You all are right. Chances of my mom finding my blog are quite small. For now, I won't worry about it and will keep right on writing. Thanks for calming my nerves.
So. Not much going on. Am somewhere in the 2ww. Best guess, near the end of it. Am trying very, very, very hard not to read into my symptoms and get my hopes up. Have been there before. Been down that road far too many times and it only ends in disappointment. And the minute I start posting about them and getting others to jump on the "Have Hope" bandwagon, the witch comes knocking.
But... oh. my. god. It is so hard. I want to have hope but am afraid of it. And this month, on top of the typical stuff, I have also been extra tired. Really tired. And not for lack of sleep, as I have been sleeping more the last week or so. How bad is it that my boss pointed out this afternoon how exhausted I looked and suggested I "blow off" my rehearsal tonight so I could stay home and rest? Pathetic, I am. I'd love nothing more than to take her advice and go crawl into bed right now. But we have a concert on Saturday, so rehearsal is a must. It won't go fast enough for me tonight. And the bed will certainly be calling my name the second I walk in the door.
It sort of sucks. Hope is there. Seems we all have to deal with her. Resistance is futile.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Blog Nervousness
My mom, for reasons I won't go into, has been without a computer for about a year. Having had enough of always having to go to the library or someone else's house when she needed to get online, she used some of her tax return to buy a computer. Got it all set up and is enjoying her new state of "connectedness."
This afternoon, we're sitting at a guard show, as is typical for a February Saturday. She turns to me and while I can't promise it is here word for word, the conversation went something like this:
Mom: In the year that I've been without a computer, something new has come up. Do you know what a "blog" is?
Me: Um, yeah. Stands for "web log." It's an online journal.
Mom: So it's just somebody talking about their life? Why would they do that?
Me: Something like that. Some are focused-- blogs about specific topics-- but some are just journals. I know some people use them as a way of keeping in touch with family who is out of state. You know... share stories and pictures of their kids and stuff so grandma and grandpa can keep up since they live in Maine and the family is in California.
Mom: I see. So how do you find these? And how do you know it's not something bizarre?
Me: Well, if it's bizarre, you just don't go back to it. I found my first one through a link someone posted in one of my groups. Then just went clicking and searching until I found others I like.
Mom: Oh. Okay.
At which point, the announcer started in for the next guard that was about to perform. THANKFULLY, the topic never came back up.
You see... there are only two people in my family who know about my blog. The hubby. And my cousin. I would prefer to keep it that way. Having my mother read my blog would leave me very self-concious about my writings and I don't know that I would feel as free to write as I do if I knew she was reading. I love my mom, and I share most things with her, but not my blog.
So what do I do if she asks me to point her to some blogs? All of them I read either link directly to my blog, or link to a blog that links to a blog that links to a blog.......... that if you tried hard enough you could eventually find me. And there's that whole "Next Blog" feature on blogspot. What if she finds a blogspot blog, clicks that wonderful link, and mine comes up. I keep things somewhat "unidentifiable," but I'm not completely closeted. And given the wedding photo, my mother would at least know it was me. I am now pretty freaked out about all of this and her discovering me. What to do?
**Note to cuz: Family also does not know about mom's computer purchase and she would like to keep it that way for now. Thanks!
This afternoon, we're sitting at a guard show, as is typical for a February Saturday. She turns to me and while I can't promise it is here word for word, the conversation went something like this:
Mom: In the year that I've been without a computer, something new has come up. Do you know what a "blog" is?
Me: Um, yeah. Stands for "web log." It's an online journal.
Mom: So it's just somebody talking about their life? Why would they do that?
Me: Something like that. Some are focused-- blogs about specific topics-- but some are just journals. I know some people use them as a way of keeping in touch with family who is out of state. You know... share stories and pictures of their kids and stuff so grandma and grandpa can keep up since they live in Maine and the family is in California.
Mom: I see. So how do you find these? And how do you know it's not something bizarre?
Me: Well, if it's bizarre, you just don't go back to it. I found my first one through a link someone posted in one of my groups. Then just went clicking and searching until I found others I like.
Mom: Oh. Okay.
At which point, the announcer started in for the next guard that was about to perform. THANKFULLY, the topic never came back up.
You see... there are only two people in my family who know about my blog. The hubby. And my cousin. I would prefer to keep it that way. Having my mother read my blog would leave me very self-concious about my writings and I don't know that I would feel as free to write as I do if I knew she was reading. I love my mom, and I share most things with her, but not my blog.
So what do I do if she asks me to point her to some blogs? All of them I read either link directly to my blog, or link to a blog that links to a blog that links to a blog.......... that if you tried hard enough you could eventually find me. And there's that whole "Next Blog" feature on blogspot. What if she finds a blogspot blog, clicks that wonderful link, and mine comes up. I keep things somewhat "unidentifiable," but I'm not completely closeted. And given the wedding photo, my mother would at least know it was me. I am now pretty freaked out about all of this and her discovering me. What to do?
**Note to cuz: Family also does not know about mom's computer purchase and she would like to keep it that way for now. Thanks!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Anniversaries
All kinds of stuff to celebrate today.
As of today, the hubby and I have been married for 22 months. YAY! (and therefore, TTC for 22 months, since we started on our wedding night.) He really is my rock and keeps me sane through all the infertility crap... and through life itself. Thanks for everything, honey! You know I love you.
