Another?

I'm betting you all think I forgot about my list... don't you? I still find it funny, that of the few who commented on that post, Another? is the one you most wanted to hear. Personally, I thought it was the most boring title and obvious of topics. Yet... it also seems to be the hardest for me to blog about. But... it's time.

Yes, "Another" is in reference to another baby. Even when I was pregnant, I was getting asked the question "When are you going to have another?" I laughed at it then. However... now the answer is "We aren't."

When I was growing up, I always wanted 4 kids. There were three in my family. My two brothers and me. I was always "odd man out" when we'd go places or do things. "The boys" were best buds, always had a playmate, closer in age. It was the natural pairing. And of course, my parents were a couple. Which just left me. So, when I said I wanted more than two kids, 4 seemed like the natural option because I refused to have 3 and always have one feel left out, like I did.

But... then my 20's came and went without even discussing marriage... let alone kids. 4 started to seem like too many. I wouldn't be starting until later in life. And, I started realizing just how expensive a kid can be. So, then the number became 2. Yes, 2 kids would be just perfect.

And then my 30's came. I didn't get married until I was 31 (turned 32 a few months later). We wanted kids and started trying right away. And then came miscarriage. And infertility. And surgery. And drugs. And then we got lucky.

I'll be 35 this year. The son will turn 1 a few months later. The hubby and I have discussed it many, many times and each time we come to the same conclusion: Andrew will likely be an only child. I just don't know that I can go through it all again. I just did the "high-risk" pregnancy thing. Another pregnancy will put me in the high risk category again... simply because of my age. I don't know that I have the energy for that.

If we were to have another, I would want them spaced out. My doctor already told me that because of my history and then having a c-section, I shouldn't even CONSIDER getting pregnant until the kiddo is a year old. Honestly, at his point, I can't imagine being pregnant again so soon. Nor, would I want to be. I want time to spend with this child. To be able to devote my time and attention to him in these early years that are so important. I wouldn't want another until this one is closer to school-age. Then, I'd be able to have time and attention to devote to a new baby as well. The hubby feels the same way. I know, I know........... LOTS of people have kids only a couple years apart. Perfectly fine for them (and you, if that should be the case).... but it isn't for US.

So, that puts me closer to 40 before having another baby? Again, I know lots of people do it. But, it isn't for me. I don't WANT to be having another baby at 40. (and, by the way, when did 40 suddenly get to be so close?) Not to mention.... that whole miscarriage and infertility thing. Who KNOWS how long it would even take us to get pg again? So what does that mean? Start trying early, in case it takes a while, and then end up with the kids closer together than we'd like?

And a miscarriage. UGH. I can't do that again. The last one nearly destroyed me... sending me into a darkness and depression like I have never known. Having a baby now, I am even more aware of what I would be missing out on if I miscarried again. I don't think I have it in me emotionally to go through that again. Nor, to explain to Andrew that no he isn't getting a baby brother or sister and why is mommy so sad. Yikes.

Not to mention, the financial aspects. We are barely getting by for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I wouldn't have it any other way and the sacrifices are worth it. But it is very hard. And if we had another, I would want to be home with him/her also. Barely getting by + another mouth to feed = doesn't make much sense. It wouldn't be practical or wise. Could we make it work if we had to? Sure. I'm sure we could. But, why would we? I'm of the mindset that if you're going to have a baby, you should be able to care for and provide for that child. We could do it. But it would be even tighter. I don't want my kids to have to do without, or to miss out on things that we can't afford, simply because I feel the need to have a bigger family. Seems rather selfish to me.

So, at this point, it is an only child for us. Which brings me to the reason this post is suddenly more appropriate.

Knowing our decision to have only one child, as he has been outgrowing things, they've gotten packed up to either sell or give away. I've kept a few things as mementos, but most of it is being moved on. All but one of his small sized diapers has been sold off to buy the next size up. His clothes are boxed up, waiting for me to find them a new, loving home. And yesterday, we sold his infant carrier and bassinet. And, as I was getting them together for the couple to pick up last night, I started crying.

I couldn't seem to help it. Getting rid of the baby things made me sad. Sad that my baby is growing so fast. No longer a newborn needing newborn things. Still a baby, yes. But not a tiny, little newborn anymore.

And sad that it made our decision to not have another baby seem all that much more real and permanent. I like the idea of a second child. Of my little man having a sibling to grow up with. It's always been my dream. But, not having another child is the right choice for us. And the one that makes sense. It is the logical, practical, smart choice for our family. It just doesn't take care of the emotional side. And it is the emotional side, which hasn't quite caught up with the practical side, that would still like another.