the first day we walked in the door. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if he weren't still nursing.

I don't know what the answer is. Or if there is an answer. I just know that what we're doing right now isn't working. For the kiddo or for me.