Braxton Hicks

Pepper decided to be obnoxious this morning and not get in her kennel when it was time for me to go to work. I must say... the sight of me and my 21 week pregnant belly getting down on my hands and knees to chase the dog out from under the coffee table... and then trying to get back up... could NOT have been attractive! Thankfully, no one else was here to witness it. Typically, it's not the getting to the floor that's hard. I do that all the time at work still. However, getting back up off the floor is starting to take some real effort.

Very long day at work. Not a ton of babies, so I was by myself. Which meant I did all the lifting and bending and rocking and so forth. And after all of that, I'm reasonably certain I have experienced the first... and what I'm certain won't be the last... of Braxton Hicks contractions.

A couple of times today, I noticed my abdomen feeling really tight. No pain. Just a mild discomfort. And as soon as I'd sit for a minute or two, things would relax and the discomfort was gone. Nothing I'm worried about. My doctor said discomfort and even mild pain is normal. I need to be concerned if the pain becomes intense, or if the contractions become frequent and/or regular. These fit into none of those clarifiers, so I'm pretty sure they are BH and just fine. Not to mention, the little guy was very active today--- and I was told to worry if his activity decreases noticeably-- not increases like today! Another sign things are progressing just as they should.


Oh--- and I should mention we'll be heading out of town Friday afternoon for a visit to my grandma's. Just in case I don't make it on here again before then, that will explain my absence. Have a great weekend!

20 w 4 d

Two more weeks have passed and all is still going fabulously. Today was dubbed the "BIG" ultrasound. Called such because it is at this scan that most people find out the gender of their baby. But... being on the two week scan plan, I learned that information 4 weeks ago! Still, it was great to see the little guy once again. Though... today's session felt very routine and rushed... unlike the last two I had. But still.... I got to see my little boy.

Doctor said all of his measurements look really good. He's actually measuring at 20w 6d, so a couple days ahead of where we are. Gotta love hearing news like that! He was being quite the wiggle worm, and a couple of times as we watched him give a good kick on the screen, I felt it at the same time, which was incredible. The hubby went to this scan with me and was really amazed at how much baby has grown and changed since the last time he saw him.

The great part about today's scan... besides the whole healthy baby thing... the entire thing was done WITHOUT GETTING NAKED!!! For the first time in a gazillion ultrasounds over the last several years, I did NOT have to meet the dildocam. I was shocked! But, the tech said she would measure my cervix from the outside scan, and only do the internal if it looked like there had been much change. Today's measurement. 5.2. Exactly the same as two weeks ago! YAY for a good cervix. I praise it after every appointment and remind it daily to keep up the good work.

Met with the third doctor in the practice today. Like her a bunch, too. Then again... I like everyone at my doc's office. She looked at my cervix measurement and wondered why in the heck we're checking it regularly with measurements like that. Had to explain the history a bit and then she totally agreed it was a good idea. Then, she let us listen to the heartbeat, too! Haven't heard it at the doctor's since 12 weeks. Told her we listen at home with a rented doppler and she was asking all kinds of questions about where we got it, how much it cost, etc.

So... all is well in babyland. The little guy has been rolling and kicking like mad today... so I am DEFINITELY starting to feel him a lot more. It is still a bizarre (but wonderful!) sensation, and often catches me by surprise... but I wouldn't trade it for anything. As strong as he's getting, shouldn't be too long before the hubby is feeling him more regularly, too.... which I can't wait for.

5 ultrasounds down... hopefully only 2 to go! (oh... and will try to scan a couple new pics and post later this weekend)

Halfway

20 weeks down... 20 to go. I think it's finally starting to sink in that we really could end up with a baby out of this. But the scars of miscarriage and infertility remain. And there is still fear that something could go wrong.

It becomes more and more clear every day that those scars may fade... but will never go away. I've read other IF blogs that say the same thing. Throughout pregnancy and delivery... and even as the babies grow, IF and loss still find a way to haunt you.

And... if you're like me... you can't avoid it. Well... I suppose I could if I never looked at another blog... but what are the chances of that? 20 weeks is such a big milestone... but there are tons of stories out there that, having been through a loss, make you realize that nothing is certain. Babies born still at full gestation. Babies born early and spending weeks or months in the NICU. Some make it. Some make it with disablities. Some don't make it at all. Travel the world of IF blogs, and you're bound to hear it all. Heck, if you've been around the IF blogs a bit... you probably know about Tertia-- who has actually been through all of those things. Somehow, in the process of educating oneself and making connections with others who understand, the fears are also compounded.

Because of the history... and the stories from others... I have to remind myself every. single. day. that there is a little life growing inside me. He is healthy. And strong. And odds are, we'll be holding him in our arms in just a few, short months. Knowing the facts and stats doesn't necessarily make it easier. It makes the fears less. But they are still there.