One year ago today, I had my septum surgery. A lap and a hyst all in one. The septum was successfully removed and we were told the chances of carrying a pregnancy to term were much greater after that. Our chances for another miscarriage went from 80% to the normal (meaning what anyone who is pg would face) 10-20% just by the removal of that extra tissue that was making my uterus unhappy. Of course... testing those statistics is still waiting for us to even conceive. But, I still celebrate the fact that my mc chances are less. And am grateful every month that I had the surgery done since it seems to have eliminated all the horrible cramps I used to get with AF.
And, though it was actually a couple weeks ago and I missed it, my little blog is one year old! WOOHOO! It's interesting to go back and see how far we've come in a year. Though, I must admit, at times I wish I had been blogging the year before that, too. The first year of our TTC journey was quite hellish and I sometimes wish I'd had this record of it. But, this year has been some ride, eh? I started this as a TTC blog, but as our path on this journey has shifted, since then it has taken a turn to the IF side. I've discovered many new friends through blogland, but not forgotten the old. Will be interesting to see where the next year takes us. I'm looking forward to it.
As of today, the hubby and I have been married for 22 months. YAY! (and therefore, TTC for 22 months, since we started on our wedding night.) He really is my rock and keeps me sane through all the infertility crap... and through life itself. Thanks for everything, honey! You know I love you.
One year ago today, I had my septum surgery. A lap and a hyst all in one. The septum was successfully removed and we were told the chances of carrying a pregnancy to term were much greater after that. Our chances for another miscarriage went from 80% to the normal (meaning what anyone who is pg would face) 10-20% just by the removal of that extra tissue that was making my uterus unhappy. Of course... testing those statistics is still waiting for us to even conceive. But, I still celebrate the fact that my mc chances are less. And am grateful every month that I had the surgery done since it seems to have eliminated all the horrible cramps I used to get with AF.
And, though it was actually a couple weeks ago and I missed it, my little blog is one year old! WOOHOO! It's interesting to go back and see how far we've come in a year. Though, I must admit, at times I wish I had been blogging the year before that, too. The first year of our TTC journey was quite hellish and I sometimes wish I'd had this record of it. But, this year has been some ride, eh? I started this as a TTC blog, but as our path on this journey has shifted, since then it has taken a turn to the IF side. I've discovered many new friends through blogland, but not forgotten the old. Will be interesting to see where the next year takes us. I'm looking forward to it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I Am Infertile
I'm really believing that the whole "giving up" thing this cycle has been good for me. I'm definitely more relaxed. I had to laugh when the hubby and I were talking the other night and I honestly couldn't remember the last time we had sex. At one time, I think I could pinpoint it to the hour of the day it happened. Not this cycle. And to know what cycle day I'm on, I actually have to look at a calendar and do the math. Yep. Much more relaxed.
And just after the start of this cycle, my blog got its new look. And my blogging of recent has been about infertility more than it used to. And then it hit me. I have long since been blogging about trying to conceive and my struggles with infertility. But it has only been in this cycle that I have actually referred to myself as "infertile." I am an infertile. I'm not sure why it is that I hadn't ever really said it before. But I went through several old posts, and I really hadn't. I am infertile.
It actually feels freeing to state it. To have stated it. And most importantly, to have accepted it. That's what this is, you know. Acceptance. It's taken me a while to get here, but I have. Accepting it has calmed me. And opened my eyes. And changed my whole outlook on the trying to conceive thing. And freed my mind. Am I happy about it? No. Would anyone be happy about being infertile? Doubtful. But it is the reality that is my life. I am infertile.
After writing the above last Saturday (2/11), I saved the post for later and went to bed. The next day at church, our minister's sermon included this:
"It's not about giving up. It is, however, about surrender. And there is, I think, a crucial difference. To give up means to say there is no hope. To give up is to lie down without any prospect of ever getting back up. To give up is to say there's nothing, NOTHING, that is going to be able to help. But, to surrender... to surrender is to say that we will move ahead not knowing where we're going, but knowing that we are not alone. To surrender is to recognize that there is some power beyond ourself, mysterious as it is, and often embodied in the life of those around us who will lead us along the way. It may not turn out alright. But we also will not be alone."
**Sr. Pastor at my church
So maybe, it isn't just about acceptance. I feel good with the space I am now in. I have accepted my infertility. And have also surrendered to it. We will move ahead through this. And I know I am definitely not alone in this journey. I don't know how it will turn out. None of us does. But it is what it is and we will move through it. Accepted and Surrendered. I am infertile.
And just after the start of this cycle, my blog got its new look. And my blogging of recent has been about infertility more than it used to. And then it hit me. I have long since been blogging about trying to conceive and my struggles with infertility. But it has only been in this cycle that I have actually referred to myself as "infertile." I am an infertile. I'm not sure why it is that I hadn't ever really said it before. But I went through several old posts, and I really hadn't. I am infertile.
It actually feels freeing to state it. To have stated it. And most importantly, to have accepted it. That's what this is, you know. Acceptance. It's taken me a while to get here, but I have. Accepting it has calmed me. And opened my eyes. And changed my whole outlook on the trying to conceive thing. And freed my mind. Am I happy about it? No. Would anyone be happy about being infertile? Doubtful. But it is the reality that is my life. I am infertile.
After writing the above last Saturday (2/11), I saved the post for later and went to bed. The next day at church, our minister's sermon included this:
"It's not about giving up. It is, however, about surrender. And there is, I think, a crucial difference. To give up means to say there is no hope. To give up is to lie down without any prospect of ever getting back up. To give up is to say there's nothing, NOTHING, that is going to be able to help. But, to surrender... to surrender is to say that we will move ahead not knowing where we're going, but knowing that we are not alone. To surrender is to recognize that there is some power beyond ourself, mysterious as it is, and often embodied in the life of those around us who will lead us along the way. It may not turn out alright. But we also will not be alone."
