Three Years

To My Hubby...

Can you believe it was three years ago today? My how time has flown. Let's see. What was year number three like for us?

• It started near the end of the first trimester of pregnancy.
• Morning sickness
• Fatigue
• Morning sickness
• Hearing baby's heartbeat for the first time
• Learning we would be having a boy
• Weight gain
• Mood swings
• Camping at 6+ months pg
• Stretch marks
• Modified bed rest
• Labor
• Emergency c-section
• 23 weeks of being parents...

By far, the best year we've had to date. You were by my side through the worst time in my life. And this year, we celebrated the best time in our lives. You brought me water, even when the sound of my puking was making you sick yourself. You change poopy diapers, even though the smell makes you gag. You've fixed countless dinners and adjusted pillows to the point there was barely enough space in bed for you. And when the kiddo left his bassinet, you never even blinked at me leaving our bed to share the futon with him. I know in this last year I haven't always been so good at expressing it... but do know that I love you so very, very much.

On that day 3 years ago, I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I did on that special day. But now, when I see you with our son, like the times when you're explaining the "ways of the world" to him as only a daddy can do, I wonder how my chest can possibly hold my heart it has grown so big. This journey has been a wild one, and I would never have come this far if it weren't for you. There's no one I'd rather be traveling this road with. I only hope, like this third year, the rest of it stays smooth.

I Love You!!!

Crunchiness

Yes. Another not-forgotten post from my list. And, since today is Earth Day... it seemed like the perfect time to finally find a few minutes to write it.

I would assume most of you have heard to the term "crunchy" when referring to lifestyle. It's used regularly on the internet bulletin boards I frequent so surely I'm not the only one aware of it. For those who don't know, "crunchy" refers to what some would stereotype as the tree hugging, granola eating hippie crowd. Granted, none of the crunchy people I know are actually like that, but you get the idea. As it turns out, as a parent I'm fairly crunchy. Not a true, all crunch granola. More of a trailmix--- some granola crunch, but still some soft and chewy dried fruits mixed in. And I'm finding more and more ways to be crunchier. And I feel good about it.

We practice "attachment" or "natural" parenting. I breastfeed. We both babywear. We cosleep. We never leave the kiddo to cry. All parts of being AP. What I didn't realize though, is that doing this would lead to more ways to be crunchy and leave me ever looking for more we can do.

Maybe it just comes with being a parent. Why wouldn't I want to do what I can to protect the earth? The environment? The very place my child has to grow up in and one day live in on his own. He deserves a clean, healthy environment. As do his children. And their children.

In the past several months, I've learned that being crunchy really doesn't take any more time or effort. Interestingly enough, many of the things we're currently doing or have a plan to implement not only are helping to save the environment, but they're also saving us money. So, in honor of Earth Day, here are some of the things we're already doing. And a few, simple things we plan to start doing. If you aren't already, consider working one or two of these things into your life. Every little bit helps!

~ We cloth diaper and use cloth wipes. Something that will save about a ton of landfill waste by the time the kiddo potty learns. And will save us an estimated $1200 over that time as well. (and because I can't resist, a picture of our environmentally friendly diaper stash:)

~ I breastfeed. No formula cans going into the trash. (ok. so that's not something anyone can do, or may choose to do. And certainly not a decision to make simply based on the environmental aspect. But, let's face it. Helping the environment is another benefit of it)

~ We got rid of all chemical cleaning products. I clean with vinegar and baking soda. The two toughest things to clean in our house are the textured surface of the bathtub and the ceramic top on the stove. Since I made the switch, these two items sparkle like they never have before! The kiddo can be in the room with me while I clean and I don't have to worry about the fumes he's breathing in. And, since he's becoming more and more mobile, I don't have to worry about him getting into and ingesting a potentially deadly household cleaner. It's much easier on my asthma, too.

~ We only run the dishwasher when it is full. And only run it overnight.

~ The hubby rides his bicycle to work about 8 months of the year. The other 4 months he rides the bus (cold and snow).

~ Turn of lights when not in the room. I still struggle with this one sometimes, but I'm getting better!

~ We get paper sacks at the grocery store checkout and then donate them to the soup kitchen at our church.

And some things we're working on implementing:
~ Switch to energy efficient light bulbs, as ours burn out and we have to buy more.
~ Skip the plastic bag at the checkout. Take our own cloth bags to use. The plastic ones we do have, we save and donate to the daycare I worked at so they are at least getting reused.
~ Recycle. I think we can pay to have it picked up with our regular trash. If not, since I'm home now, I just can't find an excuse to continue to not do it.
~ Use more cloth around the house, for cleaning, etc., rather than always reaching for the paper towels.
~ Do full loads of laundry in cold water. Well, except for the diapers. Those will always be washed on hot.
~ Did you see the "Go Green" episode of Oprah this week? According to that, if we all use just one less napkin a day, we can keep a billion pounds of waste out of the landfills each year.