I still get antsy if I don't feel him move for a few hours. I still have to pull out the doppler every night to listen to his heartbeat and remind myself that he is fine. I still wait with anticipation for each ultrasound (yet another version of the 2ww) to see him moving around and know that he is alright. And I regularly remind myself to relax, and breathe and put the fears out of my mind... for his sake and mine. It gets a little easier with each passing day, but it is still something I have to work at. (And, I've stopped looking at any new blogs for the time. I'm sticking with my "regulars," whose stories I already am familiar with.)

Don't get me wrong. In all of this, I am thrilled to death to be here. And I celebrate with great joy each and every little milestone. Like the wallop of a kick he gave me a few nights ago. It was the first time I had felt a very noticeable kick... without having to concentrate on what exactly it was I was feeling. And laughing, when the dog tried to lay across my stomach and baby gave her a good kick. And the sheer excitement I felt the first time the hubby felt baby kick. And the chuckle we shared during the middle of the sermon at church last Sunday when I was dealt a sharp pain in my abdomen that was quite clearly a tiny head pressing against things and not wanting to move from that spot. I really could go on and on. Pregnancy in itself, is quite the interesting and wonderful experience. That much I have learned.

And I have learned that infertility and miscarriage never leave us. I only hope I can continue to quiet the fears to my best ability. And continue to rejoice in the fact that I am well on my way to having a wonderful, baby boy.

Fat and Lazy

What is it that has us believe that a pregnant woman should just continue on with life "as normal?" Keep going at the break-neck pace she has always lived by? Not want nor expect anyone to lift one, single finger in assistance?

Countless times I have heard people refer to pregnancy as a "condition." And it is. It is not a "disease." It is not something we need to hide from. Or feel we have to give up our lives for. My doctor refers to pregnancy as just another "state of health." For most women, if you were doing it before getting pregnant, you can continue with it while pregnant. At least, for the most part.

But why, oh WHY, does it feel like I am viewed as "less" of a woman when I take it easy with my pregnancy? I can't BEGIN to count the number of times I have gotten "the look" because I mention something the hubby did for me... or if we're out together and I ask him to do/get me something... or if he just willingly offers. I get it from strangers, acquaintances, friends... and even from family who KNOWS my situation. The look is always from women... generally ones who have been through pregnancy and have children. What is it? Wait. I know. I'm giving women a bad name by being a lazy pregnant one. Is that it?

I think that's the part that gets me. Having people pass judgement on me when they have no idea of my situation or circumstances. (or having them judge even when they are well aware of things!) It's not like I just said one day, "I think I'll get pg so I have an excuse to sit around and get fat and be lazy." No. Not like that at all.

I do a LOT in my day. Anyone with kids knows what goes into taking care of an infant... Diapering. Feeding. Cleaning up messes. Etc. Etc. Etc. So multiply that times 8... throw in the help of one other person... and you have my day. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. 8 babies... all under the age of 1. No denying it. My job is demanding.

My doctor knows this. My husband knows this. And because of this, given the "high risk" nature of my pregnancy, if my doctor had her way, I would go to work, come home, put my feet up and do absolutely nothing the rest of the night. In her ideal world. But there are still things like errands that need to be run, and dinner that needs to be cooked, and laundry that needs to be done. Most nights I come home from work, and to my doctor's liking, take it easy and do as little as possible. Some nights I cook dinner. Some nights I even manage a load of laundry. But, I don't do much. We save the bulk of our errand-running for Saturdays, when I haven't been caring for babies all day long. That's also the day I try to do some housecleaning. And Sundays I sleep most of the day... except for going to church. I admit it. I don't do a whole lot if I don't have to, and I do spend a lot of my "free" time sleeping... or at least resting. It's what the doctor has said is best for me and the baby.

So why, then, am I made to feel like I am committing a crime by taking it easy whenever possible and allowing... or even (GASP!) asking my hubby to do some things for me? He's been a saint throughout all of this... never once complaining that I need another glass of milk before I crawl out of bed (lest I puke everywhere)... or that I'm just too tired to fix dinner, leaving him to fix something for himself or the both of us... or that I fall asleep while the clothes are in the dryer and he ends up folding them... or anything. He knows what my doctor has said. And he wants a healthy baby too, so understands the importance of helping out and allowing me to rest whenever needed. There's a reason for my "fat and lazy" state. And a reason my hubby is doing his absolute best to take care of us (beyond all that love, honor, care for stuff).

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

The Belly

There really are a couple of posts swimming around in my head. One of them is even IF related. I promise. They are coming. Til then... here are the belly shots I promised a few days ago. According to measurement (by counting sheets of toilet paper... something we've been doing every week) I am STILL the same as I was four weeks ago. But I think the pictures say otherwise. Have a look for yourself and tell me what you think:
(Last month's pics can be found here)



Personally... I think I'm even looking pg from the front now:

18w 4d

I've been a slack blogger this week. Plenty of ideas running around in my head, just haven't taken the time to work them out and get them posted. Coming soon. For now... update on yesterday's (18w 4d) doctor visit.

