She'd be 2

Well... 2 1/2 really, since she was due in January. Erin would be 2 1/2.

It was 3 years ago today, that we stared at the ultrasound screen and no longer saw a beating little heart. We cried, scheduled the D&C, and our lives were forever changed.

I feel bad that I didn't remember. It is only because one of the bulletin board groups I post with mentioned it....... and then I had to go look up the actual date. As it is, I still feel bad that in my "mom of newborn" sleep deprived haze, I didn't remember her due date back in January. This date took a nudging, but it is remembered.... both with a sense of sadness.... and a sense of accomplishment.

Not to say that Erin is forgotten. Sure, the dates may not be marked on my calendar as reminders of when the actual events took place. But, she is not forgotten. I still think of her often. Wonder what it would be like to have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, instead of an almost 7 month old little boy. How different our lives would be. Yes, there's that whole "if you'd had her you wouldn't have him" thing. Which is true. And I love my son more than anything and am so very, very blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

But that doesn't mean I love her less. She was our first child. People on earth may not realize or acknowledge that. But, Heaven knows. And I know she is up there, looking down on us and watching over her little brother.... even now as he sleeps. He is lucky to have such a special guardian angel.

And it doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish things had worked differently with her. That I hadn't had to endure the D&C and the depression that followed. The surgery and procedures. The drugs and shots. The trying and failing. Over. and over. and over.

Then I look at him. With his smile that lights up the room. And his laugh that melts my heart. And I know. I know that losing Erin had to happen. It brought the hubby and I closer as a couple and made us stronger. It has helped me to savor each and every moment of life with the kiddo. It gave us the baby we were meant to raise.

Is it sad..... or even wrong..... to say that losing Erin had to happen? Maybe. But I don't think so. I think it was something beyond our control. It was God's plan. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I think of her and miss her often. Yes, it seemed so horribly unfair at the time. But... three years later.... as I look at her ultrasound, still sitting on the shelf in our living room... and then look down at the baby boy sleeping in my arms.... I realize things are exactly as they should be.