Use one less napkin and change a light bulb. See. It really isn't that hard. Join me. How "crunchy" are you? Do feel free to share your ideas.

Happy Easter!!!

Another?

I'm betting you all think I forgot about my list... don't you? I still find it funny, that of the few who commented on that post, Another? is the one you most wanted to hear. Personally, I thought it was the most boring title and obvious of topics. Yet... it also seems to be the hardest for me to blog about. But... it's time.

Yes, "Another" is in reference to another baby. Even when I was pregnant, I was getting asked the question "When are you going to have another?" I laughed at it then. However... now the answer is "We aren't."

When I was growing up, I always wanted 4 kids. There were three in my family. My two brothers and me. I was always "odd man out" when we'd go places or do things. "The boys" were best buds, always had a playmate, closer in age. It was the natural pairing. And of course, my parents were a couple. Which just left me. So, when I said I wanted more than two kids, 4 seemed like the natural option because I refused to have 3 and always have one feel left out, like I did.

But... then my 20's came and went without even discussing marriage... let alone kids. 4 started to seem like too many. I wouldn't be starting until later in life. And, I started realizing just how expensive a kid can be. So, then the number became 2. Yes, 2 kids would be just perfect.

And then my 30's came. I didn't get married until I was 31 (turned 32 a few months later). We wanted kids and started trying right away. And then came miscarriage. And infertility. And surgery. And drugs. And then we got lucky.

I'll be 35 this year. The son will turn 1 a few months later. The hubby and I have discussed it many, many times and each time we come to the same conclusion: Andrew will likely be an only child. I just don't know that I can go through it all again. I just did the "high-risk" pregnancy thing. Another pregnancy will put me in the high risk category again... simply because of my age. I don't know that I have the energy for that.

If we were to have another, I would want them spaced out. My doctor already told me that because of my history and then having a c-section, I shouldn't even CONSIDER getting pregnant until the kiddo is a year old. Honestly, at his point, I can't imagine being pregnant again so soon. Nor, would I want to be. I want time to spend with this child. To be able to devote my time and attention to him in these early years that are so important. I wouldn't want another until this one is closer to school-age. Then, I'd be able to have time and attention to devote to a new baby as well. The hubby feels the same way. I know, I know........... LOTS of people have kids only a couple years apart. Perfectly fine for them (and you, if that should be the case).... but it isn't for US.

So, that puts me closer to 40 before having another baby? Again, I know lots of people do it. But, it isn't for me. I don't WANT to be having another baby at 40. (and, by the way, when did 40 suddenly get to be so close?) Not to mention.... that whole miscarriage and infertility thing. Who KNOWS how long it would even take us to get pg again? So what does that mean? Start trying early, in case it takes a while, and then end up with the kids closer together than we'd like?

And a miscarriage. UGH. I can't do that again. The last one nearly destroyed me... sending me into a darkness and depression like I have never known. Having a baby now, I am even more aware of what I would be missing out on if I miscarried again. I don't think I have it in me emotionally to go through that again. Nor, to explain to Andrew that no he isn't getting a baby brother or sister and why is mommy so sad. Yikes.

Not to mention, the financial aspects. We are barely getting by for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have it any other way and the sacrifices are worth it. But it is very hard. And if we had another, I would want to be home with him/her also. Barely getting by + another mouth to feed = doesn't make much sense. It wouldn't be practical or wise. Could we make it work if we had to? Sure. I'm sure we could. But, why would we? I'm of the mindset that if you're going to have a baby, you should be able to care for and provide for that child. We could do it. But it would be even tighter. I don't want my kids to have to do without, or to miss out on things that we can't afford, simply because I feel the need to have a bigger family. Seems rather selfish to me.

So, at this point, it is an only child for us. Which brings me to the reason this post is suddenly more appropriate.

Knowing our decision to have only one child, as he has been outgrowing things, they've gotten packed up to either sell or give away. I've kept a few things as mementos, but most of it is being moved on. All but one of his small sized diapers has been sold off to buy the next size up. His clothes are boxed up, waiting for me to find them a new, loving home. And yesterday, we sold his infant carrier and bassinet. And, as I was getting them together for the couple to pick up last night, I started crying.

I couldn't seem to help it. Getting rid of the baby things made me sad. Sad that my baby is growing so fast. No longer a newborn needing newborn things. Still a baby, yes. But not a tiny, little newborn anymore.

And sad that it made our decision to not have another baby seem all that much more real and permanent. I like the idea of a second child. Of my little man having a sibling to grow up with. It's always been my dream. But, not having another child is the right choice for us. And the one that makes sense. It is the logical, practical, smart choice for our family. It just doesn't take care of the emotional side. And it is the emotional side, which hasn't quite caught up with the practical side, that would still like another.