**Sr. Pastor at my church
So maybe, it isn't just about acceptance. I feel good with the space I am now in. I have accepted my infertility. And have also surrendered to it. We will move ahead through this. And I know I am definitely not alone in this journey. I don't know how it will turn out. None of us does. But it is what it is and we will move through it. Accepted and Surrendered. I am infertile.
Monday, February 20, 2006
President's Day
One of the few holidays my company is closed. But not to give the teachers a day off. No. Instead, they close the buildings to children and the staff all get together for trainings. Some of it can be fun. Occassionally, even interesting. But mostly, I find them to be rather dull. There are topics that must be reviewed every year: child abuse/neglect, universal precautions, code of business conduct, etc. After 8+ years with the company, I think I could recite them all by heart. So that part does get rather boring. Thankfully, the directors recognize that and do their best to keep things short and to the point.
The plus side is we get paid for the entire time we're there... breaks and lunch included... and we got done very early today. We were out of there by 1:30 instead of the scheduled 4. WOOHOO! A free afternoon before I have to head to rehearsal this evening. After feeling so yucky yesterday, I can use it.
Feeling better today. My head finally stopped pounding... though the nausea has kinda come and gone still. No more puking, which is definitely a plus. And deperately resisting the POAS urge. I promised myself I would just wait until AF arrived or until I know she is long overdue. Remind me of that when I hear the sticks calling my name.
The plus side is we get paid for the entire time we're there... breaks and lunch included... and we got done very early today. We were out of there by 1:30 instead of the scheduled 4. WOOHOO! A free afternoon before I have to head to rehearsal this evening. After feeling so yucky yesterday, I can use it.
Feeling better today. My head finally stopped pounding... though the nausea has kinda come and gone still. No more puking, which is definitely a plus. And deperately resisting the POAS urge. I promised myself I would just wait until AF arrived or until I know she is long overdue. Remind me of that when I hear the sticks calling my name.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Question
Alright. I realize you'll probably think I'm crazy. Feel free to slap some sense back into me even, as I'm sure I could benefit from it.
Woke up about 5 AM feeling extremely nauseous. Laid in bed and tried to sleep, mainly dozing off and on, until around 8... the whole time trying to convince myself that I was not going to puke. Finally got up and went to the bathroom, no incident, and crawled back into bed. About 15 minutes later, I lost everything that was in my stomach. Since then, the nausea has been gone and I've felt pretty decent.
Except for the monster headache the violent act of vomiting gave me. It has been hurting and pounding all day and kept me in bed for the majority of it. After a number of doses of Tylenol, I gave in and took a couple of Aleve. (though it hasn't helped much, either) Naturally, I'm second-guessing my decision to take it. I looked it up on the web and it is a Class B drug with no expected problems if taken while pregnant (though not to be taken in later pregnancy.) As best I can tell, I'm around 7 or 8 dpo. So, on the off-chance I did get pg this cycle, do you think the Aleve will hurt anything?
Woke up about 5 AM feeling extremely nauseous. Laid in bed and tried to sleep, mainly dozing off and on, until around 8... the whole time trying to convince myself that I was not going to puke. Finally got up and went to the bathroom, no incident, and crawled back into bed. About 15 minutes later, I lost everything that was in my stomach. Since then, the nausea has been gone and I've felt pretty decent.
Except for the monster headache the violent act of vomiting gave me. It has been hurting and pounding all day and kept me in bed for the majority of it. After a number of doses of Tylenol, I gave in and took a couple of Aleve. (though it hasn't helped much, either) Naturally, I'm second-guessing my decision to take it. I looked it up on the web and it is a Class B drug with no expected problems if taken while pregnant (though not to be taken in later pregnancy.) As best I can tell, I'm around 7 or 8 dpo. So, on the off-chance I did get pg this cycle, do you think the Aleve will hurt anything?
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I'm lost
It is at this point in my cycle that I start kicking myself for putting the thermometer away. I know I've ovulated. After years of charting, it's pretty obvious for me when it is O time. Even more obvious is the post-O. My cm is pretty much non-existent now. And my boobs. UGH. My boobs have gained their usual post-O cup size and they hurt so bad you'd think someone had slammed them with a 2 x 4. They hurt with a bra on. They hurt with a bra off. Standing. Sitting. Lying down. Doesn't matter. There is a constant dull ache. So, yeah. I know I've O'd.
So what sucks, is I don't know WHEN. Losing the thermometer was great in the first half. I certainly felt more relaxed about TTC than I have in months. And it was quite nice to enjoy sex just for the hell of it again. But now. NOW I'm wishing I hadn't given it up. I feel so lost without the knowledge it provides. I have no idea when I ovulated. No idea where in the 2WW I am. No idea when the witch should be knocking at my door. And, quite frankly, it is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
So what sucks, is I don't know WHEN. Losing the thermometer was great in the first half. I certainly felt more relaxed about TTC than I have in months. And it was quite nice to enjoy sex just for the hell of it again. But now. NOW I'm wishing I hadn't given it up. I feel so lost without the knowledge it provides. I have no idea when I ovulated. No idea where in the 2WW I am. No idea when the witch should be knocking at my door. And, quite frankly, it is DRIVING. ME. CRAZY.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Girls' Night Out
Don't remember the last time I had one of those. Have I ever? Beyond college, I mean. Actually, I do recall a few now... though it has been a long time.