Thus far, things seem to be rather "routine." Doctor walked into the room, looks at me, and first thing says "Man! Your cervix is long!" I laughed. This week it measured a strong 5.2cm. Down 1/2 a cm since two weeks ago, which my doctor says is absolutely nothing. Considering they expect it to only be between 3 and 4cm at this point, mine is definitely doing a super job. My doc was actually considering the possibility of not doing as many ultrasounds as originally scheduled, simply because things look so good. WOOHOO!!! Although... I won't let her stop the scans until I have the one right before we leave on vacation. I'll enjoy my trip much better if I know from the day before that things are still nice and closed up.

Baby is DEFINITELY still a boy. Tech went to take a quick peek and there was no need to search and no denying it. My little guy has no modesty..... just like his mother. Heartrate was 158 on the ultrasound.... right where we've counted it to be when we check it with the doppler. Because of the ultrasounds, they never listen to the heartbeat in the office since they know from the scans it is there and strong. Makes me really glad we rented the doppler so I can still hear him.

I gained 2.5 lbs, so finally putting on a little weight. Somehow, my tummy measures the same as it has the last couple of weeks.... though it definitely LOOKS like it's popped out more. Several people have commented on how much more it is sticking out over the last couple of days. Will take some pics this weekend and post for you all to see.

Discussed childbirth classes with the doc. She said we don't have to take them this soon, though the hospital suggets getting signed up for them in the next few weeks. Suggested looking into the Bradley Method if I want to go all natural, but really doesn't see anything wrong with just taking the basic class at the hospital. I told her I'm terrified to have an epidural and really want to avoid one if we can. She said that's absolutely fine, she will not try to talk me out of what I do or don't want, because it is my decision.... but also reminded me to keep an open mind about the whole process. Said after working so hard to get here and to stay pg, the ultimate goal at the end is a healthy baby.... and if that means an epidural or c-section or whatever we need to do, to just keep that in mind and be prepared for anything. I do so love my doctor.... as I've said many, many times.

Blood pressure was fine. Pee test was fine. Just a "trace" of sugar, which the nurse blamed on the Cocoa Pebbles I'd had for breakfast shortly before my appointment. All is well. I'm just shy of 19 weeks and just shy of the half-way point. It never ceases to amaze me. And feeling him move, or hearing his heartbeat never fails to put a smile on my face.

What a Day!

I think I can honestly say "T.G.I.F." took on a whole new meaning today.

Let's start with the most important... and best of the news. The results of last week's bloodwork came in and BabyR is negative for the major birth defects covered in the test (Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and neural tube defects.) Thank goodness. Can't say I was ever really worried, but it is still a relief to know our baby boy appears to be in great health.

And then everything else happened. Work was long. And stressful. For reasons I can't really go into much detail about at this time. I can say that I am only indirectly involved... though even that meant spending much time today answering the same questions when posed by different individuals handling the matter. And given the strong liking I have for a couple of the persons involved, it only makes it that much harder and that much more stressful.

Then we add to that a typical day in the classroom: 8 babies between myself and my co-teacher. A couple of them are teething, and therefore incredibly cranky. One puked his lunch because he's still adjusting to the thicker texture of the food he was eating and it was too much for him. This after a different one had the same problem earlier and puked her breakfast. Another had a couple of runny diapers and started running a fever. Lunch was ravioli, which meant a big mess and baths for the three on table food. As well as the usual crying, screaming, fussing, etc. No kidding. It really wasn't much different than any other day in my room.

I get home, and the instant I open the door I am very aware of an all-too-familiar bad smell. Took Pepper out first thing, and increased my suspicion. Brought her in, just as Eric was getting home. Yes. She had peed in her kennel. And though she had just been outside and peed several times with both me and Eric, she promptly peed on the bed, and then on the hallway floor. Very noticeable blood in it. Her bladder infection is back.

So, we piled in the car and headed back to the animal ER. She, of course, didn't think I'd dealt with enough puke today, so proceeded to vomit on the back seat of the car. As tough as it was, Eric managed to clean that one up himself. The vet was concerned about the problem returning so quickly... she's only been off the last round of antibiotics for a week... so took x-rays to rule out bladder stones. And like any good pregnant woman who loves her pet, I cried when the doctor had to half drag her out of the room, tail tightly tucked between her legs, to go for the xrays. Thankfully, they were clear and no stones. She was given a shot of pain-killer, another shot of antibiotics, and one of an anti-inflammatory. As well as 2 week's worth of 2x/day antibiotics to continue at home. And she better like the taste of them because the suckers are way too big to hide in a piece of cheese.

When all was done, I looked at my tummy and jokingly told BabyR it looks like he'll be sleeping in a drawer after paying for Pepper's ER bill. Okay. So he won't REALLY be put in a drawer. We do have some "baby money" tucked away into savings..... but it was pretty wild to realize the vet visit for the dog cost the same as the crib we have picked out for the baby.

Since getting back home, Pepper already seems to be feeling a little better... though she peed in the house, yet again. Everyone talks about how much more laundry you have when you have a baby. No one ever mentioned all the extra laundry I'd be doing with a sick dog in the house. YIKES! T.G.I.F.