She'd be 2

Well... 2 1/2 really, since she was due in January. Erin would be 2 1/2.

It was 3 years ago today, that we stared at the ultrasound screen and no longer saw a beating little heart. We cried, scheduled the D&C, and our lives were forever changed.

I feel bad that I didn't remember. It is only because one of the bulletin board groups I post with mentioned it....... and then I had to go look up the actual date. As it is, I still feel bad that in my "mom of newborn" sleep deprived haze, I didn't remember her due date back in January. This date took a nudging, but it is remembered.... both with a sense of sadness.... and a sense of accomplishment.

Not to say that Erin is forgotten. Sure, the dates may not be marked on my calendar as reminders of when the actual events took place. But, she is not forgotten. I still think of her often. Wonder what it would be like to have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, instead of an almost 7 month old little boy. How different our lives would be. Yes, there's that whole "if you'd had her you wouldn't have him" thing. Which is true. And I love my son more than anything and am so very, very blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

But that doesn't mean I love her less. She was our first child. People on earth may not realize or acknowledge that. But, Heaven knows. And I know she is up there, looking down on us and watching over her little brother.... even now as he sleeps. He is lucky to have such a special guardian angel.

And it doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish things had worked differently with her. That I hadn't had to endure the D&C and the depression that followed. The surgery and procedures. The drugs and shots. The trying and failing. Over. and over. and over.

Then I look at him. With his smile that lights up the room. And his laugh that melts my heart. And I know. I know that losing Erin had to happen. It brought the hubby and I closer as a couple and made us stronger. It has helped me to savor each and every moment of life with the kiddo. It gave us the baby we were meant to raise.

Is it sad..... or even wrong..... to say that losing Erin had to happen? Maybe. But I don't think so. I think it was something beyond our control. It was God's plan. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I think of her and miss her often. Yes, it seemed so horribly unfair at the time. But... three years later.... as I look at her ultrasound, still sitting on the shelf in our living room... and then look down at the baby boy sleeping in my arms.... I realize things are exactly as they should be.

Another... Part 2

It seems our decision to only have 1 child has bothered some people. Some have been brave and left their concerns in the comment section. Others have only mentioned it to me in person or through email.

Thank you. I appreciate all of it. I really do. And I guess I should have made it more clear that our decision is not "set in stone." As with all things... we are free to change our minds at some point in the future. But that is the decision that is best, and "right" for us at this time.

And really... let's look at the most common arguments I'm given as to WHY we should reconsider our decision. I hear 2 the most often...

"I've never met an 'only' who didn't wish they had a sibling."
Maybe. Probably. But when you asked them... did you ask an only child who wanted a playmate, or an adult? And if you asked an adult... what were their reasons? Because it would have been nice to have a friend growing up? Because they always thought it would be neat to have a brother or sister? Or are they lonely into adulthood? Is their wish to have a sibling a carryover from the past... or is it current and strong in the present and looking to the future? Is there something they feel is missing in their adult lives that could only be filled by a sibling? For that matter.... how do they know a sibling would fill it... having never had one to know what the experience is like? Not to mention....... I know plenty of adults who have very "strained" relationships with their siblings... some to the point of wishing they were an 'only'....... so it can go both ways.

and the other I hear the most...

"What about when you're gone? Do you want him to be alone?"
Of course I don't. But, I would like to think that as parents... we'll raise him so he wouldn't have to be. To be a warm, friendly adult with friends and family of his own. Maybe he'll get married. Maybe he won't. That choice will be up to him. But, not having a sibling does not banish him to a lifetime of loneliness. He already has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. And a church family. And friends. Why does the loss of his parents mean he would suddenly be alone? I don't think that it does.


Believe me. I've thought about these things hundreds of times. And all the "what ifs" you can muster. Want to know the truth? Part of me is afraid to have another. There. I said it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of having a girl. (don't want one... at all!) I'm afraid of going through another miscarriage. I'm afraid of what it would do to us financially. I'm afraid of how a second child would take time from the first.

Fear aside. There is no one, right answer. You just have to weigh the good, the bad and the ugly and come up with the choice that fits best. Right now... for us... that is to have one child.