Went with a couple friends from work. Mainly to blow off steam about all the crap that has been going on there lately. Had good time. Got all the work-related rants out. Laughed a lot. Had dinner. Had drinks. Am now feeling a bit tipsy and supposing I might just go crawl into bed and sleep the night away. T.G.I.F.
**And should you look at the time on my post, I know it's "early." It was dinner and drinks though, and one of the ladies had to pick her tod up from the sitter and drive 45 minutes to get home. Still had fabulous time. Just not night owls.
Went with a couple friends from work. Mainly to blow off steam about all the crap that has been going on there lately. Had good time. Got all the work-related rants out. Laughed a lot. Had dinner. Had drinks. Am now feeling a bit tipsy and supposing I might just go crawl into bed and sleep the night away. T.G.I.F.
**And should you look at the time on my post, I know it's "early." It was dinner and drinks though, and one of the ladies had to pick her tod up from the sitter and drive 45 minutes to get home. Still had fabulous time. Just not night owls.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
More Blogging Delays
It's February. In Indiana. It should be cold with snow covering the ground. But, no. Instead, we are under a tornado watch, and a thunderstorm is beginning to move into our area. We're already seeing lightening and hearing thunder. Pepper has gone into hiding. And with the approaching storm, the computer is now going to bed. One of these days, I will get to do a real post again.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day
Hope you all enjoyed yours. I've been so busy the last couple days I just haven't had time to post. Rehearsal Monday, Vday yesterday, rehearsal tonight and interview tomorrow night. Believe me though, there are plenty of ideas swirling around in my brain, so they'll be coming to a computer near you, soon.
We celebrated v-day with dinner in. It's much easier that way. Hubby did have flowers sent to me at work, even though I had told him he didn't have to. Of course, I was glad he did. They brightened an otherwise crappy day. Some of the most beautiful, fragrant roses I've ever seen. And... he does know me well. Yes, the flowers are PURPLE! (though the photo doesn't really do them any justice)
Promise I'll be back to regular blogging soon.
We celebrated v-day with dinner in. It's much easier that way. Hubby did have flowers sent to me at work, even though I had told him he didn't have to. Of course, I was glad he did. They brightened an otherwise crappy day. Some of the most beautiful, fragrant roses I've ever seen. And... he does know me well. Yes, the flowers are PURPLE! (though the photo doesn't really do them any justice)
Promise I'll be back to regular blogging soon.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Olympic Nonsense
The Olympics 
have been on our TV quite regularly since they started. The hubby is quite the sports fan. And, admittedly, I'm a bit of one, too. And it's not like much else is on since everything is on olympic hiatus. Why should they waste a perfectly good new episode against that ratings eater?
In watching, it seems speed is a big thing in the winter games. But I can't decide which is best. Going 30+ mph on a couple of sharpened pieces of steel over a sheet of ice. Or going down the side of a snowy mountain at 80+ mph either a) on a souped-up Radio Flyer, b) on a couple of polished sticks, or c) on a glorified saucer. All sounds rather dangerous to me. Think I'll stick to the spectator sport.**
** 4 different events referenced above. Bonus kudos to you if you can name all four.
have been on our TV quite regularly since they started. The hubby is quite the sports fan. And, admittedly, I'm a bit of one, too. And it's not like much else is on since everything is on olympic hiatus. Why should they waste a perfectly good new episode against that ratings eater?In watching, it seems speed is a big thing in the winter games. But I can't decide which is best. Going 30+ mph on a couple of sharpened pieces of steel over a sheet of ice. Or going down the side of a snowy mountain at 80+ mph either a) on a souped-up Radio Flyer, b) on a couple of polished sticks, or c) on a glorified saucer. All sounds rather dangerous to me. Think I'll stick to the spectator sport.**
** 4 different events referenced above. Bonus kudos to you if you can name all four.
Friends
I had a post all ready to go for today. And then we went to church this morning and the minister's sermon really struck a chord with me. So much of what he said directly relates to that post, that I decided to wait on posting it. The sermon will be online in a day or two, and I'm thinking I want to review it, and maybe even pull a few quotes from it to put in the post. Should be a good one.
In the meantime, I had thought about posting this anyways. In all the ruckus I seemed to have stirred up the last few days of what not to do/say for an infertile, I got to thinking. It seems kind of rude to put all that "Don't do this" and "Don't say that" out there, without offering anything positive in its place. Especially since the whole point was about being a good friend. Rather than say it myself, let me just point you over to Tertia's blog. You all know her, right? I think most everyone in the world of IF blogs does. Check out her wonderful post How to Be Good Friends with an Infertile. Pretty much says it all.
In the meantime, I had thought about posting this anyways. In all the ruckus I seemed to have stirred up the last few days of what not to do/say for an infertile, I got to thinking. It seems kind of rude to put all that "Don't do this" and "Don't say that" out there, without offering anything positive in its place. Especially since the whole point was about being a good friend. Rather than say it myself, let me just point you over to Tertia's blog. You all know her, right? I think most everyone in the world of IF blogs does. Check out her wonderful post How to Be Good Friends with an Infertile. Pretty much says it all.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Video, part 2
After watching that video about infertility, you should check this one out. My Destiny. (also with a link at the blog bottom) Done by someone on FF. I found it a long time ago. Before I gave up charting and the boards.
Lots of babies and success stories. I know, I know... what infertile wants to be slapped with that?? But... each of these photos also lists the trials/struggles/fertility issues that were dealt with to bring each of those little miracles into existence. It makes me cry. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have that. It makes me wonder what the caption on mine will say once we reach the end of this journey. But, it also makes me smile and gives me hope and reminds me that it IS possible. And on this hellish, nightmare of a ride that is infertility, who couldn't use a little hope? Like I said with the previous video, high speed connection here, so watch at your own risk if on dial-up. And, again, it's worth it.
WELL: It seems the video link isn't working. I'm really not sure why. If I click on it as listed in my Favorites folder, it opens and runs no problem. But clicking from here brings up the error message. I've triple checked the link and in this post it is exactly as it is in my folder. Very bizarre. My apologies. I'll keep working on it. Until then, let's try this. Copy and paste the following into a new browser. Maybe that'll do it:
http://kincaid.aboutmybaby.com/amb_video/338/104/10/9145129Fertility_Friend_video.mov
Lots of babies and success stories. I know, I know... what infertile wants to be slapped with that?? But... each of these photos also lists the trials/struggles/fertility issues that were dealt with to bring each of those little miracles into existence. It makes me cry. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have that. It makes me wonder what the caption on mine will say once we reach the end of this journey. But, it also makes me smile and gives me hope and reminds me that it IS possible. And on this hellish, nightmare of a ride that is infertility, who couldn't use a little hope? Like I said with the previous video, high speed connection here, so watch at your own risk if on dial-up. And, again, it's worth it.
WELL: It seems the video link isn't working. I'm really not sure why. If I click on it as listed in my Favorites folder, it opens and runs no problem. But clicking from here brings up the error message. I've triple checked the link and in this post it is exactly as it is in my folder. Very bizarre. My apologies. I'll keep working on it. Until then, let's try this. Copy and paste the following into a new browser. Maybe that'll do it:
http://kincaid.aboutmybaby.com/amb_video/338/104/10/9145129Fertility_Friend_video.mov
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Housekeeping
First, I want to thank all of you for your many comments of support. It's nice to know you found that last post helpful... or at least, something you could relate to. That's kinda the point, isn't it? Not to mention, I had no idea so many of you were reading. 2 or 3 comments to a post seems to be pretty normal for me. That one just brought you all out of the woodwork! Please, keep coming out to play! I love reading what you all have to say. Even the anonymous post that had so many infertiles jumping to my defense. But, thanks to the If'ers for watching my back. ;-)
Now, let's clarify something. I blog for me. If others find my ramblings to be helpful or educational or reassuring that they aren't alone, then that is an added benefit. But, the first goal in my blogging is to get all of the crap out of my head so I can rest a little easier at night. I'm a writer. I have been for years. Especially when I'm facing hard times or upset. Writing is cathartic for me. When I'm feeling emotional or upset or something traumatic has happened, writing helps me get all of those feelings out. I can see right there in front of me what may not have been so clear swirling around in my head. And from there, I can begin to heal.
But, unlike the death of my best friend, or my grandpa, or even my miscarriage (times when I've been prone to excessive writing), infertility is different. In all of those other cases, the grief got better over time. Sure, it is still there from time to time. Certain days or songs or emotions can bring it back in an instant. But, infertility is like living in a constant state of grief. It doesn't get better with each passing day. Month after month, it gets worse. The despair and hopelessness and anger and frustration and all of those things one feels in a state of grief never go away. They multiply and deepen each time your period starts and another failed cycle comes to an end.
So blogging is a way for me to deal with all of that. I've always journaled. And find healing when I write. Blogging allows me to write and heal and has the added benefit of my journal talking back and offering support when I need it... thanks to your comments. But, be absolutely certain. This blog is about me and for me. Not you.
Be very clear that I will continue to write what I want and how I want. If you are upset by what I say, trust me... there is no offense intended. It is just what I'm feeling in that minute of that hour of that particular day. But do keep in mind... it is not about you. Absolutely feel free to comment and say whatever you want or feel. Even if it is not of the same opinion as myself. The world would be a rather boring place if we all shared the same opinion all the time. And I love hearing your thoughts and ideas and opinions. But, when you comment, at least be civil about things. No name calling. No finger pointing. Discuss the topic at hand. Not the people. Okay?
Finally, in my own defense, I never said people with babies don't have feelings. I know they do. Some of my best, most understanding friends are women with children.
So let's try this approach:
Imagine, for a minute, that you have been in the market for a new car. You know exactly what you want... make, model, color, accessories... the works. You're dying for the day when you can make that purchase and drive your brand new car home, park it in your garage, and call it your own. But getting that car doesn't come easy for you. Your dream car is out of reach. It will take months, if not years, for you to save up for it. You work extra hard for it. You talk to one banker after another after another, hoping one of them will have answers for you and be able to help you get that car sooner. But they don't. So you keep working and waiting and waiting.
I know you've been in the car market. We've talked about it before. And after months of you saving, one day I drive up. In the exact car you have been longing for. We start talking about it and I tell you I just walked in and purchased it yesterday... having seen it last week and I deciding I wanted it. It's a wonderful car. I love it. Wouldn't trade it for the world. I walked in, got the loan, and am now cruising around town in it. Sitting in it, talking to you about all this, while you're standing there on the street corner looking in the window.
Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't feel hurt or jealous that I had what you really wanted and had been working so hard to get????
Now, let's clarify something. I blog for me. If others find my ramblings to be helpful or educational or reassuring that they aren't alone, then that is an added benefit. But, the first goal in my blogging is to get all of the crap out of my head so I can rest a little easier at night. I'm a writer. I have been for years. Especially when I'm facing hard times or upset. Writing is cathartic for me. When I'm feeling emotional or upset or something traumatic has happened, writing helps me get all of those feelings out. I can see right there in front of me what may not have been so clear swirling around in my head. And from there, I can begin to heal.
But, unlike the death of my best friend, or my grandpa, or even my miscarriage (times when I've been prone to excessive writing), infertility is different. In all of those other cases, the grief got better over time. Sure, it is still there from time to time. Certain days or songs or emotions can bring it back in an instant. But, infertility is like living in a constant state of grief. It doesn't get better with each passing day. Month after month, it gets worse. The despair and hopelessness and anger and frustration and all of those things one feels in a state of grief never go away. They multiply and deepen each time your period starts and another failed cycle comes to an end.
So blogging is a way for me to deal with all of that. I've always journaled. And find healing when I write. Blogging allows me to write and heal and has the added benefit of my journal talking back and offering support when I need it... thanks to your comments. But, be absolutely certain. This blog is about me and for me. Not you.
Be very clear that I will continue to write what I want and how I want. If you are upset by what I say, trust me... there is no offense intended. It is just what I'm feeling in that minute of that hour of that particular day. But do keep in mind... it is not about you. Absolutely feel free to comment and say whatever you want or feel. Even if it is not of the same opinion as myself. The world would be a rather boring place if we all shared the same opinion all the time. And I love hearing your thoughts and ideas and opinions. But, when you comment, at least be civil about things. No name calling. No finger pointing. Discuss the topic at hand. Not the people. Okay?
Finally, in my own defense, I never said people with babies don't have feelings. I know they do. Some of my best, most understanding friends are women with children.
So let's try this approach:
Imagine, for a minute, that you have been in the market for a new car. You know exactly what you want... make, model, color, accessories... the works. You're dying for the day when you can make that purchase and drive your brand new car home, park it in your garage, and call it your own. But getting that car doesn't come easy for you. Your dream car is out of reach. It will take months, if not years, for you to save up for it. You work extra hard for it. You talk to one banker after another after another, hoping one of them will have answers for you and be able to help you get that car sooner. But they don't. So you keep working and waiting and waiting.
I know you've been in the car market. We've talked about it before. And after months of you saving, one day I drive up. In the exact car you have been longing for. We start talking about it and I tell you I just walked in and purchased it yesterday... having seen it last week and I deciding I wanted it. It's a wonderful car. I love it. Wouldn't trade it for the world. I walked in, got the loan, and am now cruising around town in it. Sitting in it, talking to you about all this, while you're standing there on the street corner looking in the window.
Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't feel hurt or jealous that I had what you really wanted and had been working so hard to get????
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
in-fûr tl
I absolutely don't mean to be bitchy here. But after so many, many times of telling someone about my fertility problems only to hear of their "stint" with infertility, I just can't take it anymore. Let's not call this bitching, but rather, educating.
What is it to be "infertile"?
From Merriam-Webster's Online:
Main Entry: in•fer•tile
Pronunciation: (')in-'f&r-t&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French, from Late Latin infertilis, from Latin in- + fertilis fertile
: not fertile or productive
- in·fer·til·i·ty /"in-(")f&r-'ti-l&-tE/ noun
From Dictionary.com:
in•fer•tile (in-fûr tl) adj.
1. Not fertile; unproductive or barren.
2. Biology.
a. Not capable of initiating, sustaining, or supporting reproduction. b. Not fertilized and hence incapable of growing and developing: infertile duck eggs. 3. Not capable of sustaining crops or vegetation: infertile land.
4. Unproductive or producing little: a path of research that proved infertile.
From MedicineNet.com:
Infertile = Not able to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception.
And from an article on WebMD.com:
If you've tried to become pregnant by having unprotected intercourse on a regular basis for one year without success, you're technically considered infertile (which is not at all the same thing as being sterile, a permanent condition). This occurs in 10-15 percent of couples, so you are certainly not alone.
For obvious reasons, I think the medical definitions carry the most weight here. So let's be clear. If you didn't conceive on your first or second try, you are not infertile. If you didn't even conceive on your third or fourth or fifth try, you are not infertile. Impatient, maybe, but not infertile. If you are sitting at home, holding your baby who was conceived with no medical intervention and in less than a year's time, you are not infertile. And you have never, therefore, dealt with infertility. Do yourself and any infertile woman you should know or meet a favor, and please then, do not reference your "brief" period of infertility. You'll only upset her and embarass yourself. Those few months of trying may have seemed like an eternity for you to wait for that second pink line, but it is vastly different from dealing with actual infertility.
There is nothing "brief" about infertility. Waiting a year's time before you even meet the technical definition has nothing brief about it. Crossing that one-year mark and being slapped with the label, makes you realize how incredibly long the journey of infertility is. And after one year, it's just getting started. My journey is nearing the end of its second year. Not a brief time. Though, I suppose, you could say it is relative. My two years may seem brief to the woman who is in her seventh year of infertility. But it is infertility. And while infertility may be a lot of things, brief isn't one of them.
What is it to be "infertile"?
From Merriam-Webster's Online:
Main Entry: in•fer•tile
Pronunciation: (')in-'f&r-t&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French, from Late Latin infertilis, from Latin in- + fertilis fertile
: not fertile or productive
- in·fer·til·i·ty /"in-(")f&r-'ti-l&-tE/ noun
From Dictionary.com:
in•fer•tile (in-fûr tl) adj.
1. Not fertile; unproductive or barren.
2. Biology.
4. Unproductive or producing little: a path of research that proved infertile.
From MedicineNet.com:
Infertile = Not able to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception.
And from an article on WebMD.com:
If you've tried to become pregnant by having unprotected intercourse on a regular basis for one year without success, you're technically considered infertile (which is not at all the same thing as being sterile, a permanent condition). This occurs in 10-15 percent of couples, so you are certainly not alone.
For obvious reasons, I think the medical definitions carry the most weight here. So let's be clear. If you didn't conceive on your first or second try, you are not infertile. If you didn't even conceive on your third or fourth or fifth try, you are not infertile. Impatient, maybe, but not infertile. If you are sitting at home, holding your baby who was conceived with no medical intervention and in less than a year's time, you are not infertile. And you have never, therefore, dealt with infertility. Do yourself and any infertile woman you should know or meet a favor, and please then, do not reference your "brief" period of infertility. You'll only upset her and embarass yourself. Those few months of trying may have seemed like an eternity for you to wait for that second pink line, but it is vastly different from dealing with actual infertility.
There is nothing "brief" about infertility. Waiting a year's time before you even meet the technical definition has nothing brief about it. Crossing that one-year mark and being slapped with the label, makes you realize how incredibly long the journey of infertility is. And after one year, it's just getting started. My journey is nearing the end of its second year. Not a brief time. Though, I suppose, you could say it is relative. My two years may seem brief to the woman who is in her seventh year of infertility. But it is infertility. And while infertility may be a lot of things, brief isn't one of them.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Video, part 1
Have you seen this video? Empty Arms. There's actually a link to it way down at the bottom of my blog. But honestly, who looks at those things and really links to other stuff... except more blogs? :) It is most definitely worth a view by any infertile.
I've shown it to a few people even, when I want them to understand what it is we're going through, and it seems they need agood slap in the head gentle nudge to help them "get it". This provides the slap nudge in a much gentler fashion. I have a high speed connection, so not sure what it'll be like on dial-up... so run at your own risk (aka-- time frame!). But do give it a look. Infertile and fertile alike.
I've shown it to a few people even, when I want them to understand what it is we're going through, and it seems they need a
My Blog in 100 words or Less
I saw this on Prop's blog yesterday. Loved it the minute I read it and wanted to create my own, but time wouldn't allow for it then. This morning, it seems Ladybug has followed suit. I have time today, since I took the day off work. So here is my word cloud:
Am I the only one who edited theirs? I felt I had to take personal names out and there were quite a few. And a few words from my story that didn't make the list so I put them in. Tell me... is yours exactly as it was generated, or edited?
Sunday, February 05, 2006
A Good Laugh
The hubby and I were doing some cleaning yesterday. We got a couple of new tables for in our bedroom, and finally decided to put them together and organize everything. One of the tables replaced one of the nightstands. (We now have a matching set!) This meant cleaning out the drawer in the old nightstand. You know the drawer.... it housed various... ummm... "toys"... and lube, books, magazines... those sorts of things. Hubby cleaned it out and discovered a very expired box of condoms, which he tossed in the trash.
The new table does not have a drawer as the old one did. Luckily, we found a nice wicker basket, just the right size to sit on the bottom shelf of the table and have it's inner contents hidden from view by the table top. So, after tossing the old condoms, hubby put the non-expired coupons in the basket with the other stuff. I actually started laughing. Honestly, I think we've proven we don't really need the birth control since we don't seem to be able to conceive very easily.
And then I laughed even harder. I was on the pill for 10 years. Stopped taking it about 8 years ago and swore I would never go back to it because I really hated the way it messed with my hormones and such. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is a funny reason when in the last year I've been on estradiol, provera, progesterone suppositories, clomid, and novarel (trigger). Didn't want to mess with my hormones? Thought the pill was bad? HEHEHEHE. I'm still laughing at that one.
The new table does not have a drawer as the old one did. Luckily, we found a nice wicker basket, just the right size to sit on the bottom shelf of the table and have it's inner contents hidden from view by the table top. So, after tossing the old condoms, hubby put the non-expired coupons in the basket with the other stuff. I actually started laughing. Honestly, I think we've proven we don't really need the birth control since we don't seem to be able to conceive very easily.
And then I laughed even harder. I was on the pill for 10 years. Stopped taking it about 8 years ago and swore I would never go back to it because I really hated the way it messed with my hormones and such. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is a funny reason when in the last year I've been on estradiol, provera, progesterone suppositories, clomid, and novarel (trigger). Didn't want to mess with my hormones? Thought the pill was bad? HEHEHEHE. I'm still laughing at that one.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Seasons Change
For years I have been posting on the Babycenter bulletin boards. In particular, the "Trying After a Loss" board. More specifically, the TFBOJ group and then also the June 04 Angels group. I love the ladies I've "met" there. They saw me through some incredibly hard times. So many, many days I couldn't wait to get home and check-in with the groups to see what was going on. Always supportive, I knew I could go there for the pick-me-up I needed... whenever I needed. It's not like that anymore.
When the groups were first starting out, we'd have 50 or 60 posts a day. Now, it's good if there are that many in a month. And really, for one simple reason. They've all got kids now and are busy with their families and don't have time to post. Really. In my original (TFBOJ) group, I am the only one still waiting for their baby. Some have had 2 already. And others are pg with their 3rd. In my June group, there are just a couple of us still trying. Many have already had their babes. And several are currently pg. But, then there's little ol' infertile me.
In all of this, I find myself checking the boards less and less often. Not that I don't care about what happens with all of these wonderful women. But because it is SO. DAMN. HARD. I just don't see the point in subjecting myself to stories of ultrasounds and heartbeats and morning sickness and births and breastfeeding and dirty diapers. It's not worth it. And on the occassion I do write a post, the support just isn't the same. A comment or two or three back. Keep your head up. We love you. And then it's back to the regular conversation.
And I understand that. It is where they are in their lives now. I'm not. And I desperately want to be. So, it's easier if I just stay away.
I guess I've been moving to this point for a while. I blog more and more often and post less and less. A few of them have said they read my blog and keep track of me here. It's easier for me that way. A couple even post comments on occassion... which is nice to see some support still coming. But I just can't do the boards. UGH.
What's the old saying? "Some people come into our lives for a season..." I suppose I'm nearing the end of my "season" with the board groups. Clearly, I am not in the same places they are now. I'd like to think a few of them will post to me over here, instead. But no matter. There are new friends to be made. I no longer fit with the "trying" group, since most have gotten there, but thanks to the blogworld, I've discovered support in the "infertiles" group (Prop, Ladybug, Ornery and others). I still think it totally sucks to be in that group, but it is nice that it is out there. Ours is definitely not the "cool group" everyone wants to be a part of. But, as seasons change and people change, I'm glad to have found a group I belong in and to have the support of so many wonderful people.
When the groups were first starting out, we'd have 50 or 60 posts a day. Now, it's good if there are that many in a month. And really, for one simple reason. They've all got kids now and are busy with their families and don't have time to post. Really. In my original (TFBOJ) group, I am the only one still waiting for their baby. Some have had 2 already. And others are pg with their 3rd. In my June group, there are just a couple of us still trying. Many have already had their babes. And several are currently pg. But, then there's little ol' infertile me.
In all of this, I find myself checking the boards less and less often. Not that I don't care about what happens with all of these wonderful women. But because it is SO. DAMN. HARD. I just don't see the point in subjecting myself to stories of ultrasounds and heartbeats and morning sickness and births and breastfeeding and dirty diapers. It's not worth it. And on the occassion I do write a post, the support just isn't the same. A comment or two or three back. Keep your head up. We love you. And then it's back to the regular conversation.
And I understand that. It is where they are in their lives now. I'm not. And I desperately want to be. So, it's easier if I just stay away.
I guess I've been moving to this point for a while. I blog more and more often and post less and less. A few of them have said they read my blog and keep track of me here. It's easier for me that way. A couple even post comments on occassion... which is nice to see some support still coming. But I just can't do the boards. UGH.
What's the old saying? "Some people come into our lives for a season..." I suppose I'm nearing the end of my "season" with the board groups. Clearly, I am not in the same places they are now. I'd like to think a few of them will post to me over here, instead. But no matter. There are new friends to be made. I no longer fit with the "trying" group, since most have gotten there, but thanks to the blogworld, I've discovered support in the "infertiles" group (Prop, Ladybug, Ornery and others). I still think it totally sucks to be in that group, but it is nice that it is out there. Ours is definitely not the "cool group" everyone wants to be a part of. But, as seasons change and people change, I'm glad to have found a group I belong in and to have the support of so many wonderful people.
The Purple Cow
Remember Pepper's purple cow? After two weeks of on and off play, this is what it now looks like:
Yes, he has been split in two. Only one foot and part of one hand have any stuffing left in them. We have to put it up at night or she brings it to us at 2AM wanting to play... or tries to de-stuff him on the bed where we're trying to sleep. I really wasn't kidding when I said she's rough on her toys.
Yes, he has been split in two. Only one foot and part of one hand have any stuffing left in them. We have to put it up at night or she brings it to us at 2AM wanting to play... or tries to de-stuff him on the bed where we're trying to sleep. I really wasn't kidding when I said she's rough on her toys.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
New Look
It seems purple isn't the most popular of colors in the blogworld. Blogger has no purple templates. And anyone who knows me, knows purple is my favorite color. Ever. My wedding dress even had lots (the entire train and more) of purple in it. (see pic to left) It has pretty much been my favorite color since I learned my colors way-back-when at the age of 2 or so.
My grandmother loves to remind people that when I was little, if you asked my favorite color, I would say "Purple." If you then asked why I liked purple, I would answer "Because Donny likes it." Yes. As in, Donny Osmond. I was 3! Give me a break. (Though, the whole Donny and purple thing would be where our betta fish got his name. He is a lovely purplish-blue color, after all.)
So, it became a mission to find a way to make my blog purple. After lots of searching, I finally found a purple template I could live with. There aren't very many out there. Maybe... someday... I'll take the time to learn how to do my own. It really shouldn't be too hard, since I have done some website design before. But, this will work for now. Do tell me how you like it...
My grandmother loves to remind people that when I was little, if you asked my favorite color, I would say "Purple." If you then asked why I liked purple, I would answer "Because Donny likes it." Yes. As in, Donny Osmond. I was 3! Give me a break. (Though, the whole Donny and purple thing would be where our betta fish got his name. He is a lovely purplish-blue color, after all.)
So, it became a mission to find a way to make my blog purple. After lots of searching, I finally found a purple template I could live with. There aren't very many out there. Maybe... someday... I'll take the time to learn how to do my own. It really shouldn't be too hard, since I have done some website design before. But, this will work for now. Do tell me how you like it...
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